Dear Agi,
A year and a half ago I left my husband of 30-years because I was unhappy with what our lives had become. We hung in together through hard times and celebrated many joys, including our grandchildren, but a string of disasters such as a death in our family, bankruptcy, along with my husband's seemingly perpetual dark moods following the end of his career led to a total breach between us. It became an emotionless, sexless valley of despair. So, I decided to spread my wings and fly. I was exceptionally heartbroken, but at the same time I was excited at the thought of starting a new life.
In short, I had an affair, which gave me back my self-confidence as a sexual and emotional being. My new lover and I met on business trips and we developed a strong sexual bond. However, I soon realized he was not "the one" by a long shot. Yet, the experience left me exhilarated and it made me feel alive again. My husband did not know about my fling and was therefore blindsided when I asked him for a divorce. He was crushed and pleaded with me that he could change. It all seemed too little, too late, but I agreed to a separation instead of a divorce.
I secretly joined an online dating site and had a bit of fun in the process. During our separation my husband became involved with another woman. At first I was furious, jealous and hurt even though I knew I had no right to be. I think he ended the relationship because of my reaction. My hurt caused by his affair actually seemed to bring us together as we tried to work through the confused state we found ourselves in. We began seeing a marriage counselor where we discussed our feelings for the first time in years. I told him about my affair but kept my post-separation dating a secret. We both began to change in ways we never had before.
Now days, we meet a few times a week, share dinner and have sex regularly. The sex is not electrifying, but it's good and the feelings between us are comfortable, intimate and warm. This is where I become confused. Agi, I have really enjoyed our separation, my husband has never been more attentive and appreciative. You could say I have it all. I get his steady love, attention and sex. I am considering taking him back; however, I am worried his 180-degree turnaround will disappear if we resume our old roles. I don't want to play the fool again. On the other hand, I don't want to lose the person I have invested so much of my life with and may still have a long future with. Is it just stupid hope, or do you think we can make it? Agi, I'm asking you; should I go back to him, or can I keep the best of both worlds and stay separated?
Sincerely,
Alive Again
Dear Still Alive,
Your story is quite unique, mostly because people who have gone the distance and passed the thirty-year mark usually stay put. A part of me admires your moxie for making a drastic change in your life, but the other side of me thinks having an affair was not the best way to achieve it. I can hear your pain and frustration when you share the story of personal disasters; conversely, life is made up of ebbs and flows and the commitment you both made to each other over thirty years ago was not only a contract but an eternal promise:
'I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad (dark moods or good moods), for richer, for poorer (bankruptcy or lottery), in sickness and in health (death in the family or birth of a grandchild.)'
Somewhere along the journey the two of you got side tracked and didn't communicate to each other in ways that may have prevented the collision of your relationship. All that has brought you to the place where you now question whether to take back your husband or keep the best of both worlds. Hmm... Let's look at the obvious. You can't just stay separated forever and expect your husband to hang around and wait for you. At some point you need to have a come to Jesus moment with yourself and decide what it is you really want. In all honesty, you're behaving like a man going through mid-life crisis. He strays and then expects his wife to hang around and wait for him while he continues to go out and taste the fruits of other women. Not cool and not a formula for success. You both deserve better than that after spending thirty years of your lives together. I'm going to try and be gentle about this with you; You have a lot of nerve getting upset with your husband when he began dating after you had an affair and asked him for a divorce. You might as well have taken out the kitchen scissors and cut his twins off.
When a couple spends as many years together as you and your husband have, they tend to create a symbiotic relationship that will either have a negative or positive affect. In your case, it sounds like the symbiosis was turning into a mushy pile of mud. Your husband's dark moods may have been a reflection of what was going between the two of you, or in this case, not going on between the two of you.
I understand you're having fun dating, well, I have news for you -- dating is supposed to be fun! However, dating is tricky business; there are a lot of love addicts out there who are looking for the initial high you get in the early stages of a relationship. Some of them even mistaken it for love, but if you have learned anything through this process you should recognize by now what real love it. It's someone who loves you on Sundays as equally as they do on Fridays. So, if you want a deep visceral connection with someone you can trust, admire and respect for the rest of your life you won't find them by staying in the dating phase because you already have him.
Try being different and give your marriage a second chance. This doesn't mean you have to move back in together right away. Both of you should have to work a little to regain each others' trust. Start by creating some ground rules, which should include not dating anyone else while the two of you are dating. My rule of thumb when it comes to dating:
"If I am sleeping with you we are to be monogamous. Not only out of respect for what we may be creating but for physical safety."
Set up a time frame that you both agree on for moving back into the family home. Once you achieve this, schedule date nights, and once a week each of you are responsible to surprise the other. It could mean an evening of romance or a day of going scuba diving. Sometimes adding a little cayenne pepper to a relationship can heat things up in the most unexpected ways.
I wish you all the best my friend ~
If you have a story to share or a question you would like addressed regarding your divorce or break-up please email us at: agismith@comcast.net
I've been with a woman like this. I would not be surprised if this guy makes a decent income and that's a big part of the reason she's considering getting back with him. She cannot be trusted. Her motives cannot be trusted. Obviously she is out for number one. If this guy "wins" her back, he'll regret it. There are plenty of women out there dying to find a nice guy with a decent income, and some will love him just the way he is and feel lucky to be with him. This woman does not deserve him. When he gets with a good woman he'll be blown away at how good a relationship can be.
So I take it you would be willing to stay married to a woman who had dark moods and was sexless and your marriage was a misery of emotionless sexless despair. You would still love and stick by her just as she is right? Because to expect your wife to be any different would be expecting her to jump through hoops to please you and you shouldn't expect that. Your wife should be good enough for you just the way she is and that is being sexless, having dark moods, and being miserable. You should still stay married to her correct TKDietz?
LOL women leave guys with decent incomes everyday. A decent income does not make a marriage work. Especially if a woman is also making a decent income. Millionaire men get left all the time by women and they certainly have decent incomes. What woman would want to stay with a man just because he has a decent income, but that's all he has going for him? This woman said her marriage was an emotionless sexless valley of despair and that her husband had dark moods following the end of his career (so wonder how much of a 'decent income he had). What in the world is attractive about staying with a man like that. Nothing! There are plenty of 'nice women with more than decent incomes. If that's all a man can bring to the table, he's not bringing much to a woman who already has that. He better come bringing more than that.
My advice?...It takes two to tango and while I'm sure her hubby got lax in the intimacy and sex dept., I'm quite certain she also has contributed to the marital breakdown and it takes two to fix whats been broken. If she was willing, she'd get off the dating sites and focus on what the priority is.
She wants her fun and excitement and it doesn't include the "old man". My question is....what happens when the sex starts drying up or isn't enough anymore?
What happnes when men want their fun and excitement and it doesn't include 'the old woman'? My question is...what happens when the sex starts drying up or isn't good enough anymore for the man? What happens when the man is unhappy because his wife is too..(fill in the blank) fat, lazy, unattractive, want have sex with him etc..) does he get to have his fun? Is it one rule for men and another rule for women? Are women expected to stick beside an old tired man through thick and thin, yet men don't do this with women? We always see the man chasing behind new women, or old tired men trying to relive their youth through young women.
My husband left for another woman. I did not stray and we reconciled. It does happen.
I know what you mean. There is emotional divorce and legal divorce and the legal is the technical divorce.