11/28/2007 12:19 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

How George W. Can Get His Groove Back



FROM: Turdblossom

SUBJECT: Your Legacy

Mr. President, I know I'm no longer on your payroll, but you said when I stepped down that you still value my advice, so here it is. Besides, I'm bored with telling corporate clients how to lobby Congress and losers like Fred Thompson who think I can do for them what I did for you, which, in all modesty, is put them in the White House.

Anyway, here's how I think you can overcome your dismal public approval ratings and stiffen the spines of Nervous Nellies like Brent Scowcroft and Jim Baker - can't your old man keep them quiet? We both know you've bet the whole taco stand on the war in Iraq, but that's like hoping the Texas Rangers would win the World Series. Even Laura knows the surge is a dry well that ain't gonna produce, and the Middle East peace talks that Condi ginned up will end up just like your favorite cartoon Peanuts, where Luci pulls the football away from Linus just as he's about to kick it.

So you need to do something dramatic to jump start your last year in office and make sure you don't go down in history like another president from Texas who got us into a unwinnable war, Lyndon Johnson. Actually, it's a no-brainer that even you can understand. Guess I should have put that a little more diplomatically, but I promised to tell it to you like I see it. I know this may be hard to believe, but I think Al Gore is the guy who can save you.

You just met with him in the Oval Office after he won the Nobel Peace Prize, and he said nice things about you after your 40-minute private meeting. So that's my point: What better way to get a fresh start than to ask him to return to his old job as Vice President? The environment and energy conservation are huge issues right now, and nobody's greener than Gore.

Yeah, I know that means Cheney will have to step aside. But look, Dick just had to stick his finger in an electric socket to get his ticker going again, for the umpteenth time. That gives you a perfect excuse to ask him to step aside. Besides, he can go back to Halliburton and make millions, just like Trent Lott, by stepping down before the new lobby laws take effect on Jan. 1. He's a good trooper, and I can assure you, he'll go along with it, just like Eisele has been predicting in The Hill and on Huffington Post. Eisele's a liberal wacko but even a blind dog finds a bone now and then.

The beauty of this strategy, in addition to giving the New York Times and all the Bush haters in the press absolute fits, is that it will be the biggest news of the year and make people forget about the mess in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the inevitable failure of the Middle East peace talks. Best of all, you can tell Gore it will torpedo Hillary's campaign, and make him the instant favorite to win the Democratic nomination, and the presidency, which he would have won if I hadn't been telling the folks in Florida how to make sure you were the winner there in 2000.

Glad to help out in your time of need. Trust me, this is the best way to go if you don't want your last year in office to be a disaster. Guess they didn't call me Bush's brain for nothing.