As a divorce mediator and lawyer, sometimes I feel like I've heard it all. I am terribly hard to shock. And yet, yesterday something shocked me: a divorce announcement via email. What's more, it was both thoughtful and tasteful.
The thrust of the email: We have been married a long time, we will always be friends and parent peacefully together. Please let me know if you notice anything when your child is with mine about which I should be concerned
I suppose in retrospect, the initial shock wasn't warranted. After all, if social media has been a contributing component of so many enormous world shifts (see Arab Spring), then why not as a means of announcing the most intimate of life changes? Among the tech-savvy youth, Facebook provides a community of sorts, interfacing with their social lives, monitoring their genuine and not-so-genuine friendships with moment-to-moment tracking of every social adjustment. For divorcing adults on Facebook, one need only change one's status from "married" to "single" or "in a relationship" in order to notify Facebook "friends" of the divorce.
But what does an e-nnouncement provide to a mature adult? Certainly, it seems to spare one the pain of face-to-face disclosures with all the people in life who occupy space somewhere outside of that most intimate inner circle. And these people still need to know. So social media provides a forum in which you can protect your children and "put out your own message," thereby setting the tone of the discourse (or inevitable gossip) to follow.
On a macro scale, the social media announcement implicitly acknowledges the extent to which we are all connected. After all, the rings of outer circles-- such as the families of your kids' occasional playdates, current and former co-workers, your children's sports coaches and the parents on whom you depend for weekly carpools, not to mention acquaintances at churches, synagogues and community centers-- are all meaningful parts of our lives, if not the most intimate people upon whom we share our innermost thoughts and feelings. And a simple, dignified and honest notice, sparing the heartache of repeated conversations, may also provide important information or referrals. Don't be surprised if someone in the carpool knows a kindhearted, experienced therapist or themselves is a seasoned financial planner or has the number of a terrific babysitter.
In a live-out-loud universe, the social media announcement invites intimacy in a controlled environment -- online. All those caring, outer-circle friends and acquaintances can discuss, online, how they can help you and you, in turn, can take in the support in your own way, from the privacy of your own smartphone or desktop. The social media announcement still protects your privacy to share thoughtfully, and to react or take in other's reactions to the extent that you want to, and when you want to -- the "how" and the "what" are yours to choose. So while some may call it living out loud, in reality, this is merely a thin layer of openness on something so historically private. In effect, it puts in place an outer shell of support, normalizing the divorce announcement so that it is no longer a dirty secret.
So, as technology assumes a vital role in effectuating political change, so too does technology assume a role and in the personal realm. And, as technology evolves, we shift with it -- finding ways for it to accommodate who we are and who we want to become.
This cyber-sharing then culminates here, on the Huff Po Divorce page, which is yet another exploration of what it means to have a community conversation about the intimate struggles so many of us face.
Anyone who knows the LDS community realizes that to them it might have been better for you that you'd never been born rather than leave the church. It's considered to be that bad.
So yes, I announced my divorce to them via email because I didn't want them to have the discomfort of an in-person statement. They had been aware of some problems so I made sure they knew it was a mutual decision, I loved them and appreciated their friendship and understood that we would not be seeing each other again.
There were few responses, the men were surprisingly ok with it, but the women can't seem to manage. I've moved away from that small predominately LDS town so I'm not constantly in their faces and that's been a real boon for me too.
How does that sound?
In any event, I believe most men learn for the first time that they will never go home again when a process server from the courthouse hands them a stack of documents with their bride's signature at the bottom.
Of course, it is only polite to tell your spouse about the divorce personally, not by way of social media.
I will occasionally reveal personal details to others when warranted. I do not, however, care to air out my dirty laundry for all to smell. In my opinion, announcing a divorce would be announcing a huge personal failure, telling the world something I am ashamed of. A divorce -- essentially an irreconcilable conflict or deterioration of a relationship -- is a concession to having messed something up so royally that there is no remedying it. Marriage is not something to lightly enter into or lightly discard. Nor could I simply lay the blame for it on my spouse.
There might be one unintended consequence to E-nnouncing divorce. Your e-friends who are also your spouse's e-friends might feel caught in the middle. Should they keep both as friends? Unfriend one? Whose "side" should they take? It seems to me that few of the difficulties or emotions suffered in personal announcements are really avoided with social media. However, a lot more friends and acquaintances can be brought into the mess.
Thanks for another reason to try to avoid divorce!
Are you worried that if you aired your dirty laundry people will like you less? What's there to be ashamed of?
I say let all of it hang out - the good, yes, but the bad and the ugly too. You'd be surprised at the kind of responses you'll get and genuine relationships that will develop out of that style of communicating..
Facebook is a tool of the apocalypse.
Unless it is adultery, nothing else is "irreconcilable". Heck, I've known women that have not divorced even physically abusive husbands. They run off, let the man heal (or die while he's on a suicidal path), but will not divorce.
What happened to sticking it out till death do us part?
LOL! So "adultery"(the whole purpose of marriage - to control one another) is so horrifying one must get divorced? But everything else you should live with?
How about this: It is your life; do whatever you like when it comes to divorce! He leaves the toilet seat up and you feel you want to divorce him for that? DIVORCE HIM.
You just don't get it. It Is Your Life! Stop trying to use marriage for a control device.
The mere notion that one could/should treat someone this way that you've spent years with, possibly had children with and toss it all aside in a convenient e-mail that enables you to not to have to be an adult and deal with YOUR decisions is appalling.
What a sad state of affairs for us all... these days of sucking at the teat of technology have driven us all backward in terms of interpersonal communication, not forward. THESE days, if you actually are forced to SPEAK with someone it's seen as a bother... and if you receive an actual CALL it's so rare that we now assume that it must be an EMERGENCY if someone were to actually make the effort to pick up the phone and SPEAK with your supposed "friend."
Sad.
http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com
She did it very simply, no details, just that she was now single. She said she hoped this announcement explained why she had been out of touch with or unavailable to us, her intimate friends and frequently seen acquaintances. I think this mass email saved her from making several calls or tacking on the "sorry I've been going through a divorce" line when she next had contact with any of us. Who wants to try to keep track of whom you've told and whom you haven't? Those of us who are close to her made contact and she shared more when she was comfortable to do so.
On the other hand, a FB acquaintance hinted at his divorce on FB then shared some details when people started inquiring. Now he trashes his ex at every opportunity on FB. The grossest thing is his teenage daughter sees the hateful things he says about her mother on FB. I've learned how to minimize the FB postings I see from him.
Party over here!