THE BLOG

How to Be the Best Bride Ever

04/15/2015 03:41 pm ET | Updated Jun 14, 2015

2015-04-15-1429059942-9691533-wedding2.jpg

You're getting married! When it comes to planning this wedding, remember that you got this. After all, what could possibly be stressful for a bride-to-be? Sure, there are lots of decisions, but it's nothing you can't handle.

Just follow these simple guidelines explaining how to be the best bride, EVER:

First, remember that you don't have to include everyone in your ceremony. It's your day! You and your spouse are the only two people you have to make happy, and don't ever forget that. But also, don't forget to include your great Aunt Martha in the candle lighting portion, or else she'll hold a grudge for all eternity and you'll give your mother a coronary. Of course, then you'll have to honor someone on your future husband's side too, because playing favorites would make you look bad. (It's etiquette, right? You don't want to be a rude bride.)

DON'T be a bridezilla. Because you know how everyone hates those types. Laid back is key. But don't be too laid back, because people need to know what's going on. And you know the only thing worse than a bridezilla, right? A bride-chilla. Bridechillas are a total nightmare, and their ambivalence drives people just as insane. Don't get it twisted.

You can save money by booking your wedding on a holiday weekend, so look into those options! But don't actually choose a holiday weekend because you will ruin everyone's vacation plans and people will hate you forever.

For makeup, go with airbrushing, all the way. But not if you're a crier - if that's the case, go with regular application. But air brushing is best, so don't cry about it, okay?

When it comes to bridesmaid dresses, don't sweat it too much! You've got great taste, girlfriend, and they will LOVE what you pick. Just don't make it too sparkly. Or too heavy (helloooooo, sweat-fest). Or too short, or too long. Or too pink, because everyone knows pink makes Taylor look jaundice. And you don't want to piss off Taylor on your big day, because if she isn't happy with how she looks she will be a total bitch and will ruin everything.

Be good to your vendors. Don't micromanage them, trust them to do the job you hired them to do. Don't pester them. But remember to call them to check in because if they forget to do the things you outlined in your contract, it will be your fault and they won't give any refunds or take accountability. But lay off 'em, okay?

Don't bring a ton of people with you to shop for your dress. Too many opinions will confuse you, so just take your nearest and dearest! No more than two. But if your mom comes, you should also ask your soon-to-be mother-in-law, because you don't want her to feel left out. And you should ask your sister-in-law too because if you don't you'll look like a jerk. And you don't want to offend anyone, right? You should also take your grandmother, godmother, and kindergarten room mother because you're not an asshole who leaves people out. You can rent a party bus to get everyone there! It's not like you have a budget or anything. But overall, keep it simple.

You can DIY your whole wedding, so put a little hustle into it and save yourself some money. The options are endless, so get crafty! But don't get too caught up in DIY, because who do you think you are, Martha effing Stewart? And stay away from Pinterest, because it will make you insane. But DIY, all the way!

Let your bridesmaids and maid of honor plan your shower and bachelorette party. They've done this before so don't be so "type A" about everything. Let loose, for cryin' out loud! But not too loose, because you'll need to stay sober enough to take care of Hot Mess Michelle. She is your responsibility after all, because this is your event.

Make sure you EAT the food. Don't be that bride who never sits down to eat the food! You will sit down to enjoy your dinner, and you will savor that shit, because you paid for it. So, during your dress fittings, make sure you can sit comfortably. But if you can't sit down in your dress don't worry, because it is too damn beautiful to worry about minor details like sitting, and eating and breathing, so suck it in, and suck it up! Who cares if you pass out?! Food isn't that important on your wedding day, anyway.

Your reception site makes great food, so at least you won't have to sweat the menu. Just call and confirm that they have paleo vegetarian tofurkey wrapped in bacon with gluten-free sauce for your cousin Seth, and also that it doesn't have nuts or dairy, because we all know that the last time he had dairy he didn't produce a bowel movement for three weeks. And he KNOWS it's because that lazy waiter lied to him. Don't be a thoughtless monster. Give Cousin Seth options.

Don't sweat it when it comes to organizing the seating chart. It's really easy to do! Just make sure your second cousin's family is seated far away from your first cousin's family, because they stopped talking twenty years ago. And don't seat your husband's Cousin Mitchell too close to the band because his hearing is sensitive. Or too close to your friends, either, because they still feel creeped out over what he did at your engagement party. Oh, and Great Aunt Margaret can't sit near any air vents because she gets cold. Aunt Nancy called to tell you that Cousin John is bringing a guest. Scratch that; they broke up. Wait - now they're back on. This doesn't mess you up, right?

Flowers are totally your territory, so have fun with this one! Just don't pick centerpieces that sit too low on the table, or else people can't see each other and they won't converse properly, which will throw the whole vibe of your party and ruin all your hard work. Not too high, either, because someone is bound to knock it over and cause a scene. And no lilies, because they aggravate Aunt Josie's allergies.

If you have family in the business, take heed: family and business don't mix very well. Better to use other options and let your family enjoy themselves at your event. But not asking is offensive, because they'll be expecting you to use them, so you should probably just go ahead and ask. But don't ask for a discount, because that's rude, and you shouldn't expect things. But shouldn't they give you a discount? I mean, they are family.

Be resourceful and conservative. Ask yourself, when debating on whether or not to splurge: Do I really need this? But loosen up those wallet strings and splurge, for god's sake, because you're only going to do this once!

On second thought, disregard everything I said. Because sure, you can try to do your best to accommodate everyone's needs. You can also stand twenty feet from a wall, run straight at it headfirst, and repeat this process until you bust through the sheetrock. The end result will be the same. My best advice? You're the bride. You're the one saying "I do". But first, do you.

And when it comes to that seating chart, do yourself a favor: Get yourself nice and tipsy, write down everyone's name on a card, play "fifty-two card pickup" and just seat them where they land. (You'll have better odds of getting it right with that method, anyway.)

If you are getting married or know a bride-to-be, check out Alessandra's book: "The Bitch's Bridal Bible: The Must-Have, Real- Deal Guide for Brides," available on Amazon and Kindle. You can also find Alessandra at her blog, PunkWife, and on Facebook and Twitter.
2014-12-16-cover_sidebar_bitchsbridalbible.jpg
Alessandra is currently working on a cookbook filled with healthy, fresh and easy recipes for babies that the whole family can enjoy (because really, who wants to cook twice?). If you'd like to get on that mailing list, you can do so here: What a Good Eater.