These past few days the internet has been abuzz with the news that "19 Kids and Counting" star Josh Duggar was included among the 32 million individuals who were exposed in the now infamous Ashley Madison hack and data dump. The general consensus seems to be that Josh Duggar (and maybe his family?) has finally had karma catch up to him and that it is actually a "good" thing that this happened so that the Duggar family can be exposed. While I will admit to understanding the irony of someone who espouses the importance of "family values" so boisterously being caught in a scandal such as this, I cannot bring myself to express any sort of glee over this news. This past week, 32 million families have been forced to deal with the painful consequences of infidelity. There are a lot of broken hearts this week. My heart breaks with them.
But the story is the Duggars, and boy, has Josh Duggar had a rough few months. To say that Josh Duggar has had a bad year is perhaps an understated assessment, but to talk solely about Josh is to undermine and trivialize the real victims of Mr. Duggar's choices. You know who has had it worse than Josh? His wife, Anna.
Let's put ourselves in her position for just a moment. Not four full months after her husband admitted to molesting underage girls (including his own sisters) it has now come to pass that Josh paid almost $1,000 to Ashley Madison so that he could cheat on the woman that for some reason has stuck with him through all of this.
I cannot even imagine the thoughts, emotions, and questions that have been swirling through Anna Duggar's heart over what has to have been the most gut wrenching and soul crushing time of her life. Well, actually that's not completely true. Today, the New York Daily News published an article with the headline, "Anna Duggar will 'absorb blame' for cheating hubby: report" In the article, Mrs. Duggar is reportedly sensing that, "there will be some suggestion of whether or not she should have been more aware of the pressures Josh was under, of the issues he was facing, and how she could have better counseled him or helped him..." Of course, it is not completely clear if Anna is speaking these words for herself or if they are being spoken on her behalf by her family. However, one thing is abundantly clear: Anna Duggar is going to take the blame for her cheating, child-molesting husband. It is for this reason that my soul completely breaks for Anna Duggar.
But it's not just Anna Duggar, is it? This is not just an isolated incident, is it? And this is where this story moves out of the tabloids and into schools, businesses, churches, and homes across the country. How many women, for one reason or another, privately or publicly assume some sense of guilt and blame for their significant other's transgressions? How many women, when confronted with the news that their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse has intentionally been unfaithful will think to themselves about the "pressures" that they have been under or that she could have "counseled" or "supported" them better? How many women have been taught to believe that it is their fault that this betrayal has occurred?
Happens all the time, doesn't it? This is Rape Culture personified. Women are made to feel inferior and that it is their job to keep their spouse happy so that they do not stray into "inevitable" temptation. This is a message that we are still conveying to women and girls on a daily basis. This is what they learn when they are told to cover up their collarbone or they sweep under the rug the vindictiveness they receive when they turn down a man's sexual advances. This is real, and it's happening every single day. And it HAS. TO. STOP. If this sort of victim blaming and continued male domination is going to stop there are two things that must be understood:
Girls, It is not your fault if your significant other chooses to be an Ass-Hat.
Please, please, please hear this, understand this, internalize this, and know this. It is not your fault. It is not your fault that they couldn't be honest with you and faithful to you. If he cheats, that means he did it, not you. You did not drive him to Ashley Madison, the strip club, the corner bar, or back to an ex-girlfriend. He did those things, not you. If you ever (God-forbid) find yourself in a position where you are being blamed for such things, you need to own who and what you are, muster up (even in the midst of pain and heart-break) every ounce of dignity and self-worth you can manage and tell him to get the #*$(% out. Don't you even think about rationalizing the behavior or compromising who you are. You deserve better and anyone who will not give you their very best is not worth your time, energy, or life.
Guys, you don't ever (EVER) allow someone who loves you to take the blame for your selfishness.
If we can't focus at school because a woman's collarbone is showing, that is not her fault, it is ours. If we get turned down for a date (or whatever) it is not a license to victimize the woman who just rejected us. If we are so insecure by the women in our workplaces that we have to demand that they behave (or dress) in a certain manner then that is our shortcoming and not one that they should have to adhere to. If we, for whatever reason, choose to stray away from the one who has chosen to love us, then THIS IS OUR FAULT and NOT HERS.
And guys, here's the deal. It is our responsibility and burden to end Rape Culture and the practice of blaming the victim. This is something that we need to hear, understand, internalize, and know.
The story of Josh Duggar and Ashley Madison will soon fade into the noisy background that is the internet and the 24-hour news cycle, but for women (and men) across the country, this struggle will still remain very real. And that is why this story matters.