The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
If you ever have to pay full price at Bed Bath and Beyond it's because your mail carrier hates you.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 22, 2016
I think if my life ever flashed before my eyes, I'd be horrified of all those times I got bangs.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 19, 2016
My entire sex ed curriculum:
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 22, 2016
Abstinence doesn't work cuz everyone is horny & if you have a baby you can't just go to sleep whenever you want
Nothing says "I'm lying with every fiber of my being" like a text message loaded with exclamation points.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) September 19, 2016
BREAKDOWN OF ME DOING A THING:
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 22, 2016
1% = doing the thing
75% = thinking about doing the thing
24% = huh, didn't realize my second toe bends funny
I love that my cat has the faith in the world to truly believe he's being fed again when I get up to pee 5 mins after feeding him.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) September 20, 2016
It's called "getting off" from work because it feels like an orgasm.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 22, 2016
Heard someone with the same ringtone as my alarm clock and now I have to find somewhere to hide the body :(
— Arielle (@jewfacekilla) September 21, 2016
Candy shop cashier: Would you like a twist tie to close the bag?
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) September 21, 2016
Me: [pretends to seriously consider it, like really good acting] No thanks
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
— denise (@Stellacopter) September 19, 2016
mom: your social media is v low
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) September 23, 2016
me: no it's not
mom: yes. you don't tweet or instagram as much. your snaps are few and far between
walking around with adele tickets in my purse paranoid like i'm holding the hope diamond pic.twitter.com/BJcWTU8lTK
— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) September 20, 2016
Be the kind of person your dog believes you are
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 20, 2016
The air smells like promise and everything good!
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) September 16, 2016
*realizes I'm standing next to a belgian waffle truck and that's all*
Avocado: not ripe
— Elspeth (@elspetheastman) September 18, 2016
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*slowly removes headphones to check if anyone can hear me listening to Enrique Iglesias's 1999 classic, 'Rhythm Divine'*
— Lauren Zupkus (@laurenzup) September 23, 2016
I feel like "Autumn" is just Fall's stripper stage name
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) September 23, 2016
If you offer my child a free balloon be prepared to adopt my child until the balloon dies.
— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) September 22, 2016
Suggested For You:
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 22, 2016
Critically Acclaimed Dramas
Quirky Comedies
Inoffensive Familiar Shows To Provide Background Noise During Panic Attacks
THEM: You can't go wrong with this recipe.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 22, 2016
ME: Watch me.
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