Last week was my seventh wedding anniversary (if I had stayed married) and I even forgot that it had been my supposed anniversary until days later. But it got me thinking about the year leading up to the wedding, the wedding, and its aftermath. There were so many red flags leading up to the big day, I can't believe that I was so insecure in my ability to listen to my intuition. The morning of the wedding was not sweet and exciting with my future husband, it was like it always was, strained conversation and fake smiles. Our wedding night consisted of him watching a Behind the Music episode featuring the '80s hairband Ratt and me wearing sexy lingerie hoping he'd notice. It's almost comical to think of now, but I remember lying in bed and thinking that this should be a really special night for us, and somehow it wasn't. Something was missing: Communication, trust, affection, and a sense of security to name a few. When I replay our wedding night in my mind, I don't even recognize that woman lying in bed feeling that her relationship was "good enough" and that they would somehow manage.
Being in a relationship that was just "good enough" is not acceptable anymore. I'm looking for greatness. I'm looking for true love with someone that I can call my partner. I understand that every relationship has its peaks and valleys, but I'm looking for one with more good days than bad days. Making it through the bad times should make us stronger, not create a greater divide like my past relationship. And for the first time in a long time, I feel that this is possible. I think that there is someone out there who I can count on, trust, and who will cherish me.
Divorce is a death. It is the ending of something that you thought would last forever. I've been traveling through the tunnel of darkness for two years now, and I'm just starting to see some light and feel that I can breathe again. But I wouldn't take any of it back. I've found my voice and for the first time in a long time, I'm clear about what I want out of life and who I want in it. The next time I'm lying in bed next to someone and they choose a hair band over me, I'm leaving.