Kickin’ It Like Larry King

05/25/2011 11:45 am ET
  • Adam McKay Film director; Co-Founder, Funny or Die

When you get super old and have done TV talk shows for half a century like Larry King, you don't have to come up with a premise for your columns. You just write whatever's kicking through your mind and, because you're Larry King, people dig it. I've never hosted a talk show and am still on marriage one, but screw it... I'm doing a Larry King "free association column" anyway. Maybe next I'll interview Stephanie Powers for three hours or do a ten-year anniversary show on the Menendez trial. But for now, here's this...

The other day I got movie tickets online and somehow subscribed to Entertainment Weekly. And I'm semi-okay at using the Internet. That's kind of sleazy, Movie Phone and EW. I thought you were better than that.

Immediately after the London bombings I overheard someone say, "See! That's why we're in Iraq!" It knocked the wind out of me. "But even the President admits there's no connection. Powell said it... Al Qaeda hated Iraq and Hussein..." It doesn't matter. We're into animal response territory here. Like when you try and help a scared dog and it bites you. The whole world has become a threat. Things are blurry.

Man, am I the only one who thinks Aaron Brown is the biggest weenie going? He makes me want to cancel NPR funding (I know he's CNN, but his whole shtick is so public radio -- only with no teeth at all).

I wish there was a way to wear shoulder holsters without the gun, cause shoulder holsters look super cool. Wouldn't it be cool if your dentist rested his elbow on a filing cabinet and you saw he was wearing a shoulder holster? And then he was like, "what are you gonna do about it?"

Funniest show you've never heard of? Wonder Showzen on MTV 2. It's the bravest thing on television. If you're at all lame, even slightly, don't watch it. I am lame and it scared me.

The Cavs getting Larry Hughes to play with LeBron could shift the whole balance of power in the East if new GM Danny Ferry can find a solid big man to play with Drew Gooden. The Age of James could be beginning.

Do you think when Cheney cuts himself shaving, actual sulfur seeps out of the cut?

We live in an age where when you receive a letter marked "Urgent! Do Not Discard!" the very first thing you definitely do is discard the letter.

So there's bombs in London. And everyone goes back to their crazy hunched defensive position. How about a little coolness under fire, America? How about hunting down these terrorists and jailing them without losing our minds?

If crack is illegal why isn't Fox News? Both make you lose your mind and both feature the twisted visage of Brit Hume (if your crack is really good, you should get a decent Hume hallucination. Go to 23rd and Wentworth and ask for HoHo.)

Why did they make it that Dr. Doom's actual skin turned to metal in the new Fantastic Four movie? That kind of wrecks the whole thing if you're a comic book fan.

Is it me or has the comic strip Beetle Bailey gotten really good with its whole Iraq war angle? I'm kidding, but can you imagine? Is Beetle Bailey still being run, by the way? How about Wizard of Id?

Who woke Tony Stewart up? He's been on fire lately in the Home Depot Car.

Can we all just stop being defensive -- and will anyone who voted for W Bush just admit they made a terrible, potentially country-wrecking choice and then we can all move on?

I have to go have dinner with wife number seven and Larry Hagman at Danuto's in Santa Barbara... Oh, I'm sorry, I accidentally channeled Larry King on that one.

I love all the talk from the corporate right about how we have to put clean air and poverty on the back burner after the bombing in London and return the focus to terrorism. Like both can't be done at once? The other day I was driving and I want to change the radio station so I let the car wreck while I turned the dial. Because when you do something everything else has to fall apart. Right? Jeez. These guys make up the most moronic justifications for their insanity and greed.

Hate to break it to you, but if you still support Bush after what's happened the last five years, you're probably the victim of some serious propaganda. Like really good stuff. You should call the DNC and offer to do studies for money cause you got thought bombed!

How amazingly cool is Jim Lampley? Who would have guessed? Boxing analysts usually don't make brave and insightful activists. But Lampley does and is. Though back in ‘98 I did see Larry Merchant at a Rage Against the Machine concert.

Most redundant and lame comment from the comments section of HuffPost from right wingers: "It's writing like yours that make me glad I became a Republican..." Response: I have a feeling you're looking for justification at every turn these days...

That's it. Watch my show this week when I interview... no one. Cause I'm not Larry King.