For as long as I've been able to self reflect I can remember there being a battle ground between who I am and who I wish to be.
It's not that I wasn't a decent person or that I was hoping to to achieve some form of status as a "super human", it's more that there have been things I have wanted to say, wanted to do, and a person that I wanted to be and I have always fought to understand whether I should work towards being that person or if it was wrong to be something that I already wasn't.
The moments when who I am and who I want to be have aligned are only a hand full.
Those times have been beautiful though, and I have come to the conclusion that wanting to be something more isn't neglecting who I am but desiring growth.
One of the moments when I was exactly aligned in my desire was nearly five years ago. It was my senior year of high school and I had made a secret pact with myself. I promised that everything I wanted to do and say I would try my best to achieve. That year I experienced things I never had simply because I chose to fill in the spaces between who I was and who I wanted to be. I fought to be the person I wanted and my reward was this feeling that I was living life to the fullest. I expressed my love without fear and I kissed those I had only imagined embracing (sorry mom). I saw musicals and danced like no one was watching and I enrolled myself in every university I actually wanted to go to, rather than the ones I knew I would get into.
I was happy and when the school year had ended I thought that it would be easy going on being that person. I failed to realize that the thing about a desire for growth, is that it is ever changing and always expanding with where you are in life. I had achieved becoming the person I wanted but as I learned and lived I desired to grow further.
Now, I find myself in a stomp. I am considering once again who I truly am and how I would like to live and impact the world around me. I am not the person I want to be, but I am glad because realizing this means I have a desire for growth and this could never be a bad thing.