Hi everyone. Since I'm such a great speaker - I mean a really great speaker - I'm going to show you how great a writer I am and let you in on a couple of my secrets for having a reputation as great as mine. Ivanka loves 'em. And she's so hot, I know they're right.
STEP 1. DON'T FILTER. Say whatever comes to your mind. Dig deep into your hate-hate-hate soul and let 'er rip. There are all kinds of things I don't really like - like Mexicans and the Chinese, and oh, yeah, ISIS. It doesn't take me too long to find my material.
STEP 2. DON'T BLINK. Now, my father didn't raise an idiot, and I know these things I say are bound to get me fired. Get it? Fired? I tell ya...I'm a funny writer, too! Univision, Macy's, Reince Priebus...I love these guys. But if they want to walk away from the greatest brand they'll ever know, that's fine. We can complete instead, and I'll wipe them out. I mean really wipe them out.
STEP 3. DOUBLE DOWN. I don't know if you've noticed, but no one thinks they can control me. And the truth is, they can't. But it's only because they're scared of me. And, well, it's true. I'm a really scary guy. At least that's what they think, so it must be true. They're all afraid of me, so they'd rather be my friend. And what's not to like? I love this great country! I love the Saudis. I love Jeb Bush. And have you seen my plane?
STEP 4. LOVE YOURSELF. Here's what you need to know about me. I've got a great reputation. They're hanging from the rafters to get into my speeches. I'm mean literally hanging from the rafters. How great is that? I'm like Jesus in Arizona. I'm like God on FOX. It's like me and The Pope are the only ones calling it like we see it. Like I said, "Say whatever comes to your mind," and you'll be as famous as me.
STEP 5. DON'T LISTEN. Aren't you sick of all this PC crap? I am. And that's why I'm running for president. America needs someone who's not going to listen to all the people who aren't as rich and successful as me. They need a leader who's played by the rules and won big. When I'm president, American will win big too. Now that's politically correct!
You probably don't follow these steps. No one does. And that's why I'm so successful. Because I'm the only one who gets it. Get it!? So while you're trying to figure out why I'm the hottest thing on the Internet since Caitlyn, just remember who plays the game. And who wins. It's me. And it's always gonna be me.
Video image credit: FOX 10 Phoenix