Dear Agi,
I was married for seventeen years to the only man I had ever really dated and together we had two children. As the years went by we fell into the stereotypical dilemma of putting on the pounds, lots of them. I guess after years of marriage and raising our kids we didn't have a lot to talk about, so eating dinner in front of the television was easier then sitting at a table in complete silence. We finally ended our mutual silence by a very loud divorce two years ago. Now I find myself struggling with my insecurity and I can't help but blame my ex-husband for it.
In an effort to save my marriage I decided to loose weight hoping to make myself attractive to him once again and thought it may motivate him to do the same. I signed up with a weight loss program and successfully lost forty pounds. For the first time in years I began to feel good about myself and I had a renewed sense of energy too. Unfortunately, my husband didn't follow my lead, instead he began to put on the weight I was loosing and then some. It was as if my loosing weight infuriated him so he was determined to ignore my progress and protest against me by eating fast food and sitting by the television until I went to bed. My ego began to crumble as I went to bed nightly a lonely married woman. One evening after staying awake until he came to bed I instigated a romantic moment when to my shock and horror he began to laugh!
"Look at your boobs, they're sagging and deformed!" he cackled.
I shot back in tears and fury;
"Yes they are sagging, I just lost forty pounds!"
I have never been so humiliated and hurt in my entire life. I put so much effort into making myself look better for the one person I thought would be most proud of me. In that moment he destroyed any sense of self-esteem I had left. From that day on I would never let him see my breasts again keeping a t-shirt on around him at all times.
That road eventually led us to divorce court and the rest as they say is history. My question Agi is simple, now that I am two years divorced I would really like to start dating, however, I am terrified of becoming intimate because of my body. I just can't imagine how I could ever let anyone see me naked again. How do I move on from this?
Sincerely,
Marcia
~
Dear Marcia,
Congratulations for loosing the weight and discovering your inner and outer strength. I would also like to commend you for moving on from your ex-husband who is a real 'boob.' It's interesting to see people point fingers and make fun of others without taking a deep look inside themselves. Usually what they find is a reflection of their inner beings staring back at them via the words they have thrown at someone else. Now that he is single he will have lots of time for self-reflection, let's hope he uses his time wisely.
You are obviously a woman with great strength and self-determination and I am glad your spirit found a way to draw the line in the sand. One should never allow someone else to define your self worth, we are deserving of this grace on our own. I would also caution you not to blame your ex-husband for feeling insecure. The Buddhist's have an explanation that says it perfectly:
"To hate or blame another is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Find gratitude in your heart for him, because without him you wouldn't be digging deep inside yourself to find a way to evolve into a better person. Here's to your ex!
I have a couple of tips on how to help you move past this and open your heart to true love.
Begin by writing down on daily basis five things you love and respect about yourself. If you feel you can't find one attribute then start with loving the fact that your body allows you to breathe regularly without external help. This statement will undoubtedly jolt you into finding many aspects of internal love. Look in the mirror and read your list out loud daily, allow yourself to connect with your internal child. This child exists inside all of us. So often we forget to remind ourselves of how precious we are and how a spirited little person is just waiting to be rediscovered by our grownup selves. Go ahead, laugh and giggle with that little girl. Somehow, I am sure you will find the whole process weird and in that moment allow your laughter to pour out. Being silly is really therapeutic and enlightening.
One night a week take time to woo yourself. Yes, I said woo yourself. If you want to be prepared for a hot date then you must be prepared to accept the Woo that is coming your way. On your date night with yourself make a favorite meal and pour yourself a glass of wine, champagne, orange juice or whatever libation you enjoy. Set your table for one with all your best china and sit down to a candlelit dinner. Make sure you have soft music playing to enhance the celebration of who you are and where you intend to go in life. Let yourself dream about the future and open your heart to the loving partner that is coming into your life.
Next, go out and buy yourself some sexy lingerie. You're never going to look seductive in a t-shirt not even to yourself. So toss the t-shirt or use it as a cleaning rag. Remember, its not what's underneath the lingerie, it's the mystery of what lies beneath it. Wear your new nighty at bedtime even if you are sleeping alone. Just wearing a negligee can make you feel flirtatious and once that energy emerges from you it will behave like a love potion that men won't be able to resist.
When you finally meet someone you want to be intimate with here are some opening night jitter preventers that will help you overcome any anxiety. The golden rule of thumb; when in doubt, turn off the lights and light a candle. Everyone looks good in the glow of a soft flame. Never, ever, go out on a date without wearing a sexy bra and panties. Your mama was no fool when she said 'never leave the house without clean underwear.' You don't want to get caught with your pants down wearing faded old undies. Keep in mind that less is more; always let him make the first move. We don't want him to figure out that you are ready to explode from the lack of passion in your life. Men are animals, they can smell desperation ten miles away.
Finally, if you are still feeling insecure after whoopee, confidently and playfully walk out of the bedroom backwards. A little self-injected humor always keeps things light and fun.
The moral of the story Marcia is to lighten up, embrace and celebrate your flaws. We all have them, which makes us interconnected within the universe. Give thanks for who you have evolved into. I firmly believe the best is yet to come for you Marcia.
Take great care my friend.
Agi Smith
If you have a story to share or a question you would like addressed regarding your divorce please email us at: agismith@comcast.net