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Alena Dillon

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The Warning Label That Should Be On Lululemon Yoga Pants

Posted: 11/10/2013 2:45 pm

"...Women will wear seatbelts that don't work [with the pants], or they'll wear a purse that doesn't work, or quite frankly some women's bodies just actually don't work for it." --Chip Wilson, founder of Lululemon, on why the brand's yoga pants are too sheer or pill.

WARNING:

Hand wash in room-temperature sparkling water only. Mineral water is okay in a pinch but, my god, never tap. Do not iron. Only the finest threads were used to craft this achievement of athletic wear and they are too delicate for heat (polyester, nylon, and lycra may sound ordinary to you, but when said in our air of superiority, our fibers of artisanship sound nothing short of musical). Do not wear these pants if the weather forecast includes the word blustery. Do not wear these pants if you are currently reading this label -- that would mean a foreign object punctured the finicky material and the item is now a ticking time bomb of decomposition. Do not store these pants among inferior articles of clothing, and only in Brazilian rosewood dressers -- I mean, come on, where do you think these gems were constructed? China?? (Okay, yes. It was China.) Do not wear if you had or plan to have a big lunch. Do not wear these pants if you make less than $60,000 a year (single income). Do not wear if the day's schedule may require you to bend or lunge or squat... or breathe. Do not wear if you buckle your seatbelt. [Author's note: That one's real.] Do not wear these pants if you are too thin. Your body spoils the seams; they forget how to pull together and, untrained, may split upon your next exasperated sigh (a sigh which may result when the bill from the Visa card used to purchase these pants arrives finally in your inbox). Do not wear these pants if you are too curvy; your body pressures the pants to perform the responsibility of being pants, when really they aren't much more than status symbols. Think of us as the Goldilocks of the clothing industry: we're only suitable for bodies that are juuust right. Do not wear while operating heavy machinery. Do not wear these pants when sitting down. Do not wear these pants if you plan on practicing yoga (our term "yoga pants" is really meant to capture a mentality more than advertise a function). Do not wear these pants in high altitudes. Do not wear them with bad attitudes. Do not wear them in the rain. Do not wear them on a train (please see Green Eggs and Ham for a complete list).

You know what? Just... do not wear them.

 

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