The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Never felt closer to my 5 year old as I did tonight, when she walked into a restaurant bathroom and deemed it "fancy enough" to poop in.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 13, 2016
Pokemon Go answers the questions: what if we let them go outside? Will they still be addicted to video games?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 12, 2016
(at auto repair shop)
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 14, 2016
“Yes, I understand the repair you’ve recommended. No need to be patronizing.”
*texts “Honey, what's an ‘engine’?”
me: "I can't order lunch today I'm too broke"
— farwz (@farwzaz) July 13, 2016
also me: *spends $70 at sephora*
Donald Trump deserves as much attention for his opinion on Ruth Bader Ginsberg as does a drunk girl at karaoke dissing Beyoncé.
— Jessica Wakeman (@JessicaWakeman) July 13, 2016
We've had Netflix for years and this is still my mom when she remembers there're no commercials pic.twitter.com/7tf9EPF7jh
— Shakira (@shakiraaevans) July 12, 2016
Just opened Instagram and instantly shut it -- everyone is so happy there, enjoying life. Twitter is a better place for misanthropes.
— Emily Peck (@EmilyRPeck) July 13, 2016
I like to rate my anxiety on a scale of Jack Johnson to Skrillex
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 11, 2016
bernie endorsing hillary is like when you're in a fight w/ your sibling as a kid and your mom forces you to say sorry and ur just like FINE
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) July 13, 2016
random woman: [compliments me]
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) July 15, 2016
me: omg!!!! thank you so much!!!!!! ☺️😍😍😍😘 <3 <3 <3
random man: [compliments me]
me: .....................
Honestly I'd be married by now but I'm not willing to abandon the butterflies I feel not knowing if my random date will have morals or teeth
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) July 14, 2016
SEXT: Do you wanna ruin my life
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 10, 2016
If i am stuck in parking spot that is kind of hard to get out of I think "I can probably live the rest of my life here" & fully plan it out
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 15, 2016
Boiled vs. baked: pic.twitter.com/aRhO13gXZp
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) July 13, 2016
Just when you think the world’s gone crazy you find out Mick Jagger knocked up his 29-year-old girlfriend and everything makes sense again.
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) July 15, 2016
for someone who talks about misogyny a lot i sure can't spell misogyny (it took me 4 tries to get this tweet right)
— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) July 14, 2016
Me: "I have an important meeting today."
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 11, 2016
chin zit: "I'm coming with you."
Me: "I'm really upset."
— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) July 11, 2016
Customer Service: "Okay...What can we do?"
Me: "I just want to be heard."
Thank you for my nomination for Best Actress In A Hotel Room Pretending To Be On The Phone So The Room Service Person Won't Know I'm Drunk.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 14, 2016
I can't be bothered to put the thingy over the 'e' in Pokemon but you bet your ass I'll always remember to put it on Beyoncé.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 15, 2016
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