A B$%#h-Slap* of Truth or: How to Speak Politely with Republicans
*From Webster's New Millennium Dictionary of English, meaning "to slap someone with an open hand, esp. in an attempt to put them in their place or cause humiliation." An unfortunate term, but you'll see it's the most accurate one in this case. Before the accusations of misogyny fill the comments, please know that I'd sooner perish than strike a woman, and that I was--Scout's honor--slapped twice this past weekend by one. So, on with the essay.
Remember when you were a kid and some jerk first told you that Santa wasn't real? Or maybe, in your case, it was the tooth fairy?
For me, the first truly shocking revelation came when the gold chain wearing, Marlboro smoking, tattooed kindergartner (okay, I'm exaggerating slightly... we were at least in the second grade) Vince T. cornered me in the playground and proclaimed that Lion-O the Thundercat wasn't real.
Remember your reaction when you first learned that something you'd believed your whole life was wrong? For some of you, it may have been tears (you are now likely working in the non-profit sector), for some of you disbelief (you are now likely Richard S. Fuld). Or, if you were like me, it was anger. Pure, seething hatred. It felt like Vince T. had just smacked me in the face for no good reason. Which, in turn, led my hand to uncontrollably flailing out and b***h-slapping him right back.
Which, in turn, led to Vince T. making me eat mulch.
I was reminded of this the other day when I received an email response to my previous article, in which a friend and self-proclaimed "big Republican" defended Sarah Palin. Specifically, by comparing Ms. Palin to Theodore Roosevelt, due to their mutually short tenures as governor before being nominated to the vice presidency.
To those of you who just sprayed coffee all over your computer monitor, pets, or loved ones, I apologize. But I swear, my friend actually compared the first American winner of the Nobel Peace Prize with the winner of Miss Wasilla. I responded with an encyclopedic list of TR's accomplishments -- which I'm sure I don't have to catalog here -- before McKinley put him on the Republican ticket, then reminded her she ought to think twice before reducing one of our greatest Presidents' innumerable achievements to a few years in office and a love of hunting.
She deemed my response a "typical knee-jerk liberal reaction." Which, to me, is like telling the English teacher who corrects you in front of the class that it's pronounced "Heimlich maneuver" not "Heineken manure" she's a stupid ass-face and you hate her, then running out of the room, tears streaming, and spending the rest of the period hiding in the bathroom carving mildly pornographic graffiti in the stall.
Upon reflection, however, I realized something important: nobody likes finding out a deeply held belief is wrong, including Republicans. And that usually we greet that new, correct information much in the way the Kubler-Ross model -- reverse referenced in Ellis Weiner's article last weekend -- predicts how we deal with grief: first denial ("McCain is a maverick!"); then anger ("At least he's not some elitist smarty-pants!"); bargaining ("Well, he supported the surge, and that's going pretty well..."); depression ("Oh God, bin Laden's still out there, thousands of Americans have been killed in Iraq, I'm about to lose my house, and McCain's positions are becoming more like Bush's every day... where'd we put those razor blades, honey?"); and, finally, acceptance ("Obama-Biden '08!").
And, for all you cynics, that last stage does happen. One of my closest friends was just telling me of his Greenwich, Connecticut grandfather (cue the Masterpiece Theater theme, Chihuahua collars that cost more than my yearly rent, and the annual matchbox jump competition) who's voted Republican his entire life, but is finally putting his Gucci loafered foot down to say "enough!" Yes, he's voting for Barack Obama.
So, tell your Republican friends that it's okay. That they can remain a fiscal or even a social conservative at heart while putting the better of the two candidates in office. That those conservative beliefs, as manifested by the Bush administration and as they will continue to be manifested and magnified in the McCain-Palin administration, have been warped into such a cynical, death-spreading, rights-violating, economy-completely-fucking-up wave of destruction that they've been tainted beyond recognition.
Then stand back. Let them scream and spit and holler. But like a good teacher, don't just shrug your shoulders as they run off and hide in the bathroom. Talk to them again after class, once they've calmed down. Don't get angry -- shouting may make you feel better, but it's not going to change any minds -- but instead talk, then listen, then talk some more, honestly and openly. And see if you can't get them one step closer to that final stage. To acceptance.
And, if at the end of the day they still won't listen to reason... make sure the little bastards spend the fourth of November locked in detention.
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We encountered an older couple this week that we had never met before who told us that they had never voted for a Democrat in their whole lives but enough was enough. They weren't voting for McCain.
They are coming around.
Alexis - great article. I was laughing out loud.
While your article made me laugh out loud - several times - it also made me want to run out of the room crying. I am constantly baffled by this "republican allergy" to the facts. But you are right - keep talking!
My 85 year old grandmother spent most of her life voting as a republican, but this year she is a big Obama fan! So much so, she decided (in spite of her age) that she would start a blog - 85andchang
Whether or not she will end up changing any minds is yet to be fully determined, but her republican friends keep checking back to see what she's thinking each day. I think and hope that at least some of them, as well as the other 850+ people who have visited her site, will keep some of her words in mind when they enter the voting booth in November. If you want to use my grandmother and her website as an example of never being too old to change - please visit 85andchang
Your grandmother's site is awesome! This gives me so much hope.
The problem is the truth is biased against McCain..If only more people believed the lies from his campaign tha nthe truth that us 'biased' journalist tell..he'd be way up in the polls.
Example the fact that his all-American, country first VP was a member of a radical alaskan secessionist party is one that will hurt his campaign and therefore biased against him. Here's an interview with the Chairman of the AKIP on Sarah Palin's involvement.
http://new
Obama and McCain are both disasters, with neither one worth voting for. To say one is a better candidate than the other is false. They both will run the country the wrong way.
Thank you for that in-depth analysis..
Here's the example. Anger/denial a little bit of bargaining. 44 days and just a little further to go
Obama/Biden 08
The change we need
and you are an expert, why?
And that would be the first stage: denial.
I succeeded in converting my mother from a die-hard Republican to a liberal Democrat in only 10 short years. This is not easy work. Just read the recent article in the Washington Post about the study that showed that people (but especially conservatives) have a tendency to hold more strongly to their already-held beliefs the more those beliefs are challenged by facts. Nobody likes to be wrong, and conservatives already have a tendency to keep facts at arms-length. Remember this illuminating study whenever you're frustrated that reason and logic don't seem to be doing their job with these people.
Comparing Palin to TR reminds me of the Kevin Klein character in "A Fish Called Wanda." You know, the one who proudly proclaims that he reads philosophy only to have the Jamie Lee Curtis character respond that he may read philosophy, but he doesn't understand it. The McCain/Palin campaign might read history, but they either don't understand it or ignore it. Either way, it doesn't look good.
Otto West: Don't call me stupid.
Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto West: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
Thanks for the memory refresh. The exact quotes make the comparison more poignant.
Thank you for making me laugh. I've spent most of this day with a clenched jaw.
I needed that desperately.
You have to add something to the dialogue..
"[B]efore you vote for Obama, the current Repubican Adminstration is asking for a $700 billion blank-check that only a Republican Secretary of Treasury can administer
The reason I don't have faith in the authors assessment is because a person has to have a soul to change their mind. And any person who can convince themselves that they follow the Ten Commandments by not killing the unborn and not have a problem murderiing those convicted (rightly or wrongly) of heinous crimes has no soul.
Oh, and don't ask your Republican friends who voted for Bush because Gore and Kerry leaned to far to the left, "Where on the left vs. right scale does the Bush's Communistic takeover of private debt reside?" They won't like it?
Why is it that humorists make such good political analysts?
See Alexis C. Jolly's Profile
"This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole
The primary reason I have switched affiliations is due to the intolerance I see now in Democrats of today.
You are free to continue bashing, of course.
BUT.....I agree with Bill C.
It's inappropriate to judge someone about their vote.
End of story.
Hill didn't judge AA people who went 95% to O. Of course, it was "racism." It was the good kind. It was the kind of racial pride that makes complete sense.
OK, she probably lost due to that. That's OK.
And this new Dem party? Which boldly makes fun of "wall-mart women?"
You have lost your way.
The ONLY reason I was an enthusiastic Democrat for 35 years was due to support of every walk of life.
I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in joining a group that thinks a Harvard degree means someone is more qualified than an Idaho State degree.
That's just plain ole snob appeal.
No thanks.
So you don't vote for Barack Obama, even though his agenda is 99% identical with Senator Clintons agenda, because some of Obama's supporters are snobs?
I respect your view but I cannot understand that you fought enthusiastically for 35 years for the agenda of the Democratic party (like universal health care, tax cuts for the middle class, a woman's right to choose, equal pay for equal work, against privatization of social security) and then give up fighting in an instant just because some Obama supporters act like jerks. Hillary did not give up fighting for the causes that she cared about and she will keep on fighting in the Senate for the middle class people but she will not be succesful with John McCain in the WH blocking all her reform proposals. Please consider that when you are voting. Thanks.
The idea that anyone would base their vote on a supporters comments on a blog is laughable in the extreme. Though I must admit it isn't funny. I don't vote based on what anyone says, why because if Hillary was the nominee that would mean I couldn't vote for her either because Hillary supporters said some awful things to Obama supporters during the primaries. I could go into a whole litany of how we "drank kool-aid", were in some kind of cult, we were voting for him just because he's black. ETC, ETC, ETC.
That type of thinking is dumb all the way around. Your vote, whomever you vote for should be based on the issues and who will do do the most good for the nation. I don't have to like you personally, sit down for a cup of coffee or a backyard bbq. I want you to get into office and do your job for the betterment of the country. PERIOD. Do not pass go, do collect $200.
Please, stop respecting her view. It makes no sense.
*sigh*
Dear McCain voter,
Wal-Mart only has 1 L.
You should try spell-chec
May you get everything you deserve by voting Republican this year!
Here's the thing: having a Harvard Law degree IS a better qualification than an Idaho State communications degree. It is not "elitist," it is a fact.
Here's a similar imaginary situation: You are an engineering firm deciding on who to interview based on resumes. One did undergrad at Carnegie Mellon and got a Master's in electrical engineering from MIT, while the other graduated from the State college with a journalism degree and minored in electrical engineering. They both have some relevant experience.
Who do you think is likely to be better qualified?
PumaAnn, you win the award for typing the most words without ever saying anything that even inadvertantly wanders into the neighborhood of reality. You've been doing it for months, and I think I speak for a lot of people when I say "please stop."
Intolerant? Yes. I'm definitely becoming intolerant. I'm becoming intolerant of ignorance, of war-mongering, of fiscal irresponsibility, of faux-Christians and their purported "values voting," of "drill, baby drill," of the sneering contempt shown by most of the "leaders" of the Republican party for anyone who disagrees with them (i.e. anyone with a shred of competency), of "beer buddy" presidents, of elite being a dirty word, of the media inventing the second side of stories that only require one side --- the truth, and of the Kindergarten cattiness of the so-called PUMA's.
Take your ball and go home. Please.
Ok PumaAnn we all get it. You wanted to vote for HRC but she lost.
Now you won't vote for O bama because you think Dems are snobs because someone made fun of "Wal-mart women" (by the way I do occasionally shop at Wal-mart) and you are voting for Mc Cain.
Great, more power to you PumaAnn. Vote for who you think "represents" you best.
And I'm not trying to be a snob but I have to point out the FACT that a Harvard Degree is accepted by everyone in the business world as being more impressive than an Degree from a state college. Sorry. Just the way it is.
The comparison of Palin to past great presidents does perfectly put into prospective what's going on. Palin is a terrifying person to have take over for McCain. Horrifying. What this all comes down to is are you comfortable having her interact with Putin.
I'm not even comfortable having her interact with the legislature in ALASKA! Of course, I can't stop that, since the fine people of that state elected her to the office...
Brilliant!!!
I'm sending this to every Republican I know.
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