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Alan Thicke

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Boomerology: Boomer Swagger: Moses And Me

Posted: 09/06/2012 8:30 am

I was disturbed to realize recently that I'm older than Israel... that Moses and I are in the same demographic.

He would doubtless appreciate the progress Baby Boomers have made, tweeting those Commandments instead of lugging them up a mountainside.

We're proud and loud and on our way out the door we plan to strut about the room like we own the building while accepting props for the lessons we leave. Not exactly the Ten Commandments but at least a Handful of Fine Suggestions.

The "Greatest Generation" title was already claimed but we are determined to be the one with the longest relevance, the gift that keeps on giving as we offer our cautionary tales to those who follow.

It was, after all, our group that recently presided over the launch of an entire millennium, anxious to finish big because, let's face it, that last millennium was overrated.

There were some good things -- the Magna Carta was one -- but there were problems: the Crusades come to mind and the Inquisition spoiled things for a lot of people, as did that famous 'burning sensation' for men with frivolous "lifestyles."

We have witnessed the unimaginable: face transplants, Skype, and the Kings winning the Stanley Cup. If I had told my grandfather about Tivo and cow-cloning, he would have said, "Sure, and some day there'll be a pill for senior erectile issues."

Grandpa Nostradamus.

We are the most connected group ever, maintaining relevance through our own creations such as satellite TV and the internet (invented by Boomer Gore. Maybe. Sort of. Ok, he had help.)

Ah, social media -- hardly crucial but at least it's there until someone figures out how to make it meaningful. Friend requests? Really? To quote myself as few others do, 'If I'd wanted to be your friend, I would have called you once in the last 40 years. I would have asked your mother about you. I would have sent a Christmas card or donated a kidney. '

The key to legacy is what we leave our children. Will they be flying Personal Air Machines and curing Restless Leg Syndrome?

Here's your Breaking News in 2062:

'Environmentalists announce there are no species left on the endangered list. Whales are clogging up the ocean and rare birds are so not-rare, KFC is introducing Eagle Nuggets and Condor Tenders.

World leaders are congratulating the Pope on his wedding in Las Vegas. TMZ reports that the groom looked lovely. And the other groom looked lovely, too.

Consuela Schwarzenegger was officially sworn in yesterday as President of Mexifornia.

Vegetologists -- those Scientologists of Food -- have eradicated obesity by converting members exclusively to fiber.

According to retiring NBA commissioner, Kim Kardashian, the average NBA player now stands 8 foot six, comes from Turkey and is guaranteed at least one reality show for each ex-wife.

Next up for Commish Kardash: hosting 'Cougars Gone Wild', episode 5,000.

Wea Culpa. Admittedly, there have been a few missteps during our tenure.

The laws allowing you to have a gun in defense of your home have been abused. The idea behind "Stand your Ground" was to replace "Poop your Pants." That law needs work.

Political dialogue got ugly, with Mr. Obama claiming he wants to "reach across the aisle"... but only to bitch-slap John Boehner.

Meanwhile, the Charmer-in-Chief has to fake it more than Larry King's wife. (Cheap joke... Love Larry... Sorry, Moses.)

Mr. Romney wants to lower taxes so we can spend money electively... meaning on his election! (Mitt's fund has no Clooney or Maher and it's not easy raising millions from Gary Busey's Twitter followers.)

The Boomers' best advice for surviving this economy: open a joint bank account with someone who has money.

Wall Street? If your children work there, remind them, "Our pension money was not intended to buy you a Lamborghini or put up your nose. The K at the end of 401 does not stand for 'Kids'!"

We allowed the Snooki-fication of society... (BTW, is there such a thing as a "Real" Housewife of Beverly Hills? One who mops the floor and fires the gardener? Next time they whine about a bad botox reaction, refer these lovelies to the Real Housewives of Kabul.)

Did I mention "sex"? I meant to. It's run rampant on our watch and experts encourage us to stay in that game 'til death do us part or golf takes over altogether.

Maybe the Big Bang Theory no longer describes our skill set.

Maybe my 50 Shades of Grey are all in my hair.

That E.D. commercial promises fireworks "when the moment is right" and it's possible your moment was in 1976.

Nevertheless, we keep connecting, and that has made us the most feeling generation on record.

Sadly, we've seen more than the compassionate heart can bear with assassinations and oil spills... tsunamis, tornadoes and fires.

If it's true that things happen for a reason, apparently that reason is to piss you off.

I don't have all the answers -- that's what we have The View for.

But to our loved ones, let us continue elevating the species together. We are blessed to share this time in history.

(P.S. Moses and I now get discount bus fare.)

 
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