THE BLOG

Withdraw Symptoms

05/21/2013 03:43 pm ET | Updated Jul 21, 2013
  • Abby Heugel Award-winning humor writer, blogger and viral content creator
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I'm pretty sure the Pope and his posse could pull up behind me in the Popemobile at the ATM and I would still think they were plotting to mug me or judge me for taking too long to complete my transaction.

In my defense, I had never even used an ATM before last year. I have no idea why that is, but I have since remedied the situation and can say I've probably used one in an excess of two dozens times since that first jaunt. However, like most mundane activities, I can find something to complicate the situation.

A normal person would simply drive up to the machine, insert their card, enter in their PIN, complete their transaction, grab a receipt and move on with their life. In case you are new here, I'm not entirely normal.

While there are moments of ATM glory, there are also moments of shame and most of those moments look something like this:

  • Drive up to cash machine
  • Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
  • Set parking brake, put the window down, glance around to make sure no one is lurking nearby
  • Grab purse and try to pry the debit card out of my wallet
  • Find mint and get distracted by my good fortune
  • Focus on card and then swear as it refuses to budge out of my wallet
  • Turn the radio down -- too distracting
  • Precariously hang out of the window to insert card
  • Attempt to insert card into machine
  • Re-insert card the right way up
  • Glance around again for would-be muggers
  • Enter PIN
  • Enter amount of cash required
  • Press cancel and re-enter correct amount of cash required
  • Back up the car again to retrieve an envelope for soon-to-be-delivered cash
  • Retrieve cash and receipt
  • Glance around again for would-be muggers
  • Grab purse and place cash and receipt inside
  • Look for another mint but find only disappointment
  • Drive forward two feet
  • Reverse back to cash machine
  • Precariously hang out of the window to retrieve card
  • Grab wallet again and shove card into the slot provided
  • Silently memorize the facial features of the irate male driver/would-be mugger in line behind me
  • Drive forward two feet
  • Bathe my hands in sanitizer
  • Move on with my life

You see how exhausting this is?

No wonder I held off so long.