Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
You know you're a parent when you can recite the exact day, month & year you last got a good night's sleep.
— Cupcakes & Wine (@cupcakes_wine) March 19, 2017
Bean: Mom! I'm using the BATHROOM! Can I have some privacy?!
— dara tafakari (@TrulyTafakari) March 23, 2017
Also Bean (flings opens bathroom door): Hey Mom, are you using the bathroom? 😑
My 7yo told me she was going to run away from home like it was a threat.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 23, 2017
My mama said there'd be days like this, but she neglected to mention there'd be days like weeks.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) March 21, 2017
The first time I found something my kid would eat, he finished my dessert, so he can go ahead and stay picky.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) March 22, 2017
If you've never said, "What's the magic word?" through gritted teeth while screaming on the inside, you must not be a parent.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 21, 2017
I'd love to have a conversation with my husband but babysitters are so expensive these days.
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) March 22, 2017
My 5yo insisted that he would tie his own shoes to go to school today so I called the school and told them we should be there by June.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 20, 2017
Parents are equal parts "My kids give me life" and "I just need everyone to leave me the hell alone."
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 21, 2017
I need my kids to understand that the answer to "Daddy, wanna smell my finger?" will always be a solid no.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 24, 2017
Of all the lies I tell my kids, "I can see it from here" is my favorite.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) March 21, 2017
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2017
Oh good, my kids found another 30-second clip on YouTube to obsess over.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 23, 2017
60% of parenting after dinner is your kids using you as a chair
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 24, 2017
I've never vacationed alone but I did get to go to the grocery store without my kids one time.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 21, 2017
I spy with my little eye... someone who can't take a hint that I don't want to play this game anymore.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 23, 2017
The toddler is wearing big-boy underwear to school today, which makes his impending accident… not my problem.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) March 24, 2017
Shopping for a new kitchen table like...this is nice but will it hold all the laundry I don't plan on folding?
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 21, 2017
Report: 5yo just called to tell me his fart sounded like a "wet firecracker." Then yelled to Dad, "See, you were wrong, she IS impressed."
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) March 20, 2017
If I start talking in a cheerful sing-song voice you'd better run, because I am THIS CLOSE to losing it. That's what parenthood does to you.
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) March 21, 2017
4-year-old: The cookies look cold. I should warm them up.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2017
Me: You can't use the microwave.
4: I can use my belly.
The invention of hide-and-seek becomes crystal clear after spending several days inside with your kids.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 22, 2017
There's a 70% chance I'm wearing the exact same outfit I wore on Tuesday. My coworkers are keeping quiet; they know I have a 6yo & a baby.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 23, 2017
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.