Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Motherhood is counting jam as a fruit serving.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 6, 2017
I tell people I'm a SAHM, but really I'm more like a wild animal trainer.
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) February 6, 2017
*Jessie's Girl plays on the car radio
— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) February 9, 2017
12yo: Dad this song sucks.
*Brakes screech,car skids to a halt, I kick open the car door. "Get out!"
My husband got up with the kids this morning and I slept in until 9:30. This is why people have vow renewals isn't it?
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) February 5, 2017
Did you ever think you'd be happy because you're only running 15 minutes late?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 9, 2017
Have kids.
75% of parenting is getting used to saying the words pee pee, potty and poopy. And 25% is getting used to never doing those things alone.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 10, 2017
My 7yo said "Yay!!" when I gave him dinner tonight, so yes, the apocalypse is nigh.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 9, 2017
Kids: "Yay!! Another snow day tomorrow! School's cancelled!"
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 9, 2017
Me: pic.twitter.com/iXNN7QU5cS
Ways to deal with kids fighting in your car:
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 6, 2017
A. Ask them to stop
B. Yell
C. Turn up the music really loud
D. Jump out of your moving vehicle
The longer you're a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they're pregnant.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 6, 2017
4-year-old: I don't have anything to wear.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2017
Me: You have an entire closet full of clothes.
4: I don't have any capes.
Prek kid 1: I used to be a baby!
— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) February 8, 2017
Me: Oh yeah? So did I!
Prek kid 2: Not me!
Me: Well what did you start out as?
Prek kid 2: THUNDER!
KIDDO: I love this burger, especially since I helped you make it. It's special.
— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) February 5, 2017
ME: [tears] Flattery will get you everywhere my child.
My 5yo is excited about learning her ABCs & asked me to tell her some letters to write. Apparently I’m not as mature as I thought I was. pic.twitter.com/ALiGg5OCE2
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) February 7, 2017
Toddlers love surprise birthday parties. My toddler surprises me with the news it's his birthday several times a week.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 8, 2017
Before becoming a parent, I never realized I could ruin someone's day by doing a piss-poor firetruck impersonation.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) February 8, 2017
Valentine's Day stokes the fire of passion.
— MakeAmericaMEHAgain (@TheAlexNevil) February 9, 2017
Seeing your kid bouncing off the walls from candy hearts pours ice water on it.
The difference between trash and kid's crafts are that crafts have glitter and need to be hoarded for a month before you can throw them away
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 8, 2017
[Pulls into school pickup 30 minutes early]
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 8, 2017
HAHA Look at these two losers already in line.
My youngest kid is 13.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) February 8, 2017
I'm hoping to lose my baby weight pretty soon.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.