Negotiations, Utopia and Martians

Life is one big negotiation. Sometimes that involves compromise. Sometimes that involves spending time with people whom you don't like but for various reasons you're stuck with them.

What is it about negotiation that makes people so uncomfortable? Fear of the unknown, and anger that life isn't as comfortable and neat and tidy as one would like. Certainly I feel that way. These days if I can't find my shoes, I have an internal tantrum. Luckily I have a husband and two boys who keep me from killing people in the street. So far.

Earlier in the week I watched a group of employment-seekers squirm and turn purple during a salary negotiation strategy session. It was interesting watching people valiantly try not to turn the class into a diatribe about what was wrong with their last job and how they will never find another one. One guy was a 25 year investment banker with one company - he's never written a resume in his life nor had he ever negotiated anything more than his bonus. Another woman wanted to spell out in her salary negotiation that she wouldn't have to work past a certain hour. Yet another thought that it would be better to hire a middle man to do the negotiation for her. Have we really reached the stage we need to outsource our own salary negotiations? Call me crazy but I don't trust anyone but myself to close a deal.

Part of being a grownup is tolerating people you really, really don't care for. When I was about François' age, my parents told me that it's fine (and frankly more honest) to admit that you don't like someone and think they're idiots. It's not, however, necessary to rub their noses in it. Whether your workplace is a corporate office, a store, a film set or a landfill, you will likely encounter different personalities. Some of these people you may love - that's when going to work every day is easy and joyful. In my last job I either immediately or eventually took to everyone and relationships were mostly smooth, even during the crazy holiday season when retail is on fire. Would that all experiences were like that, but then we'd all be living in Utopia and brushing each others' hair. Sometimes you will work with people who, for one reason or another, irritate the living bejesus out of you. So what do you do when you have to spend time with people who annoy you and won't or can't go away?

1) First off, work to restore, repair or improve the relationship. It really is the best choice. Do your part to be cordial, and try to find out what is bothering them to ascertain whether it's a valid point. If they do have a valid point, make amends. If they do not, proceed step two.

2) Keep annoying people busy and/or happy with whatever it is that makes them tick, in order to keep them out of your hair. If you work together, throw tasks at them, or keep them constantly supplied with your output.

3) Try to minimize time you have to spend with wackos. If you work with them, keep discussions short and business-related. If they are frenemies, simply avoid them. Decline all invitations unless someone puts a gun to your head. If it means you are out and about less, so what?

4) If they try to compete with you, don't engage. Lots of people in this world like to compete. I certainly do. I like to compete when there's an obvious prize (a raise, a tangible benefit, etc.) Some people are easily bored and like to compete for less obvious reasons - popularity contests spring to mind. There's nothing I like less than a group of people falling over themselves to impress a boss. Certainly you need to put yourself out there far enough that the boss can see the quality of your work, but jockeying for respect among equals is a wasted exercise.

When all else fails, find a way of blowing off steam. For some people, that's a therapist. For me, that's my husband or it's simply sitting down with my thoughts and processing. I'm a big believer in either solving your own problems or recognizing that they don't need to be solved. Life is messy. Realize that the insane person in your life was always that way, and if he or she really thinks that you come from Mars, after one or two attempts to change their mind, it's simply not going to happen. Don't turn into a Martian to appease them. If you can't avoid them and are feeling mischievous, entertain yourself by doing things you know will annoy them! Push those buttons merrily and unapologetically! On second thought, that's strictly social - don't try that at work.

This week I had a great couple of job interviews. It's exciting to have a conversation with someone who has a need that lines up with your abilities. Where it goes from here I don't know yet, but talking with people who have passions for work as strong as yours is at the very least, inspiring. At most, it's a potential new beginning.

Comments

[cloudminder]

and here are some more clips that might also help folks in the workplace:

http://bullyinginstitute.org/audiovideo/video.html

[TRYKER]

That was a great post Alex, enjoyed it. I read a lot between the lines and will watch your future on the show as you demonstrate your techniques.
Yes, it has become clearer that you all were thrown together by some casting director and weren't BFF's before. So far, you've handled each one with elan.
You have impressed me as the one that hasn't fallen for the bait and played the stab in the back game. Simon is handling it well too...exce­pt for the last show where he acted like some Jr. Hi kid who still slept with his mother....­ohhh waaaaa stomp stomp, someone ruined his surprise.
Ferchrissakes Simon, you usually handle things with much more maturity. It could be a sensitivity to the effects of alcohol, something to avoid when on camera. Maybe he'll see the discomfort he caused you with his ranting, and cease in the future.
I want to see your remodeling job, wish they'd show it, no matter what stage. We aren't all snobs that think living there is some unacceptable hassle.

[onlyred]

Quite amusing and very true - great post!

In my last company, my one female co-worker was hired after I was. She was the most obnoxious, lazy, rude and slutty person I had ever met in my life. I was flabbergasted when her doings became common knowledge and were not only accepted, but defended. She spent her time trying to make me look bad and we ended up in several outright arguments.

It became clear to me that she was not going to be held accountable for her actions (and inactions), and that I was going to look like a problem child, so I began to amuse myself with a game of "pretend to like her". She thought we were "good" friends for over a year.

This game continued until the day I was laid off. She once again "got me" and filed an improper statement with the unemployment commission, delaying my unemployment for FOUR MONTHS. In turn I haven't made one call to her phone, nor sent one email in her inbox.

Now I'm free of the mental stress, the constant checking my back for errant knives, and the daily cry-fests regarding the latest person to hurt her feelings. After all this time without a job, I can say I'm finally stress-free for the first time since the day she started working there. :-)

[cloudminder]

this might be helpful to you:

http://dss17.streamhoster.com/workdoctor/NamieTVClips.mov

[cloudminder]

question:
Simon said in his blog that he had contacted your boss in Ohio to ask for you to be let out of work early and you said that your workday was hellacious (on the day of your birthday surprise)-- did Simon's request cause your boss to be angry with you or were they unrelated?

also, there is something to be said about hostile workplaces - where co-workers actively attempt to take away another co-workers livelihood because of a mob mentality and workplace bullying-- it is a complicated topic and many of the behaviors are present on your show - you should expand on this topic -- it can be exhausting -- but so many people are living with this problem in their workplace and they are also seeing it happen with school age children-- it could be a great topic for you and many others to write or blog or talk about...

I used to work with someone who was an Ann Coulter type - but with curly black hair, she was a miserable person and wanted to inflict it on everyone around her --subordinates and laterally, and she attempted to usurp upper management and it was all tolerated in a very hostile environment. i got out, and then many others also got out and now they are working with a small crew and have no funding for filling our now vacant positions-- which means the entire enterprise suffers -- all because of weak management.