This just in from our on-site millennial team: In a non-described, newly gentrified neighborhood in an unspecific up-and-coming city near some relevant body of water, we report that, to what seems to be surprising to zero people:
No one gives a shit about your new start-up.
A significantly annoying number of "who cares" start-ups have made their ways into cities across America, bringing 20somethings together to celebrate the creation of a company culture sponsored by Kickstarter and Nick's Ping Pong tables.
This cultural phenomenon, more influenced by the culture itself than the drive of company progression, has lead to a 250% rise in sales of craft beer taps, convertible fooze ball tables, and gastro-inspired interior furniture in just the past five minutes alone. However, these organizations were also met with a steep 250% loss in company revenue, due to overly grand purchases of craft beer taps, convertible fooze ball tables, and gastro-inspired interior furniture.
In a recent poll performed five minutes ago, 100 haters were asked just how many shits they gave when it came to these pop-up companies:
"Zero"
"Couldn't care less"
"Those Harvard grads should go get a real job"
"I'm a dog. Why are you asking me?"
Our field reporter James sat down with Mike, a typical start-up ne'er-do-well living in a $1200-a-month cardboard box next to a landing strip at the Oakland airport, to talk about his shitty start-up and how much he's growing by exponentially losing all funding, and all contacts and business partners for that matter:
"Well, when I realized how heavy the market demand was for stolen coding systems to mass produce interior generated--
"Mike, I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm sorry, but I couldn't give fewer shits."
We understand that might have been difficult to read. But we have just received an update that Mike's unnamed start-up has officially filed for inevitable bankruptcy, and he has been ordered to return all medicine balls that the entire 4-employee company was using as chairs to Big 5 Sporting Goods.
These shitty start-ups that people continue to not care about have also has an affect among partner attraction. There seems to be a direct correlation between shitty start-ups and the inability of their employees to obtain mating partners. In a recent study, we found that there is literally nothing less attractive than offering a girl a beer that you "brewed yourself at the office" that sits above a pizza parlor with a serious asbestos problem.
Karen, a real woman with a real job, tells us that her last two relationships ended when both partners broke the news that they planned to leave their credible and fully insured jobs in order to pursue new company dreams that literally no one believed in. To this day, she reports that all those non-believers continue to non-believe, and furthermore, not give a shit:
"Ya I new those wouldn't go anywhere from the start. And I feel truly blessed to know that I'm doing much better than them and no longer have to pretend to care when I explain what they do to friends with real jobs."
At a party our news team crashed at an ostentatious studio overlooking the Williamsburg Bridge, we found that the Chase bank-employed Devin only invited his fallen-behind college friends because their fourth attempt at an organic clothing boutique start-up was, once again, bought out by a 21-Flavors fro-yo shop that wanted the space:
"They didn't even get gift certificates to the new fro-yo store. Their start-up was just that shitty."
Concluding reports have shown that nine out of ten start-ups will die within the first year. And because Venmo, Nasty Gal, and Uber have bought the rights to that one redeeming start-up for the next ten years, you're new start-up will fail. Don't worry. We already know it's shitty.