"We are today before a strategic, historic victory, without exaggeration" -- Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah
All Arab leaders declare "victory" - regardless of the outcome of the
war - so it's no surprise that Hezbollah's leader Nasrallah spent the
entire 33 days of the war hiding in the basement of the Iranian
Embassy in Beirut polishing his victory speech.
But what if Nasrallah had written victory speeches for other famous
historical or fictional people?
The Captain of the Titanic:
"I say without exaggeration that our rearranging of deck-chairs is
without precedent. We have surprised the greatest power in the
region with our unexpected conversion into a submarine. A major blow
has been struck against the Zionist Iceberg!"
Gamal Abdel Nasser, President of Egypt during the Yom Kippur war:
"I say without exaggeration that never before has the zionist enemy
been forced to fight without noshing. Furthermore, by delaying the
traditional Break-Fast by many hours, our brave forces have
transformed thousands of gallons of chicken soup and countless
briskets into leftovers. By crushing our armies, Israel has suffered
a major defeat - although I do not understand the request from the
Jewish Nation to begin another war, same time next year, although
this time before the repetition of the amidah*."
*endlessly long standing prayer that most Jews would prefer to avoid.
Michael Brown of FEMA:
"The zionist hurricane, Katrina, has been dealt a devastating blow by
the city of New Orleans. I say without exaggeration that the Gulf
Coast has become the graveyard of the Israeli class five storm
system. In the past, zionist hurricanes penetrated hundreds of
miles inland, while due to my mastery of the situation, Katrina was
not able to advance more than 50 miles! I promise you all, my
brothers, that my organization will immediately rebuild every home
that the Amnerican-backed storm surge has destroyed."
Wile E. Coyote:
"I say, without exaggeration, that the zionist Roadrunner will soon
suffer a historical defeat. My Iranian Rocket-Booster Skis will
momentarily enable me to destroy the Jewish bird who has been lured
to its graveyard by a pile of strategically placed birdseed. I swear
that my plan to destroy the zionist Roadrunner is absolutely
guaranteed to succeed!"