3 Ways To Develop Gratitude (The Great Healer)

We live in extraordinarily complex and confusing times, and many of us are feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of our lives and the difficulty in navigating a world in which so much seems to be out of our control. We may have become resigned to the belief that the best we can do is to get through our lives with as little pain as possible, and may have determined to only care for ourselves and, perhaps, a few other people that are close to us.

Such an approach, though, eventually imprisons us in the very small world of our own needs, pushing away other people, and closing down the possibility of real growth. We may seek relief in a variety of ways - from the pleasures of physical entertainment, to the call to community service, and the possibilities of peace offered by spiritual practices and religion - but we often find that these tactics don't provide the relief that we had hoped for, leaving us feeling more apathetic and cynical than before.

How can we escape this downward spiral?

All that ails us and the world, and the cause of all cynicism and apathy, I believe, comes from the lack of one essential factor in our lives: gratitude. The greatest human spirits have recognized that gratitude is the most rewarding and transformational practices that we can undertake. Cicero, the versatile Roman philosopher, stated:

Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues, but the parent of all the others.

In a similar vein, the thirteenth-century Christian mystic, Meister Eckhart, advised:

If the only prayer you said your whole life was "thank you," that would suffice.

What exactly is gratitude, though? One definition that I discovered notes that gratitude is "an emotion that involves indebtedness toward another person," and that this emotion arises when one receives something that meets the following criteria:

• It is valued by the recipient.
• It is costly to the benefactor.
• It is given with positive intention.
• It is given graciously, without any societal or professional obligation.

According to this definition, when these four criteria are met and we allow the emotion to arise, we experience gratitude. The problem with this definition, though, is that it makes gratitude conditional. When one of the criteria is not met - for example, when we don't value the gift, or when we don't believe that the gift is costly (monetarily, emotionally, or temporally) to the giver - according to this definition, we are excused from feeling gratitude.

Ethical, religious, and spiritual traditions encourage us to adopt a higher perspective on gratitude. From this point of view, gratitude is something far more profound than a momentary feeling of thanks for a specific valued gift. At its deepest potential, gratitude comes from an existential awareness that our bodies, our minds, our families and friends, the world in all its miraculous diversity, and all that we have are gifts. And that these gifts are given to us unconditionally, in love, at every moment of our lives.

This concept can be very difficult to incorporate because, as noted earlier, we tend to associate gratitude only with the receipt of a gift that we perceive to be valuable. When unwelcome events inevitably happen in our lives - disappointments, illness, conflicts - we naturally feel bitter and can easily believe that there is nothing to be thankful for. Conversely, when we get things that we think we want, we may be tempted to take all the credit, and believe that we have achieved these successes solely based on our own efforts and attributes. True gratitude, however, calls us to feel grateful not only for our successes, but also for our problems, our mistakes, and even for people who treat us unkindly. We can actually feel gratitude for our most difficult struggles, because these are seen as ultimately beneficial in our lives, even if the intention is not always immediately clear to us.

Gratitude can solve all that ails us because when we are truly grateful we immediately rise above our fear-based needs to dominate, control, or retreat in to cynicism. And when we approach people and situations with gratitude we will naturally be drawn to positive action, discovering new possibilities that we could never have imagined in the protective shell of self-isolation. These actions can take many forms, depending on the needs of the other person and the situation in the moment, but will always be beneficial for humanity.

Although gratitude is a feeling, it must be cultivated through action. The following offers several suggestions for developing gratitude:

1. Make a gratitude list: Srikumar Rao, who teaches a hugely popular class at Columbia Business School, and is author of "Are You Ready to Succeed"? recommends that we write a daily list of the things that have occurred for which we are grateful. These do not need to be major events, but can be the little occurrences that we usually ignore - the train arriving on time, good weather, a satisfying meal, a stranger's warm smile - and the wonderful people and things in our lives that we all to often take for granted - our families, spouses, friends, jobs, homes, health, bodies.

2. Say "Thank you" to others: Stay alert for opportunities to express gratitude to others as often as you can. You will find that even when you are not feeling grateful, simply saying "thank you" will connect you to others, and will have an impact beyond the moment.

3. Develop a daily gratitude prayer: All religious and spiritual traditions stress the essential nature of gratitude, and place it as the bedrock of faith. Within many of these traditions the first prayer that a practitioner says every morning is "I am thankful for having awakened to another day." This is a prayer of gratitude to our Creator for the very miracle of our lives.

These practices remind us that gratitude is available to us at any moment and under any circumstance, even - or especially - when we are not feeling particularly thankful. Seen from the highest perspective, gratitude is the door that opens to individual and world transformation, revealing our true nature, binding us to each other, and to the Divine.

Comments

[STParker]

I'm very grateful for this article.
I've never been a very religious, or even spiritual person, but I appreciate your perspective and I'm very glad that you've given me the opportunity to learn from it.

You seem like you have a very generous spirit.

[Alan Lurie - Huffpost Blogger]

thank you for your kind comment.
Wishing you well,
Alan

[emolik16]

I have been an alcoholic and drug addict for most of my life. I am very grateful to say that I now have been clean for 4 years.
Gratitude is a huge part of my AA program, it's given me a second chance at life.
My prayers essentially amount to 'please' in the morning and 'thank You' at night.
Hell, anybody's mother taught them that much.
Great article, will be quoting some of it.

[minimalist syntax]

Thank you for this article! I really liked its message.

[JohnFromCensornati]

Really? I've got a backache today.
Who gave me this wonderful gift and who should receive my profound gratefulness?

[minimalist syntax]

The most annoying and sometimes most painful things can become great gifts in your life. It's difficult to answer how exactly it arose, but maybe you could somewhat sullenly observe if gratitude expressed toward nobody and nothing in particular occurs in some part of your psyche and see how it plays itself out.

[PatHayes]

Sorry about the backache. But hey, you do have a back. Can you walk? Bend over and look at a flower?

[MJinCanada]

Well, it's like the story about the very crowded family and the goat. You can't appreciate the backache, but when it goes away you can appreciate how much better you feel.

[Todd Kashdan - Huffpost Blogger]

So glad you are bringing attention to this topic, there can never be enough....

I would suggest that interested people the best book on the topic by the leading researcher, Dr. Robert Emmons: http://bit.ly/bd5y0

Interestingly, I recently found that men (compared with women) are less likely to feel grateful, less likely to benefit from moments when they are grateful, and more likely to view the idea of gratitude as undesirable, unusual, and uncomfortable. Alan, I wonder what your thoughts are on this idea? or what others think...

btw, you can read about the research study at: http://toddkashdan.com/author

[Alan Lurie - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Todd,
thanks for your comment.
Yes, I very much agree that men struggle with gratitude more than women. I also recognize that to many this may sound a bit categorical/stereotypical/judgmental, especially to a postmodern perspective that seeks to eliminate differences (or push them to simply cultural agreements), but this is simply a statement that acknowledges that men and women are in fact different in many way. Women are, in the teachings of most spiritual traditions and in my experience, generally more receptive to nature and the energy of the earth, the flow of life, and to the call of spirit. This sense of receptive connection leads naturally to gratitude. Men, especially young men, are generally more drawn to separation, physical mastery, and competition. This makes gratitude not only difficult, but, for many, something that can be seen as detrimental. This is not bad or good: just different energetic make-ups - both needed for a complete world.
As both sexes age, these difference begin to soften, and many men are gradually opened to gratitude and to the needs of others, as women begin to define boundaries and strengthen self.

[Paul Walker]

Alan, I am grateful for your writing and presence in the world.