The Dos and Don'ts of Job Interviews

Going on a job interview is like going on the worst first date ever. You have to be able to answer questions without revealing anything bad about yourself, while insuring your doubletalk sounds sincere. (It's unlike a first date in that you cannot expect sex at the end, unless you are interviewing for a porno.)

In this era of extreme unemployment, an applicant must be fully armed before tangling with the toughest of foes: An HR representative. Hopefully the following post will help you understand the 'dos' and 'do not dos' of job interviews.

Question: What is your greatest weakness?

Right Answer: I don't ask for help when I should. I take on a lot, and always finish what I start, but not without all-nighters and self-imposed pressure.

Wrong Answer: I don't work well with others. I drink a lot on Thursday night, so I'm pretty much useless on Fridays. I get overwhelmed easily, which leads to inappropriate emotional displays in the workplace. Oh, and I used to wet my bed, which left me scarred and unable to make eye contact when I have to relieve myself.

Question: Why did you leave your last job?

Right Answer: I loved my coworkers; we were like family. But you can't stay in a situation that doesn't challenge you to the fullest. I think your organization will be a better fit--one that will allow me to live up to my full potential, and I look forward to forging new friendships.

Wrong Answer: I slept with everyone at my last workplace and it got really uncomfortable near the end. My boss was an ass whom I mocked mercilessly when out of earshot. The most stimulating part of my day was online shopping.

Question: What do you do in your spare time?

Right Answer: I read to the blind once a week, train for triathalons, and spend a lot of time with my family.

Wrong Answer: I can tell you the names of every "Big Brother" contestant in the past 10 years.

Question: Why are you interested in this position?

Right Answer: I've always wanted to be in______, but I needed to try other professions to make sure I was fully committed to it. I have a strong interest in _______, which will serve me well in this position and the skills I've developed in my past positions will be invaluable when taking on this new challenge.

Wrong Answer: I'm not really. I'm making more money now collecting unemployment than I did at my last job, but my parents threatened to stop paying my rent if I didn't find a job. This seemed like the least offensive of all my possibilities.

(I originally wrote a version of this piece for "Save the Assistants.")

Follow Alex Leo on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HuffPostComedy

Comments

[NickCooper1976]

Does this apply to internships? It seems that with all the jobs disappearing and the companies failing, internships are on the up. but then people have to work just as hard to get the job and they don't get paid. Madness! Anyway, here's some light relief:
http://thestupidtimes.blogspot.com/2009/04/geithners-internship-draws-to-close.html

[peterg76]

HR has as its priority to hire employees who will create the least amount of work for HR. In creative industries they usually the get the complete opposite of what the business genuinely needs.

[wolfmanman]

Q: "What is your greatest weakness?" A: "I'm deathly allergic to bees." --- That answer has been a winner in almost every job I've interviewed for, save for that apiarist position. Wasn't thinking ahead on that one.

[BlueChip]

Sorry for the double post.

[BlueChip]

You forgot my favorite, "Will you be happy with the huge pay cut we are offering?"
Right answer: Times are tough, I realize I may not be able to earn what I have in the past.
Wrong answer: Yes of course, I've been dreaming of getting a big pay cut, less vacation time, and fewer benefits.

[flatus]

"Will you be happy with the huge pay cut we are offering?"

Wrong answer: "I dunno. Will YOU be happy with my equivalent reduction in work?"

[BlueChip]

You left off my favorite, "Are you going to be happy taking the huge pay cut we're offering?"
Right Answer: Times are tough and I have adjusted my expectations.
Wrong Answer: Oh yes, I've been dreaming of a huge paycut, why not cut the salary another 10%.

[oncethere]

Very funny. If I make it to the end of the interview without Security being called to escort me out, I consider it a successful interview. Most of the times, I just feel like an alien interviewing with strangers, having no idea what to say or do. I don't think it would be helpful to cite my resentment of being used, in Marx's words, as an instrument of labor power.

[Pippen]

Corporate America is alot more corrupt than that analogy. The analogy you've offered is what people THINK is happening. It's not.

1.) HR has been told to hire x number of minorities by a certain date. You could be a serial killer but your a minority on X date and interview BINGO you get the job. Also if your being supported by an executive who is black, they call and TELL someone to hire So-and-So etc.. and they get the job.

2.) More often than not they were instrumental in seeing too it that the last head cut was conducted without arguement from the cuttees.

3.) HR interviews are a facade. Often you get some wanna-be college grad who thinks they are about to become Martha Stewart of corporate promotion, meantime the last job they held was some cushy family thing where they do nothing all day. They are quickly brought to zeikheil the HR directors actions or get canned.

The answers you give mean nothing. If you think one off beat answer is going to sway HR or the executive philosophy from deviation as they pour over an auditing eye of scrutiny over your plastic responses your last job was probably at a cushy family thing where you did nothing.

If you actually had to perform a real job, the engineers themselves would be involved and trust me when I say there's a reason why the jobs vacant.

[Emma Ruby-Sachs - Huffpost Blogger]

Brilliant! The art of doubletalk, so necessary, has never had such a clear teacher. You will be the downfall of every HR staffer!