06/22/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Bristol Palin's Testimony to Nowhere

The trial of the infamous Sarah Palin email hacker is underway.

The defendant, David Kernell, managed to figure out Sarah Palin's super dooper top secret question that allowed the password on her personal Yahoo! email account (where she conducted government business), to be reset. One can only imagine the long hours of pacing, and brain straining it took to come up with the answer to.... "Where did you meet your spouse?" Google reveals all.

On Wednesday's witness list were then Governor Palin's designated attack dog Ivy Frye, top aide and keeper of the secrets Frank Bailey, and daughter Bristol, who has apparently taken lessons from Dear Ol' Mom about how to play the victim card to its maximum dramatic potential.

Bristol, it seems, told the sad, sad story of how she didn't have a cell phone for weeks after her number was compromised via published email and her phone was confiscated by the authorities. Is it really possible that nobody thought to get the pregnant 17-year old Bristol a new emergency phone to use in the interim, with her parents gone and no land line at the house?

When asked to testify about the text messages and voice messages left on he phone after the number was revealed, she had this to say:

"There was one that really scared me," Bristol Palin testified in federal court. She said she was concerned when a bunch of boys called, claiming they were at her front door and needed to be let in.

"We live in the middle of nowhere in Alaska ... in the middle of the woods," Palin said.

"In the middle of nowhere in Alaska... in the middle of the woods"? Last time I checked, the Palin's growing compound in Wasilla was a stone's throw away from a major highway on one side, and the Best Western Lake Lucille on another side. The zoning is designed to maximize the number of scenic lots around the lake, so there are plenty of neighbors. And I, for one, remember her mother talking over and over about how Wasilla was a thriving city, and the fastest growing community in Alaska.

Not to be nit-picky, but is a federal trial under oath on the witness stand really the place for.... dramatic exaggeration?

And just for a little wider perspective of "the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the woods"...

And as for being afraid about strangers knocking on her door "in the middle of the woods" and not having a cell phone, this just in from The Immoral Minority blog who talked to Sherry Johnston, mother of Levi Johnston and grandmother of Bristol's son.

...during the time that Sarah was on the campaign trail, and Bristol was supposedly without a phone, she was constantly with Levi, AND that she still had the phone Sherry bought for her, AND that she had 24 hour Secret Service Protection! According to Sherry the Secret Service went with her every place they went, even when they came over to her house.

The Palin's Wasilla home even had an out-building erected right there in the yard, just for the Secret Service, that was subsequently dismantled after the campaign. And there they were, standing watch in the middle of somewhere.

The two remaining members of Palin's state security detail were around too -- the only two left after she dismissed the majority of them because she felt they weren't needed.

No word yet if the defense attorney has any additional questions to ask the young lady regarding her testimony.

Tomorrow the media circus will continue, and rumors swirl that Palin's testimony will come some time this week.

Follow the developing story at