Finding the Perfect Man Après Divorce

The advice people gave me after my divorce was to find a nice guy. As if this would be the cure-all for my life falling apart. In hindsight, it's hard not to burst into a full-blown mirth over the whole concept, falling out of one relationship with broken wings and expecting to fly into another successfully without repairing oneself. I'll be honest, at the time I too believed finding a nice man would be my cure all. Boy, was I wrong! Its good to know I have moved forward in a more mature fashion since then.

It all began with my post-divorce girlfriends telling me about the lists they were writing outlining the qualities of their perfect man. A lot of the attributes were the same across the board; nice, handsome, rich, funny, loyal, mind numbingly boring.... While others had some rather unique attributes; body of Adonis, Mega CEO, famous, never married, dream on, dream on.... I too found myself writing a list. It was hard not to be encouraged to do so since some of my friends ended up with a man that matched most of their wants. Even Oprah has suggested writing a list of your perfect man to help manifest him. Surely, if Oprah says I can manifest a man via a list then of course I had to write one.

As I read my list nightly, I envisioned a puff of smoke rising up out of my journal swirling around me and in a poof my perfect man would appear. Clearly, this never happened and I quickly realized finding the perfect man could easily turn into a second full time job. Eventually, I generated some traction in my hunt via friends who set me up on blind dates with the guy that was perfect for me.

First, there was Terrance, a smart handsome successful attorney. Our initial date and ahem, last, went on for hours, filled with interesting conversation and mutual divorce stories. Everything was going swimmingly well until he told me that his mother was the final decision maker when it came to his personal life. Listen, I am all about a guy who loves his mom, but the vision of him driving me out to the dessert with a shovel and duct tape in his trunk after his mother disapproved of me just wouldn't get out of my head. Then there was Rick, handsome, VP of a public company, divorced with a young daughter, and as a bonus he had a cute smile. We met for a glass of wine on our blind and final date, at a quaint French Bistro. After five minutes of niceties, he began sharing tales of his recent egregious divorce and how he hired a pit bull for an attorney. Jubilantly, he chirped on how he went for his ex's jugular. He was nearly singing in delight at his witty and evil retorts toward his soon to be ex and her attorney. Two hours later, after not having eked out one word, he said;

"You were so wonderful to talk with I would love to see you again."

Are you kidding me? All I could think was I hope I wasn't that bad during my divorce.

I've had so many of these fab blind dates it's a stunner I haven't been offered a free dog by now. I began to wonder if Mr. Perfect really existed or was he simply a character constructed by the creative minds of Hollywood. After all, I could see myself dating Tom Hanks - he was so cute in Sleepless in Seattle, the perfect partner with the perfect child and the perfect circumstance of no ex-wife. When it comes to Hollywood, everyone knows that a lasting marriage is a statistical anomaly, so why do we eat their romantic garb and believe that such a fantasy could translate into our lives? I'll tell you why; because, no matter how much it hurts or disappoints, love will keep on fogging our clarity allowing ourselves to continue to search and crave more of it. We will starve without it, so we forage through life in pursuit of our proverbial soul mate no matter the cost. The cost emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually we still move onward with a Panglossian verve to achieve this emotion called Love, yet again and again and again.

There is no doubt love and marriage is a mystifying phenomenon, driving people to behave in the strangest of ways. At the end of my divorce I found myself curled up in a ball, listening to unrequited love songs, sobbing breathlessly, and reaching what I believe was the closest I ever hope to see the depths of hell. Then, just like childbirth, I forgot the pain and forged ahead to look for the latest version of the drug called love. Why can't life be like the perfect sitcom, with a kick ass beginning, middle and The End, where we can always find humor? Unfortunately, life doesn't always play out like a sitcom, unless you're Jerry Seinfeld. Let's face it, our beginnings have already been written, but our middle and endings are reliant upon our ability to internally write our own humor filled sitcom. And that is exactly how I have moved forward in my life, living it filled with joy and laughter and the ability to create my own happy ending. I finally discovered divorce is not a destination it's a journey. It is my firm belief without the failure of my marriage I would never have been able to succeed in the most important area of my life, me. My love of self and internal joy has grown exponentially because of the deep soul searching I have done après divorce. We all need to just calm down and let life unfold as it is suppose to without placing pressure on ourselves about needing a soul mate to complete us. Cuz, the reality is, Tom Cruise has yet to burst into my living room to exclaim;

"You - complete - me."

Nor has my best friend like Harry from When Harry Met Sally proclaimed;

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

What I do believe is translated perfectly by one of F. Scott Fitzgerald's characters;

"All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase - I love you."

No matter how difficult my divorce was I still remain a great paladin for the justice of my heart, which remains wide open. I will not settle for less than what I am offering me. Loving and cherishing me, showing compassion to others and myself and speaking the truth all the while laying on the same common ground with my partner - wherever he may be. Divorce hasn't made me bitter nor has my endless hunt for the perfect man. Who knows, some day I may discover another soul who matches me and together we will experience something new, something that has never been. I now trust myself enough that if and when my perfect man comes along, somehow I will just know it.

 

Comments

[Raymond Mollica]

11:28 PM on 01/17/2011

You're on to something here. There is no perfect man out there or woman in case you didn't know it. Maybe we have such a high divorce rate in this country because of all the childish expectations we bring into a marriage and divorce. Perhaps if we really looked at ourselves more closely instead of the other fellow we would find that if we changed ourselves we could change the expectations we have about marriage and love. Maybe this whole damn entitled society we live in in this country would learn that marriage and divorce isn't the answer for what is wrong with us.

[ShipCritic]

03:28 PM on 01/14/2011

Wonderful post. I've been (very happily) divorced for some time. I've learned that unless I want to be bored to death, to avoid men who are still going through the divorce and those who are eternally angry. I won't go out with a man who hasn't been divorced at least six months ... otherwise I'm put in the place of a faux shrink. I was happy the marriage ended and knew immediately that marriage and having kids just isn't for me. I wanted to see the world, and I have. I made the right decision.

But here's a fact. The older you get, the fewer men you actually want to date a second time. What I believe is important is that you become a professional, that you're able to stand on your own two feet economically. So if you were a stay at home mom, invest the time in yourself; develop skills that you can fall back on for the rest of your life. Learn that you are so much more that a divorced person.

[Agi Smith]

11:56 AM on 01/16/2011

Hello ShipCritic,

Well said. I agree about your point that women should stand on their own two feet emotionally and financially. It is so clear to me that you must find your internal place of joy and from there so many new possibilities will sprout. Sounds like you have it figured out very well. Bravo!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Agi

[RedRat]

07:36 PM on 01/12/2011

I guess men do the same thing in making a list of the perfect woman too. For men, it is, obviously a supermodel with a the sexual proclivity of a porn star. Ha. Just as ridiculous as your list for the perfect man. All nonsense. Ya gotta live in the world that we have, if you are looking for this perfect mate, you won't find it here on this planet.

Be realistic. Also, face an ugly truth that you may not be marriage or relationship material, your life and intellectual curiosity just may not be compatible with another, goes for both men and women.

[Mr Anonymous]

11:06 PM on 01/13/2011

I've always had people tell me I was too smart for my own good. Maybe I should have told my ex that before we got married.

[RedRat]

01:01 AM on 01/14/2011

Being smart or otherwise has nothing to do with it. If you and your wife are compatible and both are growing in the relationship, then you have it made. However, I am convinced that some people are just not cut out to be in any relationship, they just are far too independent and just cannot bring themselves to meld into a relationship--this is the point I am making. Further, this may well be dependent on the time of your life also. When you are young and starting out in career, you just may not be able to or be inclined to get into any relationship. As you grow in your career or intellectual pursuits, you just may not find a compatible person. The list that Smith presented here, sounded a bit more of this latter type, she may just be at a point in her life where another person may be viewed as limiting her growth. She may at first think that other factors are more important but eventually she may see herself in stultifying environment--then goodbye relationship.

[Zammo]

02:22 PM on 01/11/2011

Go ahead, make the list.

Each listing is another reason to reject a potential man.

If you are looking for a reason to reject a man, you will find a reason.

Have you thought about some nice housecats for company?

[Agi Smith]

03:31 PM on 01/11/2011

Hello Zammo,

I am sorry you didn't hear the real message of my story ~ True love and fulfillment can only be found within. The list symbolizes the reality that nothing is perfect and therefore it is essential that a person turns inward to find real lasting love. Getting to the place of openness takes self reflection and once you have come to peace internally you can then move forward with an open heart and allow a partner in...If you so choose to have a partner. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Agi

[Annie Parker]

02:30 PM on 01/10/2011

It’s wise to realize that jumping right out of one relationship and into another is probably a bad idea. It’s wise to find your own joy and not look to others to bring it to you. I don’t think so much about some list of desired traits, but of deal breakers, things we KNOW we don’t want, like the mother thing—double deal breaker, like a drinking problem, or like a comment such as Box500‘s, “… I guess I like women too much to love just one...whic­h is a tough sell.” I just bet it is. (Deal breaker.) Perhaps it is why I’m still single? I’ll take single over settle any day.

I’m with your computer-thieving friend: “Good luck and have fun writing.”

[Vicki Larson]

12:47 PM on 01/10/2011

My advice — ditch the lists and be open to who comes your way. Then, look and listen carefully. I'm not sure if that's a way to find someone "perfect" or a soul mate, but it sure is a way to see who and what a person is. Then. you can decide if he's the right one.

[Agi Smith]

03:33 PM on 01/11/2011

Vicki,

Thank you for your comment. The list is a metaphor and tongue 'n cheek for the truth that there is no 'perfect man or woman.' The true essence of the story is to always go internally when you are in search of something external that is where you will find everything you need!
Thanks for sharing.

Agi

[Donald Simon]

11:13 PM on 01/09/2011

Your story is inspiring because it shows that you chose to mature and be joyful on your own,. Whatever man gets to marry a woman like this is indeed a fortunate soul.

[Agi Smith]

01:17 PM on 01/10/2011

Donald,

Thank you for your compliment. I so appreciate that you understood the meaning of my article behind the funny!
Agi

[bessielil]

01:00 PM on 01/09/2011

My husband just walked through the living room after shoveling the front walk, carrying said shovel on his way to the back steps. He said, "It's really cold out there." I am sitting in front of a fire wearing fleece jammies. Having just finished the above article, I said to him, "I feel very fortunate." His response? "Well, you worked very hard for it, and you won the heart of a good man." Yup.

We met after respective divorces, and he would not have been on the superficial parts of your list. I thought I liked tall. I thought I'd die if I married someone who watched sports all the time. He was not an exec back then and we scrimped for quite a few years because of his three children, who would also not have been on my list.

But, he was the RIGHT man, and only after years and years did I realize, he BECAME the perfect man for me.

[Agi Smith]

01:19 PM on 01/10/2011

Hello Bessielil,

I love "he BECAME the perfect man for me" - that truly says it all. I am so happy for you both and it is so encouraging to hear all the beautiful stories of love after divorce. Keep feeling fortunate!
Agi

[Capt Kirk]

11:24 AM on 01/09/2011

Hmm. Methinks you are doomed, as are those friends with their lists of 'qualities', if you can call them that. Male or female, it's the same when looking for a mate: all that really matters is that they love you with all their heart, and that they have values that are reasonably similar to yours. You may not get washboard abs, perfect boobs, movie-star looks, riches or non-stop excitement in the bargain, but you'll always be happy and everything else will follow. People who put money, appearance or other superficial things ahead of real caring and core beliefs almost always end up making bad choices that end badly, and are incapable of making the right choice when it presents itself because they are blinded by all these superficial wants. Thus I say that you and your friends are doomed to a series failures unless you wise up to what is really important. I've seen it happen again and again.

[merlin57]

05:43 PM on 01/10/2011

Right on and fanned. I was reading the lists and got to wondering if any of those list ladies had any clue as to the fact that all guys are not perfect and simply humans trying to make their own way in the world. CEO, adonis abs, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks.... good grief. How about focusing on finding someone who loves you for you and that you can love back based who they are and not just the superficial schmaltz fed to you by Oprah or Hollywood.

[Rozelda]

11:23 AM on 01/09/2011

This is to true!! I've been on some of those magical first (and last) dates, including one that included the proclamation that he was into domination, and would I be willing to be his sub? If we wait for the perfect man, the wait will prevent our "being and becoming" ourselves. After many years of being single, I've realized that I'm okay, and whether or not Mr. Right comes along I'll still be okay. Maybe that's the best thing of all.

[Agi Smith]

11:03 AM on 01/08/2011

I am smiling at all the wonderful comments and the diversity of the male perspective versus the females' point of view. In the end my tale is only to emphasize that love of self is far more important than filling your life with a relationship that doesn't function or makes all parties unhappy. You are correct, there is no 'perfect' man or woman out there. However, if we can hold our inner spirit in a vision of light which represents love, respect and honor, than true joy is attainable.

[Box500]

04:12 PM on 01/08/2011

Well I will say after reading the HufPo Divorce section for a few months.....there is a woeful lack of male perspective. If there is an article writen by a male, it often also just points out the ridiculousness of males, in general. I do appreciate the section though, it just re-affirms my feeling that male bashing is quite fashionable and certainly not politically incorrect right now. I also appreciate this aspect of the HuffPo divorce section for reminding me why I choose to be happily not-married. Although girlfriends inevitably, after a few months, don't like my general philosophy... no matter how gentlemanly I try to explain it. They keep trying to change my mind. I guess I like women too much to love just one...which is a tough sell. For how inept men are, supposedly, why are women falling all over themselves to marry one? Heck if I know. ;)

[pjlowry]

08:40 AM on 01/08/2011

Your attitude reminds me of my older brother. He refuses to settle for nothing less than what he thinks he deserves. Like him, you are going to be waiting for a very, very long time as long as you cling to your unrealistic expectations. There are nice men out there and when you take off your rose coloured glasses, you might have an easier time noticing them instead of waiting for your 'perfect' man.

[IndianaJohn]

12:29 PM on 01/19/2011

Really. Even Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks aren't Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks. They're talented actors playing parts written by talented writers, directed by talented directors, all coming together to create an impossibly perfect story. Unless you're got all that going for you, It's tough to compete. Still, "I let Mom make all my major decisions for me." and "I really stuck it to my last woman." Hmm, hard to believe those guys are still single.

[Suhair Salman Vermes]

06:16 AM on 01/08/2011

Hollywood dramas are based on fairy tales. That is why we love them. I just think people over estimate the soul mate "thing". The reality is we don't need soul mates we need partners. I totally disagree with Oprah saying we should write a list of how we want our "soul mate" to be, this sounds like going to a grocery store. I think once you feel this electricity tinggling in your nerves when you meet someone, then you work together to become each other "soul mates". There is strength and reality in your article. The inspiration for divorced women to go on, and that it will be OK. Great article Agi, give us some more.

[Kevin Kelton]

05:39 PM on 01/07/2011

That's right, reduce all men to one-dimensional cartoon characters and then dismiss them based on your hyper-critical interpretation of an off-handed comment or a minor social faux pas. That isn't judgmental or crass at all, is it?

[Box500]

03:59 PM on 01/08/2011

Good comment

[Pro Texana]

01:41 PM on 01/07/2011

"Listen, I am all about a guy who loves his mom, but the vision of him driving me out to the dessert with a shovel and duct tape in his trunk after his mother disapproved of me just wouldn't get out of my head."

I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read this line. Pure awesomeness.