There's an old joke. What do you call the person who graduates last from medical school? Doctor. Well, I got a new one. What do you call the person who graduates fifth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis? The Republican Party nominee for President. That's right. Senator John McCain actually graduated 894th out of 899 middies at the Naval Academy. Only five other crew cuts achieved less than John McCain did in his class at Annapolis. And he was the son and grandson of U.S. Navy Admirals! He was a legacy, which means they probably had to keep his sorry dumb ass in the Navy!
Now, there are several ways to look at this little tidbit: he didn't want to be there, he hated his father, he was an entitled Navy brat who knew that because of his father's power and position he was never going to be kicked out, he was immature. But, seeing as I'm not a Dr. Phil and due to the staggering lowness of his ranking, I logically must infer something else: This man is dumb. I mean, McHale's Navy dumb. Gomer Pyle dumb. Sit on the TV and watch the couch dumb. Fart into your own telephone to nail a friend dumb. 894 out of 899! That's not "C" student. That's "D" student. If the Navy graded on a curve, maybe even "D-" student. We're talking a "special" kind of dumb. And I mean "special," as in retarded. That's "Run, Forrest, Run" dumb. That's "I enlisted because I didn't want to get drafted." "There is no draft." "There was one?" dumb.
894th! Statistically, he wasn't even in the top of the bottom 1% of his class. Compared to John McCain, George W was a fucking Rhodes Scholar!
I know, "W" ain't supposed to be as dumb as he sounds or looks or acts. So, let's call "W" Animal House dumb. He was Flounder wrapped in Boone's body. A legacy at "Delta Chi" who liked a good road trip and "had no grade point average." So, what kind of dumb does that make John McCain? It makes him "Sweat-hog" dumb! Arnold Horseshack dumb. Signed-by-Epstein's-Mother dumb. Boom Boom Washington dumb. Yes, Senator "Bomb-bomb-bomb-bomb-bomb-Iran" might actually be more Vinnie "Bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-barino."
John McCain might be the original child left behind. He's so glib about not being able to grasp anything to do with the economy. He's so declarative that Al Qaeda is being trained by Iran. He's so forgetful about what he has said about the war.
Well maybe when McCain misspeaks it's not be senility. Maybe it's even worse. He might not be suffering a "senior moment." He might actually be suffering from his shear-dull-as-an-old-butter-knife-flat-lined Stupiditis. 894th out of 899! That's downright Spicoli-esque! And we all know that Spicoli was getting baked out of his gourd.
It got me thinking. When you are ranked 894th out of 899 total students in any class pool you might also think:
- War is what you had on yesterday.
- Sunni is Woody Allen's wife.
- Al Qaeda played Grandpa on The Munsters.
- The Fed was married to Britney.
- Obama sometimes plays in The Cotton Bowl.
- Shiite is something you take in the morning.
- Estate Tax holds down the Estate carpet.
- Minimum wage is something Barbara Walters tries to maintain after somebody cuts her off on the "woad."
- Waterboarding is really great on the North Shore.
- Abu Ghraib is that made up language they spoke on Zoom.
- Lobbying is an effective shot when your opponent rushes net.
- Campaign Finance Reform is when you take the money left over from buying your tent and sleeping bag and fold it into Origami.
894th out of 899!
After the last eight years of entitled stupidity and stupendous incompetence by a likable but belligerent, stubborn legacy with major father issues, can we afford another 40 watt light bulb flickering dimly in the Oval Office? Do any of us really want to live in a country where our president--the leader of the free world--finished 894th out of 899 in anything having to do with rankings of brain power or performance? Stupid is as stupid does. Run, Forrest, Run.