For some people, loneliness comes and goes. For others, it is a chronic condition. I was talking to a good friend of mine, a successful businessman who travels extensively, and he confessed to me that he keeps himself busy every moment, because he cannot bear the thought of being alone.
I see loneliness as a wall that separates us from our true selves. The most effective way to dissolve it is with loving and compassion for ourselves, by getting to know who lives behind the wall, and encouraging it to come out and be seen. When we are connected to ourselves, we are filled with peace and calm. But how do we connect when we are alone, and feel like we are separated from ourselves?
My mother had this extraordinary capacity to enjoy the company of herself. When I asked her if she was feeling alone, she would reply, "Darling, I am not alone, I am with my self." I loved her way of reframing being alone. She had the definition of being alone right: All One ... a oneness with all.
I never saw my mother idly surfing channels on TV. She never touched a computer in her life. She never owned a cell phone. She had this ability to commune with herself and with nature, and would often become lost in the moment. I remember returning home to find her enjoying her tea in the kitchen, with English digestive biscuits, feta cheese and toast, settled into the ritual ceremony of eating, reading, writing, thinking ... just being. In that presence, there was a sense of comfort, and of room to be and to become.
One would think that nowadays, between our jobs, families and social obligations, we do not have enough time to be lonely. How easy is it to cover up our loneliness with Facebook, Twitter and browsing the web, filling in the quiet moments with distractions? All the while, our soul patiently waits for us to contact her. These constant, superficial interactions can create a chasm between who we show up as in the world and who we truly are in our hearts. Loneliness is caused when we suppress and censor our true feelings, which happens when we do not feel supported and encouraged to express our vulnerable side. There seems to be this shame or fear in admitting when we feel lonely, and so we shut down and separate ourselves from ourselves and from each other. The bottom line is that the human heart comes alive with the offering of oneself and one's gifts, with being seen, and with knowing that we matter.
If I am connected to my heart, my loving for myself just flows, and the judgments fall away. What causes the gap between our social identity and true self are the parts of us that deserve our attention and affection, but have instead been discounted and ignored. The gap causes separation between our hearts and ourselves, which creates loneliness. It takes emotional courage to be vulnerable, especially with ourselves.
One of my favorite monologues comes from Tom Stoppard's play, "The Real Thing." In the monologue, he calls the special self the real thing, the "undealt card," that he believes we only share with our significant other. What happens to that undealt card when it has no place to go? Where does it land when we have no significant other to share it with? That "undealt card," that intimacy, cannot possibly come alive in the rigors of daily life. It needs space, and our full attention and willingness to a take step back and allow it to come forward. This real thing is always within us. If we keep it locked away, exiled until we find a special someone to help us access it, we will always feel lonely and incomplete.
If you are feeling lonely, try to identify what you are feeling lonely for. We often associate being lonely with longing for the company of others, but loneliness can also stem from not giving voice to our longings. Sometimes we long for the creative side of ourselves. Sometimes we long for intellectual stimulation, for beauty, for adventure, for meaning and purpose. Other times we long for emotional nourishment, appreciation and acknowledgement. We long for someone to listen to us deeply, so we can voice our true feelings.
Reaching outward and connecting can give us validation. However, going inward to find our real thing makes us more self-reliant. Out of self-reliance comes more wholeness, which leads to fulfillment. Becoming ourselves is a full-time job. Our loneliness can become the pathway that leads us to discovering the unrealized and unexpressed parts of ourselves. Our spirit thrives in being called forward to assist us, help us transform, heal and express ourselves. It remains steadfast, waiting to be called.
There is a place I like to call a "heart zone" that lives in all of us, a place which encompasses all our "selves," including our loneliness, our judgments and our misidentifications. It is the vast, safe, and expansive space where unconditional love resides. It encompasses the true self, and if we allow ourselves to fall into it, we feel embraced and at home. I call it "gliding into your heart." Each one of us has to find a way to return home, to where we are at peace within ourselves. Opening ourselves to what our loneliness has to express can become a bridge to our heart. Share with us a time in your life when you were lonely, and what your loneliness taught you.
I'd also like to announce that Sklubbertonk is the winner of our October 26 giveaway. Thanks to everyone who entered.
Agapi's book "Unbinding the Heart" will come out February 1, 2012. Join the conversation on the Unbinding the Heart Facebook page or visit the Unbinding the Heart website.
I am what is known as a "loner" and have always taken my own path to whatever and wherever - BUT for 10 years I was surrounded by volunteers who became friends at my non-profit, no-kill pet rescue and those are friends to this day. I cherish them and some visit regularly, but when I am alone I can be quite content with my garden, my animals, my books.
Some of us are not "group" people and are uncomfortable in large groups and crowds, even though we can put on our "big girl panties" and deal with them successfully when necessary. We sometimes have to push ourselves to become involved physically in a group, even if we believe whole-heartedly in the cause.
After many years of dealing with and working with the public, it is liberating to feel that I can pick and choose what I want to do (volunteer two days a week at a non-profit thrift store) and who I want to do it with. Other than that and my books, animals, garden, visits with friends and family, I am content to be alone most of the time.
People need a tribe. Others to connect to. Like the gentleman below says, there is a difference between being alone and being "lonely." Americans are famous for feeling lonely in a crowd. There is much bustling and figeting with gadgets---but no real connections with people. And this cannot go on.
Good to define this in a proper way.Many people are so lost in their situation of loneliness.And the most common mistake is to fill that gap by being needy in company with other people.It's great to be with people, but if we're running away from our true self and replace it with the company of others, we'll miss our best part., and even the relations with others will suffer, since we becomes "vampires", sucking the other one dry, trying to take from them what we were suppose to provide from our self in the first place.I notice this between people all the time, and it's tiring, tragical and not fruitful. The hard part is to pass the information in this article, since few actually realize that it is like that, and it takes self examination and motivation to do anything about it.
But how relaxed and cool it is to be with people who's already there!
Sometimes loneliness makes good company.
At least you've got someone who's listening to you
Growing old, someone who
Won't complain or flip your secrets---
Even if you've knifed it in all those places
Childhood might still reside. If you're
Talking about love, then you have someone who'll
Love you back,
Arms intertwined with you
Round and round and round
Slowly
In the gaze of a glass god
Reminding you that
Every moment you're onstage
You're slightly off-center, like a cow watching
A racehorse. You're trying to dig the yellow out
Of honeycombs
And the reflection
Sits opposite you when you're eating, works
Beside you as you go over files at the end of an
Office day. If you falter,
It won't change.
If you tell it, Go away and
Raise the low sky under which origins mean little,
It would. If you listened even
Once
It would be saying
One day you will be conceived again,
One day you can be reborn.
---FXA
Thank you for shining your light on a topic that brings discomfort to so many. Your words return us to our center --the place where all we need is found.
I'm looking forward to your book.