It's vital for mindful acts of emotional and spiritual intimacy to steadily develop as a daily practice for healthy sex. To that end, Center for Healthy Sex has created daily meditations to help you reach your sexual and relational potential. (You can subscribe for free here.)
Even momentarily concentrating on healthy solutions rewires psychological patterns to receive and share healthy sexual love in the present. Here are three meditations with the themes of brain power, demonstration, and emotional intimacy for you to ponder and practice this week.
Meditation 1: Brain Power
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the 'Four Fs': fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating." -- Marvin Dunnette
We've all heard the phrase, "use it or lose it," and this phrase couldn't be more accurate for how we use our brains and our genitals. The hypothalamus is one of the major connectors between the brain and the body, motivating us to all kinds of actions, including sex. This is, in part, why our brain is often referred to as the biggest sex organ in the body. When we see an image or person that's arousing to our sexual template, signals go through the hypothalamus down to the genitals. Long after we've taken in the data, seconds, even minutes have passed before the genitals are aroused. Exercising discretion about what images we take in and what sexual situations we get into can depend on whether we're using our "brain power" or being run by our genital power. With good brain power (or impulse control) you can enjoy beauty and sexuality all day long without overtaxing or abusing your brain/body.
While letting the mind run rampant with any number of sexual images can create sexual problems, depriving oneself of sexual energy and attraction can sometimes create another kind of sexual problem. If we don't use our genitals, meaning if we don't have healthy sexual contact on a regular basis for the purpose of pleasure and connection with a lover, it can take longer for us to get interested in and aroused by sex. Remember, your body is your temple, don't deny yourself pleasure -- use it, or lose it.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Are you overtaxing your brain/body by looking at too many pornographic images or masturbating compulsively? Are there other ways you let your arousal run you instead of using your brain power?
- Be honest with yourself by looking at your sexual habits and assess whether you're out of control with sexual behaviors.
- Do you deny yourself sexual pleasure? If so, why? When did that begin? Do you need to share your excuses or fears with someone? Do so today.
Meditation 2: Demonstration
"If I've told someone I love her and have not demonstrated my love with fidelity and care and long-term commitment, then in the end, my talk of love matters little." -- David Lozell Martin
Freedom of expression gives us the right to take to the streets to demonstrate our passion about any concern we have. When we "walk the talk," it means that we're getting on our feet and doing something about what matters to us. In other words, we prove our desire to make change happen by showing the people around us that we mean business. When you're recovering from an addiction, you have to earn back the trust of friends and family members by taking concrete actions that they can see. When you're living in a love relationship, you have to hold up your end of the bargain by actively participating in the relationship. How many times have we heard the phrase "walk the talk" and taken it for granted? Love isn't just what we say, love is what we do.
For example, cooking a meal for someone is an act of love, an expression and outpouring of creativity and energy that takes time and effort. A delicious meal is the physical manifestation of the cook's heart, a way of physically showing how much you mean to them. Often, your appreciation is expressed by way of sensuous moans as you savor the tastes, texture, and temperature of the delicious morsels. Your verbal demonstrations are a reciprocation of how grateful you are that someone went to the trouble to give to you so generously.
Ravenously devouring your lover is clearly a demonstration of your desire to merge, to create a mystical third, and to reach Nirvana. But on a daily basis, demonstration can come in the most mundane acts, like appearing at your lover's bedside with a morning cup of coffee or tea, or running an errand for them because you know they can't tend to it. Every demonstration counts -- don't get lazy or take your partner for granted. Walk your talk.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Demonstrate your love for someone today with a small gesture.
- Do something anonymously for a coworker, neighbor, or other friendly acquaintance.
- Make a grand display for your partner that you're sincerely connected to, have fun with it.
Meditation 3: Emotional Intimacy
"They enveloped each other within the folds of their thoughts, holding each other with an intimacy no physical embrace could replicate." -- Christopher Paolini
The word intimacy is often described as "into me see" so as to make the direct point that intimacy begins with knowing the intricate nooks and crannies of oneself. Thus, by knowing yourself well, you can then really "see" or know another. But emotional intimacy requires a bigger risk, a willingness to traverse the corners of one's own personal reality, which means an earnest commitment to recognize and track bodily-based feelings.
Repeatedly feeling unsafe in a family can have a child "leaving" his/her body, or dissociating, as a way to survive. The process of dissociation is an elegant mechanism built into the system as a form of escape, sometimes from going crazy. The problem with checking out so thoroughly is that it can leave us feeling dead inside with little to no ability to feel our feelings in our bodies. The process of repair demands an association with the body, a commitment to dive into the body and feel today what we couldn't feel yesterday because it was too dangerous then.
Connecting your bodily-based feelings really allows you to "see" inside yourself. How many times have you had a "gut" feeling, felt tight in your chest when you knew something bad was happening or going to happen, or felt "butterflies" in your stomach? All of these are your reality, which is different than what you think is going on. Connecting with another from this deep place inside you where your truth and reality reside is where emotional intimacy begins. Communicating your deepest feelings by risking being known, fear and all, will have you feeling closer and more in love with your partner than you can imagine. When the body speaks the truth, you're in your center, and it's from that place that you can love and be loved.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Take a moment to check in with your body. Notice what you're feeling even if you feel "nothing." Where is the numb or empty feeling? Is it in the center of your being? If so, does it have a size, shape, temperature to it? See if you can dive into it and become it. How does that inform you? Pay attention to any images or other bodily-based feelings that come up.
- Give a voice to the feelings in your body. If your gut could speak, what would it say?
- Get a sheet of paper and draw whatever feelings or non-feelings you encounter and don't worry about what your drawing means. Share it with another.
For more by Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.