07/26/2010 06:03 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Eleventh Commandment

Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of Elizabeth Taylor In Vain

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the Fifteen Commandments, as depicted in Mel Brooks' History of the World Part 1, there were five commandments that never saw the light of day. (Watch this short clip to learn about this little known biblical fact in Exodus 20:2-17.)

Anyhoo, one of those laws as commanded by the Lord himself was: Thou shalt not take the name of Elizabeth Taylor in vain. Sadly, we have become a society not dissimilar to those Israelite hedonists running rampant in the desert, building false idols, having orgies and carrying on like...well...people at Coachella. Recently, Katy Perry and Snooki have been cited and compared to Elizabeth Taylor and the Earth has started to shake. Who knows, perhaps this explains the extensive heat in New York City this summer. God is angry at these two women, whose art imitates the life of Elizabeth Taylor. Read these two snippets, which will explain everything.

Snooki was recently compared to Liz Taylor. And I say, De-Nile, is not a river in Egypt.

The Snooki Principle

Now, I have literally heard it all. In the Sunday The New York Times Style section, Cathy Horyn utters the words Elizabeth Taylor and Snooki in the same breath. Like it wasn't bad enough that Katy Perry recently compared herself to La Liz. (See below) But, really? Snooki? Snooki? Would somebody stick a fork in me, because I am done.

"The reason she (Snooki) makes me think of Elizabeth Taylor -- quite apart from the unbridgeable divide of talent and beauty -- is that photographs of Ms. Taylor in the 1960s, many of which recently ran in Vanity Fair, confirm a short, busty woman with high hair, big jewelry, garish taste in clothes and a complete indifference to the cyclonic effect that all that produced."

First of all, Alexandre de Paris, the designer known for the elaborate up-do's of that time was a master artist. The Snooki bump is utter nonsense. All you need is a friggen Bumpit and too can be Snooki for a day...namely on Halloween. And as for the garish taste in clothes, Cathy, what was you mother wearing at that time? Go rummage through old photos. You'll see that Liz Taylor was at the height of chic for the fashion of the times. I just can't even believe I am writing half of this stuff. I am out of here, I am going to watch A Place in the Sun and compare it to Season One of Jersey Shore. I am surprised Ms. Horyn did not throw in the comparison of The Situation to Richard Burton while she was at it.

Katy Perry launches Purr, a new fragrance.

Katy Perry Purrs Like A Wanna-Be Cat on A Hot Tin Roof

Look, I love that new Katy Perry song California Girls. It kinda makes me feel like a California girl, they play it my spiritual aerobics class, the video is adorable. Love it. Love it all. What I am sad to report, is that Katy Perry was feeling compelled to go one step further to monopolize the media by launching a new, signature fragrance called Purr. What's worse, is that sound bite in Women's Wear Daily, "I am a product whore," Katy Perry said with a laugh. "I am a consumer of a multitude of beauty products and I'm always looking for the next great thing that will make me into the young Elizabeth Taylor I would love to be. I must have about 100 products on my counter right now." Purr all you want, you are not A Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. If La Liz is your inspiration? Great. Claim that because she is mine, too. But creating a bottle of schpritz does not Elizabeth Taylor make anything. Have you considered signing up for The Actor's Studio?

California Girls is also the song of the CW11 for this fall season, so get used to seeing her, hearing her and now smelling Katy nauseum.