A Letter From a Reader of My Book

The following is a letter that I recently received from a man in California:

Dear Alec Baldwin,

I am a divorced father living in (name of city) in the San Francisco Bay area. My ex-wife has primary custody of our 11 year-old daughter. I read your book (A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey through Fatherhood and Divorce; St. Martin's Press) and I also saw you speak during your book promotion at the Commonwealth Club here. Needless to say, I identified with your story and those of others depicted in your book to a great degree.

I have been the victim of parental alienation for five years now. Like you, I have had multiple judges preside over my case; first in mediation, then in court. Like you, one of those judges seemed to understand the principle that "all behavior is consistent" in marriages and on into divorce litigation. My ex-wife is a complicated and narcissistic woman. Subsequently, she and her lawyers have created every obstacle to my custody of my only child. They have succeeded at both denying my requests for time and blocking me from exercising time that I had been awarded by a judge. Much of this comes about as the result of convincing my daughter to speak against me to her court-appointed therapist. My daughter would attend sessions wherein she would describe her visits with me in ways that blatantly contradicted my sense of our time together (as well as what others plainly witnessed) and in language that I found unfamiliar to my daughter. It had sounded to me like the child had been coached to use hot button words like "unsafe" to describe how she felt if I reprimanded her. She described to the court that I never paid any real attention to her during our visits as I was "always on the phone and doing business." I wondered how I could be doing all of that business when we were on rides all day at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.

Things in my case have turned even more unfair, inefficient and downright maddening since the court appointed a minor's counsel to represent my daughter. You briefly touch upon this in your book, but I want to share with you some of what I have encountered. During the period of my custody battle, I have not stood idly by while judges and lawyers suggested or demanded what I should do to better my chances of having a healthy relationship with my daughter. I have been proactive, in the extreme, on my own. I have contacted and had appointments with multiple family law related therapists and learned some interesting things from one or two, particularly those that do not rely on the judicial system for their clients.

Well-regarded therapists I have met with expressed grave reservations about ad litem attorneys in custody cases. Such lawyers too often function as ersatz therapists, probing, speculating about and shaping what their minor clients wish to say or not say to the court. These lawyers are untrained in any field of therapy, let alone the complex issues involving child therapy. And, like the overwhelming number of lawyers in the family law system in California, they cannot resist the opportunity to make hearings, ex partes and any other form of litigation drag on as long as possible in order to pad their fees.

You make certain proposals in your book. That custody evaluators should be selected without the involvement of attorneys. That there be default positions that courts assume for minimal custody for fathers where there are no valid arguments against such orders. That Special Masters serve indefinite terms. (My ex fired ours, too.)

I would add to this list the abolition of minor's counsel provisions in family law. As you said in your book, there are already enough avaricious, ineffectual lawyers in our lives.

Oddly enough, I am a lawyer practicing corporate litigation with a firm that enjoys a sterling reputation for advising our clients as how litigation should be avoided at all costs. We have saved clients untold amounts of money. However, the family law system in California is a disgrace and it is a prime example as to why Americans have little or no faith left in lawyers, judges and justice in our country.

Sincerely,

Don (name withheld)

My book, A Promise to Ourselves, is now out in paperback.

Comments

[sherikafloy]

After reading all of these comments, I realize that I have a lot to be grateful for. My ex-husband has struggled with mental health issues for years and because of that is not able to be a competent father for our daughter, now a teenager, nor is he able to properly care for her. Despite that, I have strived to be sure that my daughter has a relationship with her dad and understands his struggles. Because the most important thing is that she has peace with both of us as we are so that she will be a whole person, not a half of one, looking for a daddy-figure because she never connected with the one she had. Don't we owe it to our children to put them first and do what is best for them by encouraging them to have some kind of relationship with both parents when divorce occurs if it is at all possible? I encourage her connection with her father so that she knows who he is and has a better understanding of herself as well. When you verbally cut down one parent, don't you realize you cut down the child-because for good or for ill, they are a product of both parents and identify with both on some level. Whatever happened to putting the child's best interests and needs first?

[Brandy Michelle Cook]

i was raised by a single father and because of that child protection services were called on use and never once where the allegations found to be valid never once in 18 years and 19 call where their ever any facts in the allegations. when i was about 4 or 5 my father asked the CPS worker why he seemed to be targeted and she told him flat out " we do not believe a man can raise his daughter correctly without a woman around" this statement has stuck with me all my life and i am now 27 and because of this i know that the courts almost always discriminate against the father.

[ADRobinson]

Here is my message form daughter to Daddies:
• Thank you for all the work you did that made my world seem safe and easy.
• Thank you for being on my side, even when you knew I was wrong.
• Thank you for all the times you were strong, now that I know how difficult that can be sometimes.
• Thank you for the times you were vulnerable. You taught me to be compassionate.
• Thank you for pretending that you treated me the same as my brothers, but really wanted me home a little earlier, worried about me a lot more an held me every chance you got.
• Thank you for having the wisdom to let me take my own risks and make my own mistakes, even when you knew the outcome.
• No matter how many men tell me I am beautiful, I became beautiful in your eyes.
• Because of you, no matter how old I get, I still get to be a little girl.

Don’t give up. It matters and you matter.

[Cowboylove]

The good news is with the internet and phones you can stay in touch with your kids. Being there for them is everything and letting them FEEL that will win the day for you overtime.

I went through a very bitter divorce and my wife wen to every extreme to alienate my kids from me. At first, it had an impact, but being consistent there for them, in their corner and having a friendly ear won out over time. They are both grown now and we are very close.

Being there is what they will remember. Be there for them, however you can be.

[Jeffreygeez]

Being there has nothing to do with the internet and telephones. Nothing.

Being there is just that being there. When you have no choice the internet and telephones are better than nothing, but if your not part of at least their weekly lives you are not on the same wave length, you do not know their friends and their friends do not know you, and so forth and so on.

There are thousands of fathers out there who society somehow, someway,believes that they do not love their children the same way a mother does. B.S.- is what that is.

[lemondade]

my son has been fighting for the right to see his beautiful two daughters for years now. their mom has been a nightmare to my son and their daughters; the child protection agency keeps sending them back to their mom who now has two other babies by another father or fathers. i recently purchased this book for my son to let him know that other fathers are dealing with the same unfairness. i thank mr baldwin for writing this book.

[Robby Huang]

like your books too.

[kynycmbp]

I was a child from a divorced home and I've been on the other side of this situation. The only advice I could give a father separated from his child is to never give up on the relationship. It may take years for your child to see if, but she will.

My father, unfortunately, never cared to pursue his rights . A few token visits and phone calls. He tried to blame the separation on my mother, but his arguements were thin. He lived 20 minutes away and he never bothered to be part of my life. Actions speak louder than words.

His refused to not be in my life. They begged for visits and, despite my mother resistance, their persistence paid off. They would not give up on me. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood were of them.

My grandmother taught me to put on make up, and to make red velvet cake and homemade candy. She also taught me about my hillbilly background and the "healin' ways". My grandfather taught me to love my Appalachian heritage and that bluegrass music is a high art form. I miss them so.

My mother still tries to say that the Prestons never cared for me, but I know that is't true, because I know how hard they had to fight to be part of my life. I know that they loved me and I remember them with great love and respect.

Don't give up.

[Tom Matlack - Huffpost Blogger]

BTW Alec we are still waiting you to step up to the plate and take the Manhood quiz for THE GOOD MEN PROJECT. Join Tom Jolly (NYT Sports Editor), Joel Stein (TIme Columnist), George McGinnis, Beniot Denizet-Lewis, Jonthan Eig, and a zillion others.

You can see them all (and our ten questions like..."Wh­en was the last time you cried?" and "How would the women in your life describe you? Is it true?") Here:

http://www.goodmenbook.org/blog/category/man-to-man/

[Tom Matlack - Huffpost Blogger]

Here's a related post about the particularly crazy divorce laws in the state of Mass where many of us are working for increased fairness to fathers:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-benedict/divorce-arianna-style-c-2_b_228771.html

[mamacat]

Wow, that letter is scary. I have heard stories, but I didn't realise before now how down-to-earth those stories were.

[luziannagirl]

What judges must do is watch out for those who are attempting to use the court system simply to make life as miserable as they possibly can for the other party, with little regard for how deeply it hurts the children. If judges started slapping hefty fines and even jail time not only on the litigants, but on their lawyers, too, some of this mess would stop. I watched some of my family go through this and it was heart-wrenching.

Some people live to hate, and in order to inflict maximum hurt on the other party will spend their last dime on lawyers trying to bankrupt and hound the ex.

And where does that leave their children???!!!!!!

[FirstGenRandR]

In the 70s & 80s my husband and I dealt with a "live to hate" ex-wife and the legal system that supported her. I'll skip a blow-by-blow and just say there is no happy ending. In spite of us taking the high road during all those years, her vengeful brain washing won out in the end. We still ask ourselves if taking the low road may have produced better results and each time decide it wouldn't have mattered.

[MaureenSharkey]

I feel so sorry for men in these situations.

In a relationship, character, seems to be the outlasting important thing.

We should teach young people to interview for character while dating.

A woman who fights to keep a man's child from him, well, isn't exactly nice.

[KristinNoelle]

My parents divorced when I was 11. It was lengthy and bitter and I was often put in the middle. My father was quite vocal in letting us know what his "rights" were or should be, how he was being undermined, how my mom cared more about her boyfriend than us, and how she spent all of the child support on herself.

My mom said a fair amount of stuff too; that my dad was an alcoholic, that he didn't pay support, etc.; but unlike him, she never once said anything about custody being her "right." Instead of being defensive, she apologized; not because she did something wrong, but because she just wished that we had better childhood.

In the end, it didn't matter what my parents said. I wasn't stupid and it wasn't hard for me to figure who was lying. My relationship with my mom stayed strong because I knew she wasn't concerned with herself. She didn't have to tell us. On the other hand, it was very obvious that my relationship with my father was 10 times more about him than it was about me.

I might have been able to repair my relationship with my father if he had ever owned up to it. But no. The last time I talked to him I was in my early 20's. Even then he was still saying that I was too young to understand. Sorry, but those who do not respect my intelligence don't respect me.

[KristinNoelle]

I would have been so ridiculously embarrassed if my parent's divorce played out like this in public. Their divorce was probably just as bad if not worse. The only thing that made it tolerable was the fact that it stayed private.

[janvoght]

this situation and situations resembling these, saddens me to the very depths of my soul. the extreme pain and suffering that some are bound to wish others to, is neither healing nor just! the biggest victims however, remain (sadly enough) to be the poor children, caught in the middle of the tortured loyalty and tremendous love they of course have for both of the people that gave them life. if it was mandatory for lawyers, judges and the like to actually FIRST consider what the child is undoubtedly feeling (even tho sometimes coached to say otherwise) they would set up a protection to keep in tact the empowerment for the child to be free to have their hearts wishes met. the current system does not serve these victims well, and if you were to track the lives of these poor tortured little souls, denied the love of one or other (sometimes both) of the loving people that gave them life, you would witness the depression and the anger they journey thru, some choosing substance abuse, and other self destructive behaviors to numb themselves from the deepest pain you can thrust upon them...blo­cking the unobstructed and free flowing love of the reasons they were brought into this world...th­eir PARENTS. why would anyone want to do that to their most precious creations? are they asleep, as their children are being tortured? is there no empathy for the very people they CLAIM to be protecting?