INTERIOR: THE EXXON-KODAK THEATER
ANGLE ON: THE PRESENTERS
"And the Academy Award for best performance by a leading man goes to Alejandro Khaleed-Gold for his portrayal of "Enemy Combatant #143" in "THE JUGGLER OF GITMO."
PAN AUDIENCE
Applause. Applause. Alejandro Khaleed-Goldfish kisses his wife Myra Goldfish. Accepts hugs. Pulls himself away from the embraces and makes his way down the aisle and up the stage steps to the wispy floor mic.
He accepts his Oscar from the sultry presenter. Steals a kiss. Then, turns to face the cameras.
ALEJANDRO KHALEED-GOLDFISH
"Wow. I can't like, even process this. I just like won a freaking Oscar! This is a far cry from busing tables at the Friendlies in Oneonta. I've got to give a shout out to my boys back there. Save a Fribble for me. YES! Okay. Okay. I'd like to thank the Academy and every body who voted for me. My mom and dad. My fellow cast members, Antonio, Jett, Philo, Jade. I love you all. I know I'm forgetting somebody. Right. Leo. Leo! My captor. Unbelievable. I mean, I thought you were really going to electrocute me. That was like the world's biggest purple-nurple. My nipples still hurt. Oh, and the most brilliant director ever. Satchmo Spielberg. The guy's a freaking genius. I'd like to thank my agent Marty. All my representatives. Lou, Arnie, Melissa. Sy, Morty. You all know who you are. Who am I forgetting? Oh. All my fellow nominees. Jack, Saul, Rodrigo, Clive. I mean, Clive. You were so Dick Cheney. Creepy. Anyway, you are all such an inspiration. Your work is so real. I know I'm forgetting somebody. Okay, so playing Enemy Combatant #143 was the biggest challenge of my career. But all the simulated humiliation and degradation and being away from my heart, my soul, my amazing life partner Myra and our most incredible offspring--Snoop and Osama. Go to bed. It's past your bedtime. Alright. So, everything I did for this role. The weight loss. The hose. The sleeplessness. The constant listening to ABBA. It was all so real. Like I was really at Gitmo. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. The water boarding. That I could've done without. It was really like I was being tortured. Don't laugh, Satchmo. I think you enjoyed shooting those scenes a little too much. But it was all worth it to finally bring to light one of the darkest chapters of our nation's history. I know there were a lot of bad guys back then. It was a messed up time. But, common folks like Enemy Combatant #143, a simple street juggler in Islamabad, were too often grabbed off those dusty streets. Torn away from their friends and families and children and thrust into a dark world of torture and humiliation all in the name of so-called national security. People are like, it can't happen here. Guess what? It did happen here. It happened right before our eyes. How could we not know? Just because your skin was a certain color or your name sounded Muslim.
THE MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY ALEJANDRO OFF
"Wait! No. I know I'm forgetting somebody. My life coach Bobby. My publicist Mohammad. All the folks at Exxon-Mobile-Miramax. The people at Four Seasons Gitmo who let us recreate the feel of the place.
THE MUSIC SWELLS
"No. Wait. I'm not going yet. This is my moment! MY MOMENT! I'm not leaving! I went through all that, that reenactment bull-BLEEP and I'm not just getting played off!
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
"Okay. So, I accept this award for the forgotten people everywhere who's lives are ruined and destroyed because of politics and war and the madness of tyrants and war criminals. America became Nazi Germany. America became Pinochet's Chile. Like the Dalai Lama says, "If you sacrifice freedom for security, you wind up with neither." I think he said that. The thing is, I'm just an actor, but these things happened and if we don't keep our eyes open and value our freedom they might happen again.
THE MUSIC SWELLS
"Okay. Okay. I'm going. Thanks to everybody. I love you all. I know I'm forgetting somebody. I'm forgetting somebody. Oh, yeah. The screenwri--"
CUT TO COMMERCIAL