Dear Agi,
My parents divorced in 1957 during an era when divorce was not an acceptable alternative and it was the dirty little secret people whispered about. At the time I was fourteen and my sister was eleven years old, too young to understand what was happening to our family. My Dad was a wonderful father to both of us; he was kind, generous and funny. Unfortunately, he was a philanderer who was easily bored when things were sedentary around him. After many years of his running around my parents finally ended their marriage in a bitter divorce. The tear in the family unit was difficult on all of us and as a young child it was very confusing for both my sister and I. Years later as a teenager, my father and I finally spoke about the unspeakable. He explained it to me in a way I could understand. He said he loved my mother very much but he just wasn't in love with her, a distinction he made carefully allowing me to fully comprehend how he felt. I understood and respected that he didn't want to live a loveless life and he wanted my mother to be able to find love too. I appreciated his honesty and willingness to share a very painful part of his life.
Sadly, both my mother and sister hung on to their anger and stayed bitter toward my father to the end. My mother never took responsibility for her part in the deconstruction of her marriage and my sister took my mother's side passionately. As an adult I now see that my parents were both really good people, but they were just not meant to be together. As young people living in the fifties they felt the pressure of getting married and did so at the tender age of twenty-four. As I look back I believe they were too young to be committing to one person for the rest of their lives. Today, I have great compassion for both of them.
My path took me on a polar opposite journey of my parents. I have been happily married for years to a non-philandering husband who loves our family and me. My sister went on to suffer a bitter divorce of her own and she continues to be angry and blame everyone around her for all that has gone wrong in her life. It is because of this I am writing you. My sister and I have literally come apart and we don't communicate anymore. It is a very painful experience for me and I wish we could mend our differences and spend time together.
Agi, my father provided very well for my family long after the divorce and even for my mother after he remarried. It pains me that my sister and I can't get past how each of us saw the divorce so differently. This happened over fifty years ago, why can't she just let it go? This really goes to show you that divorced families stay affected always and forever.
Regards,
Sabine
~
Dear Sabine,
Thank you for sharing your family's dirty little secret of divorce. It really puts into perspective the affects of divorce and how it has the ability to permanently change people's lives if it's not dealt with in a gentle manner. Your sister's pain and anger reminds me of a Buddhist story:
Two Buddhist monks who are sworn to silence and are never to speak to or touch a woman went on a sojourn together. As they approached a large body of water they noticed a woman standing at the edge of the water looking panicked as there was no way around and she clearly did not know how to swim. One of the monks picked her up and swam her across the water to the other side where she thanked him and went on her way. Hours later as the monks continued to walk in their vow of silence the monk who didn't pick up the woman shouted:
"How could you carry that woman across the water? It goes against our vows and religion!" He fumed.
The other monk responded:
"Are you still carrying her? I dropped her off hours ago."
I am sure you can see the moral of this story is to embrace the process of letting go. Your sister's need to hold on to her anger is backed by the fear she experienced in her childhood when your family fell apart. Her younger self remembers what it took for her to survive during a time when she felt alone, terrified and more importantly, abandoned by the adults she looked to for sustenance. She has been carrying the burden of her fear and survival for far too many years. Getting divorced in any era is always going to be difficult for all parties involved unless the proper communication is used to help everyone understand that none of it is any one persons fault.
Sabine, your sister may never be able to let go of her pain and the two of you may never unite as a family. But that doesn't mean you can't heal your own wounds from years ago and the pain of the separation from your sister. I would recommend writing two letters to your sister.
In the first letter, express to her the love you feel for her and your sorrow that the two of you are not in each other's lives. Don't accuse her of anything and don't tell her that your father was right or wrong. Let her know you remember the pain you both experienced as children and tell her your sorry you were not wise enough back then to have been able to help her feel safe. Share with her the fear you too felt as a young child, this will help her feel less isolated. Let her know that your heart will remain open for her to enter anytime she is ready and you respect and accept her position on the family matter. This way neither one of you will feel that there will never be an opportunity for healing. You can choose to send or not send this letter.
In your second letter, I want you to share your experience of what happened as you remember it from your inner child's perspective. Explain to her how you found forgiveness for both your parents. Describe how you discovered your internal peace about the family falling apart and how you are now in full acceptance that all that happened was meant to be so that you could become your higher self. Share with her the joys your husband has brought into your life and how you chose to behold life differently then the way your parents did. Explain to her this decision was deliberate because your internal spirit knew life could be better and you were determined to find it. Tell her how sad you are that she can't see the beauty in life that you see and your wish for her is to find her internal grace and wisdom so that she can one day join you in this space and time. Ask the universe to provide her with peace and love in her crippled world. Fold the letter up and place it in an envelope and don't send it. Keep it as a reminder that your love for her and your family will run deep and far and thank your internal spirit for showing you a better way to live by letting the pain of your childhood serve you.
Divorce shouldn't hurt this much for so long and I am truly sorry your family has suffered. I do know that both you and your sister are making a difference in the world simply by sharing your story and for that I am grateful. Continue your sojourn Sabine, and let the joy in your heart carry on and pour out to those around you so they can splash themselves with the beautiful world you have created.
I wish you all the best my friend ~
Agi Smith
If you have a story to share or a question you would like addressed regarding your divorce please email us at: agismith@comcast.net