What We Wish Speedo Had Said In Their Statement About Ryan Lochte

Speedo released an official statement on Monday saying that they would no longer be sponsoring olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. It was what you’d expect from a smart, responsible business.

In other words, it was boring as hell. So here’s what they could have done with that statement.

Ugh, so much possibility ... squandered.

Hi, we’re Speedo.

As you know, we’ve ended our business relationship with Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte after his claims of being robbed at gunpoint were proven false.

We understand he may have been trying to cover his own ass, but that’s simply not the Speedo way.

Rather than being honest from the beginning, a cocky Ryan fabricated a story and left himself dangling out there for all to see. New bits to the story popped out every day. And something didn’t smell right. When the cold, hard truth became too much, Ryan shrunk back into seclusion.

And with the video evidence released shortly thereafter, little was left to the imagination.

Now, both the U.S. and Brazil’s opinion of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, whom we once saw as the total package, has been forever tainted. And being wedged between these two giants, falling further and further into this chasm of a lie you’ve created ― that’s no day at the beach.

We’ve been put in a tight, uncomfortable spot, and in these types of situations, that leaves little room for growth. We hold our athletes to a strict criteria, which is as clearly outlined to them as a tightly packed penis in very tiny swim trunks.

We wish Ryan well.

-Speedo