Birth was...well...like nothing I could have ever imagined.
The same goes for living with a newborn. It has been a lot of ups and downs. No one tells you that along with the love and joy also comes feelings of extreme doubt and isolation.
Before going into labor, I chose not to write a birth plan because I knew that birth wouldn't be within my control.
However, I was hoping to have a natural water birth free of pain medication. They say that birth can be a healing experience so I pictured candles, soft music, lots of deep breathing and the overall experience being a spiritual transformation.
I downloaded a hypnobirthing audio that walks you through affirmations and breathing techniques to take you through the contractions. Oh, except they don't call them contractions, but riding a wave or something like that.
As my due date approached, I couldn't wait to meet the little guy! Everyone warned me that first time moms rarely have their babies on or before their due date. That was a bummer. The only way I can describe it is waiting for Christmas to come all year long only for someone to tell you "the presents are under the tree, but you can't unwrap them yet, in fact, Christmas may not even come until some time in January."
So I tried to stay in a positive space and I felt great. I went for long walks, read books, and swam almost daily.
The morning of my due date I woke up with mild contractions. The contractions faded away so I decided to see my acupuncturist to get this show on the road!
If I had known that I wouldn't get more than 2 hours of sleep per night for the next 8 weeks I might have thought differently.
But let me tell you...acupuncture is the real deal.
By 6 pm that evening I was having mild contractions again. They weren't painful so I enjoyed a nice dinner on the porch with my husband.
By 9 pm...holy sh-t!!! The contractions were ROCKIN'.
What am I supposed to be doing? Riding a wave? Breathing? Screw that all I can do is land on my hands and knees and try to stay upright until it's over.
I called the midwives and asked when I should come into the hospital. They told me to start timing my contractions and come if they're a few minutes apart for an hour.
Around 1:30 am they were definitely a few minutes apart for at least a minute each. We headed for the hospital only to be told I was only 1 cm dilated and it may be false labor.
I still don't understand exactly what false labor is but I was going to be very mad if I had it!
By noon the following day my contractions were still in full swing so I called the hospital again. They had me come back in for therapeutic rest, which is essentially giving you morphine and fluids in an IV so you can sleep and hope that moves your labor along. I had the most blessed 8 hours of rest in my life. I was exhausted, and thankful.
I should note that the reason my labor was taking so long is because my baby was turned in the wrong position with his head against my spine.
By 3 am that evening I was still in full labor, and they talked to me about options.
As much as I would love to tell you I still went for the natural water birth, I didn't have it in me. I just needed this to be over.
Considering how things had been going I figured I'd give birth to my baby some time the next day. But after a few hours I started feeling a strange urge to push. I was finally fully dilated and ready!
This was actually the fun part (did I just say that?).
With a renewed spirit, I pushed with the last reserves of energy I could muster.
After just 30 minutes my son was born and they threw him onto my chest where I got to cradle him in my arms for the first time.
I'm going to share with you in this post some very real and raw photos from my birth. Normally I'd be wary of sharing these as I'm sweaty and tired and have no makeup on, and my baby isn't cleaned up yet.
But birth isn't glamorous. It's real and raw and gritty and amazing.
I will say that even though my birth didn't turn out exactly how I imagined, I can't say enough about the hospital and the midwives. They were so kind, knowledgeable and compassionate.
A few weeks later, I was more tired than I had ever been in my life but my heart is full. It is a mixture of emotions...don't let anyone tell you differently or make you feel bad if having a baby is nothing like you imagined.
Someone told me that with every contraction there is expansion. This is not only true in birth but in life, too. And during my bad days I cling to that thought. This is a time of both contraction in my life and expansion.
Post traumatic stress, life events, and postpartum can lead us into opportunity or despair. We all need someone to hold that vision of opportunity for us when going through the hard times. Life is a mixture. There is so much expansion out there when you allow it! For a bit of inspiration, download my free handbook, exclusively for new moms.
Love,
Alexis
