Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My morning just doesn't feel complete until I have reheated my coffee 821 times.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 28, 2016
Parenting: When you get to wake up everyday thinking, "maybe today will be the day I die of exhaustion."
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 29, 2016
When you hear your kids fighting over the last Pop-Tart, that's when you know parenthood is everything you thought it'd be.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 25, 2016
On Fridays I'm reminded that as my kids grow, I trust them more & more. I just don't "carry the wine bottles to the car for me" trust them.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) April 29, 2016
"Sweet dreams! The night is dark and full of terrors"
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 25, 2016
-me, tucking my kids into bed when I've been watching the Game of Thrones
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
— Manda LikeCatsOK? (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
Best part about taking my kids out to dinner is paying for food to be delivered to the table and thrown away 35 torturous minutes later.
— Court (@Discourt) April 26, 2016
If you Google "delusional optimism" you'll see a picture of a mom standing in a newly organized playroom.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 26, 2016
50% of parenting is looking for things with your kids that you've already thrown away.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 25, 2016
My kids are such team players. I went to bed early last night but they worked together to make sure I'd wake up just as exhausted as always.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) April 28, 2016
Exciting Groupon offers...
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 25, 2016
Before Kids:
•Wine tastings
•Pub tours
•Bed & breakfasts
After Kids:
•Carpet cleaning
•Bounce houses
•Bulk wine
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) April 27, 2016
"I want a snack." - my kids, while they're eating
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) April 25, 2016
[bed time]
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016
Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet
Me: Scarier than Mom?
3: *goes to bed*
Are you literally wearing that shirt today?!
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) April 26, 2016
--my 6yo simultaneously insulting the Mother & English teacher in me
Funny how our kids can be so different in a million tiny, precious ways, yet are all exactly the same in a hundred huge, maddening ones.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 28, 2016
70% of parenting is convincing yourself the puddle you just stepped in was water.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) April 27, 2016
Establish dominance at your child's play date by maintaining eye contact while pouring your coffee into the nearest houseplant.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 29, 2016