The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
*steps up to marriage altar, turns to partner*
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 26, 2016
"Just wanna make sure, is this a date?"
Q: "Any political contributions to report?"
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) April 25, 2016
A: "I paid for six months of Tidal and then paid a second time to buy Lemonade from iTunes."
i think my last words are definitely going to be "lemme pee first"
— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) April 29, 2016
I am a dangerous woman. Mainly because I'm clumsy and might spill or drop something on you or hurt your feelings with something I blurt out.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) April 26, 2016
My personality just doesn't align with having a six-pack.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) April 26, 2016
Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) April 25, 2016
It would be lovely if my voicemail could just say "I'm sorry, I have a strange social phobia around voicemails & am unlikely to hear this."
— wikipedia brown ☔️ (@eveewing) April 29, 2016
hold up they don't love you like i love food
— Ziwe (@Ziweeee) April 26, 2016
There’s no one whose approval I seek more than my dentist.
— Elise Foley (@elisefoley) April 29, 2016
Used my #womancard at the ATM today. Tried to withdrawal $100, but the machine gave me $79.
— brandi mathis (@brandimathis) April 27, 2016
Things men tell women:
— rats in paradise (@NicCageMatch) April 22, 2016
1. "Smile!"
2. "Awww, don't cut your hair."
3. "I can't find it."
your early 20s vs your late 20s pic.twitter.com/VDnRpWyeVT
— Keely Flaherty (@flahertykeely) April 26, 2016
If I suddenly died in a Nordstrom Rack, all the other women would stand on top of me and keep flipping through the long-sleeved blouses.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 28, 2016
Me vs. Mice: An East Village Love Story
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) April 28, 2016
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
— Manda LikeCatsOK? (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
Went for a jog & my son asked what we used to do before iPods... did someone have to follow us & sing? I told him he was adopted.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) April 23, 2016
I tried to make my mantra "Do no harm but take no shit" but it ended up being a shrug followed by a seven minute sigh.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 24, 2016
I hope to cheat on drake one day so he can make his 'lemonade'
— #BrittanySpanos (@ohheybrittany) April 29, 2016
Do you think that Harry Potter wore Nikes or Adidas?
— Paulina Pinsky (@mizpiggy111) April 29, 2016
[text]
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) April 27, 2016
"Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!"
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
"Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"
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