When a woman faces erectile dysfunction in her partner, her number one fear is usually "he's just not that into me." Guess what? It's time to stop taking it personally.
Erectile dysfunction or an inability to maintain an erection can be quite an obstacle in the bedroom. More and more men seem to be showing up in my Los Angeles sex therapy/sex addiction practice with anxiety-based erectile dysfunction. Men as young as 30, in peak physical condition, are telling me how they've become dependent on a Viagra regimen in order to keep it up. As I work with these cases of mind vs. body (because that's often the case in anxiety based sexual dysfunction), I begin to hear stories about their female partners and how they take it when their partner's flag drops below half-mast. The number one assumption among these women seems to be: He must not be attracted to me.
Does this resonate with you? Have you found yourself ready for action, only to find that he's lost his enthusiasm? Chances are it has happened to you, or your best friend or your friend's friend. So what do you attribute it to? If you are like most people, the message you internalize is: I'm not sexy/attractive/good/fill-in-the-blank enough. We all have self doubt, and when we encounter an experience that could potentially give credence to our negative self talk, it's tempting to grab hold of the evidence and run with it. But I beg of you, for the sake of your self esteem and your relationship, don't go there.
Are you familiar with the spirituality 101 book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? The second agreement states, "Don't take anything personally." This could not be more applicable than in the case of erectile dysfunction. There are many reasons he might lose his erection including stress, diet, exercise, sleep, alcohol consumption and smoking, just to name a few. But if he's lost it once, the fear then becomes what if this happens every time? What if I can never again get it up or keep it up? For men, struggling with ED is like getting stuck with a bad song on repeat, continuously reiterating all of his worst nightmares about himself and his manhood. This ongoing loop of negativity becomes all he can focus on, isolating him in a black cloud of his thoughts. At this point, you could be Angelina Jolie in a negligee, but if he is in the throes of his ED, he'll be too wrapped up in his destructive thinking to notice. While the original loss of his erection was most likely due to one of the above factors, his anxiety is now running the show, further preventing him from getting or being able to keep his erection.
In the event that you just can't help yourself and you do take it personally, then consider this: while it's tempting to go to the head space of he lost his erection because he's just not that into you, frankly, it's more likely that the opposite is true. He lost his erection because he is that into you -- and it probably scares the crap out of him. Anxiety-based erectile dysfunction is exactly that -- anxiety-based. Anxiety around intimacy, anxiety around performance and anxiety around pleasing a partner are all signs that you are important to him, you mean something to him and he has fears or concerns that he might let you down in some way. Do these sound like the sentiments of someone who is 'just not that into you'? Didn't think so.
The next time your sack session is interrupted due to erectile dysfunction, remember: It's much more about him than it is about you.
Follow Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sexaddexpert
I think it is overwhelmingly porn related, unless it is due to underlying medical issues such as HBP, diabetes, medications, stress, etc But a young physically fit male has probably been over exposed to porn. That would be my guess.
I doubt many men (myself included) suffer anxiety when we are about to get laid. Just being honest here.
Maybe your patients have sex deprivation based ED? Seriously. Since so many men are undersexed and/or celibate (usually involuntarily), maybe research should look deeper into this as a possible factor. Sex does require practice. And we know, practice makes perfect!
From http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,993158,00.html :
"At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. "This is clearly related to the Internet," says Richard Barry, president of the association. "Pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago." "
"The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction."
In the era of porn magazines, there wasn't much room for escalation, but with the internet and its endless possibilities, men escalate to progressively more graphic stuff.
I am very picky, really. I need somebody between 5'7 and 5'11, preferably. Rib eye steak type of body, if you know what I mean. Nice skin, teeth (I know she's not a horse but still..) Must look good dressed/undressed. I am not going to F just anybody.
But seriously. If a girl has tats, trashy, talks dirty and etc., it's just a huge turn off. On the contrary, shy, educated, polite, into it with moderately loud emotions-that's a girl I like. If I have time and want to watch some porn, I go through tenth of clips before I find something decent at best. Porn has no negative effect on me whatsoever. Doesn't escalate me to anything.
- Eddie Green
A hard man is good to find.
- Mae West
Now, excuse me, I have to disembark from my thought because my EF is fully engaged.
I believe ED, especially in men over 35, is more attributed to stress, medication and health. I used to take Adderall and talk about ED! It can cause it in mid-stream or worse, you get up and off in less than a minute. I stopped taking that quickly. Medications also effect eferyone diffreently too. I am sure their is a high correlation between men with ED under the age of 50 and the types of medications & amounts of stress they endure. if you are married with children and between 40 - 50, there is no more stressful time in one's life than that period; money, education, mortgages etc. Our bodies and minds are complex and most of us take them for granted. The porn argument does not hold in my book.
Lol, that's probably because they have the ability to get an erection ;P
You are right on the anxiety issue, though.
I theoretically acknowledge the possibility of nervousness or anxiety or whatever, but I can't understand it. Presumably it's different with hookups or whatever, but a man with his own wife? You're in bed together again, finally; you're already winning, the difficult part is over! It's like slaving all afternoon over a hot stove, then finally sitting down to dinner.
Any time a young, healthy man has ED, it should definitely be a warning sign of trouble. A man with a once healthy sexual libido toward a loving partner that suddenly falters is most likely suffering from something more serious than just assuming that he is ruminating over a single failure to get it up.
Yes, there could be physical or psychological issues that a young man could have, but they should be explored with the proper professionals. But, in the majority of cases, these men have become habituated to porn and cannot function with their loving and very willing partners because they just don't live up to the erotic overload available on their computers.
JoAnn
http://marriedtoasexaddict.com
Anyway, I don't believe things are that different than they ever were (except the porn issue), such that inability to perform by the man is anywhere near as much as a problem for most couples as is her lack of willingness to perform.