Roger Clemens did not ever take steroids! Nope. Never happened. How do I know?
Well, in an exclusive fabrication, I have a source on the inside. How inside? I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a Huggy bear Hemorrhoid that lived inside Roger Clemens butt. HBH e-mailed me to see if I'd call lend him some scratch. I called him back with my lawyer and taped it! The following is my exclusive transcript of the phone call:
ME: Yo Huggy. What up, Dawg?
H.B.H.: You know. The same old same old. I'm just a zit trying to maintain.
ME: I hear ya. So, is it true?
H.B.H.: Is what true?
ME: That Roger is a cheater.
H.B.H.: Yo. Chill out with the slanderous false accusations, Dude. That just makes me sore...er. Roger Clemens never took no steroids in the butt.
ME: A double negative. He never no... So he did?
HBH: You're trying to trap me.
ME: Look, Huggy. There's a lot of evidence. The Mitchell Report said...
H.B.H.: Don't give me no Mitchell Report bull. That just boils my boil. I was there. I know what got injected into my boy's big Texas double-wide. He took B-12 and Lidocaine. That's it. Vitamins and a local anesthetic and...
ME: And?
H.B.H.: And what? And nothing. That's it.
ME: Huggy, you said AND?
HBH: Alright. You didn't hear it from me, but maybe Roger the Dodger also had a shot or two of vodka. But that's it.
ME: Wait a second. Roger Clemens took shots of vodka in the butt?
HBH: With cranberry juice and a splash of OJ. He'd call it a Mad-ass.
ME: A Madras.
HBH: Yeah. Trust me. That was better than the pine tar. That shit was sticky.
ME: Wait a minute. You're telling me Roger Clemens had pine tar injected into his butt?
HBH: Hey, man. That's what it's like when you're in the bigs. You think he was going to go and tell those other 24 men he wasn't going to go to war with them? You do anything to get an edge. Pine tar. Vodka. The occasional syringe of Gatorade. One time in Boston he had some beefy dude give him a shot of - and this is strange - Manhattan Clam Chowder.
ME: Roger Clemens had Clam Chowder shot in his butt? Are you sure?
HBH: Hell, yeah. I keep up on anything red and fleshy. Manhattan's the red kind, right.
ME: Right.
HBH: In Boston! Now, that is some cold shit. Let's see. I remember tasting some liquid protein powder once. Some WD-40. TANG. Now that shit make you crazy. There was this Chinese dude in Oakland that once hooked him up with some Rhino Horn. You name it. My boy Roger had it shot in his ass. Lemon Pledge. Maple Syrup. Visine. Rocky Road Ice Cream. Just no steroids! Okay? He ain't like that. He ain't no cheater. He's just like any red-blooded American. He just likes to take things in his butt.
ME: Are you willing to say this under oath?
HBH: Hey, brother. I've been under many things, but old Huggy ain't going under oath. Tain't never gonna happen.
ME: Taint never?
HBH: Taint.
ME: But, Huggy. Our nation's pastime hangs in the balance.
HBH: You're starting to piss me off. Don't make me blow my top. Cause it'll get ugly.
ME: Okay. Okay. Sorry.
HBH: It's cool. Look, I got to fly. The heat is on.
ME: Thanks, Huggy. One more thing...
CLICK.