Huffpost Green
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Aemilia Scott Headshot

Don't Hate Whole Foods Because of Health Care...

Posted: Updated:

Hey liberals, are you angry that the CEO of Whole Foods doesn't want a government option for health care? Does that make you want to boycott your local store? Come on, hipsters, wake up. Don't stop shopping at Whole Foods because its John Mackey is acting like a 19-year-old who just read his first Ayn Rand book. Stop shopping at Whole Foods because you're hipper than that.

Huffington Post readers, this is your clarion call. I know you. We're the same, you and I. You've been shopping at Whole Foods for a while now. You were one of the first. You felt that tingle of excitement at planting your flag. You were thrilled when your parents started shopping there. It made you feel like your whole family was hip.

I've got news for you: Whole Foods is lame. It's been lame for a long while now, but you didn't notice, because it sang you to sleep with a lullaby of green as it sold you frozen dinners and prepared meals dressed down in hip's clothing.

When McDonald's first restaurant opened it was a modern revelation; families went there for Sunday dinner together. Then McDonald's took that slide down the steep ravine into Rio Lamo, and the hip families stopped going. And you're definitely hipper than McDonald's now, right?

Now, look at your local Whole Foods. Walk up to the front of it, and squint your eyes. It looks big, and bright, and sanitary. Looks like a Path-Mark, doesn't it? If you live in the Midwest, maybe it seems like a Dominicks? See, there was a time when Path-Mark was the biggest, brightest, coolest grocery store in your neighborhood. And then Whole Foods opened, which made your local Dominicks look incredibly lame. So you started going to Whole Foods because it somehow seemed more...organic? Personable? No. Hip.

Whole Foods is lame. All of your lame neighbors shop at Whole Foods. You wouldn't shop at Urban Outfitters anymore, would you? Well your lame neighbors just discovered Urban Outfitters, and they love it. Your lame neighbors just found out about this awesome band called Arcade Fire, and they want to lend you the album. See? You used to think Urban Outfitters and Arcade Fire were hip. But now you know that those two things are, actually, completely lame.

Whole Foods is the Path-Mark of the oughts. You shop at Path-Mark.

So, what is the next, hip thing? What is the King Khan and the Shrines of grocery stores? Here's the amazing thing, Huff Posters: I can't tell you. You've got to discover that for yourself. Because the next hip grocery store is your local one, the tiny one, that stocks local produce from the farms in your area. In fact, the next hip grocery store may be so five minutes from now, so underground, that it's a fold-up tent that exists only on Saturdays in your local park or Sundays on your neighbor's porch. This transgressive food happening is called a farmer's market, and no, a farmer's market does not stock O Magazine and vacuum pearls at the checkout counter. Those things are lame, and belong at lame grocery stores like Whole Foods.

So, the next time you see your lame neighbor wearing that distressed t-shirt with the fleur-de-lis print on the upper right, or the lower left, or the chest area, and the military cap, and the Chuck Taylors, remember how lame you feel that person to be. Remember that, and then realize that you look that lame carrying a Whole Foods bag in your super hip neighborhood.

So stop shopping at Whole Foods, my HuPo comrades. But don't stop shopping there because John Mackey hates poor people. Stop shopping there because you've woken up. You've seen the lameness. And you've moved on to hipster pastures.

From Our Partners