I've been thinking a lot lately about the stories we make up in our heads all day, every day.
We ascribe meaning to events, behaviors, and the blank spaces in between so regularly that our reality is truly a creation of our imagination.
He's not texting so he must not like me. She didn't show up to my birthday party so she must not care. That guy that just cut me off in his car is obviously a total jerk.
But what if the meaning we give things is totally off base? What if, instead of letting our monkey minds dictate a stressful, frustrating, victim-based reality, we gave everyone--and every situation--the benefit of the doubt?
Maybe the guy is thinking of you, too, but too nervous to reach out. Or maybe he's just going through a rough patch.
Maybe the girl that didn't show up to your birthday party had a family crisis or a work emergency. Or maybe she's just exhausted and needs to take care of herself and stay home.
And maybe the man in the car in front of you is racing his pregnant wife to the hospital. Or he's late for an important meeting. Or he's too frazzled to pay attention because he has a million and one things on his mind right now and he didn't mean to cut you off, he didn't even see you.
Imagine what your life would look like if instead of infusing it with meaning colored with disappointment and aggravation, it were full of understanding and compassion?
How would your life look and feel different?
When I first truly became conscious of the meaning I assigned to the events in my life, I realized just how attached to my stories I had become. My habituated responses were less than pleasant and yet my attachment to them was strong. Why create and connect to a narrative that doesn't serve any purpose other than to upset me?
When I share my attempts to ascribe benefit-of-the-doubt meaning to the people and events in my life, my more cynical friends think I'm out of touch with reality. They tell me that not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
That maybe when the guy isn't texting, it's because he isn't interested in me. Or when the girl doesn't show up to my party it's because she has found something better to do. Or the guy in the car ahead of me is actually just a jerk.
And maybe some of that is true. But are those the exceptions rather than the rule? And what good does it do to assume the worst of people all of the time?
I have found that the magic isn't in just shifting your story to an empowering, positive-outcome one--though it can completely change your mood, your day, your entire life--but your relationships completely transform, too.
We're all just doing our best here, even if our best is sometimes sub-par. Even if our best can be disappointing to others. Even if we are kind of selfish sometimes.
And you know what I've found? That showing people around you that you honor their humanity and believe in their goodness actually brings out more goodness.
Time and again I've caught myself experiencing moments that could have turned very sour, very quickly. And when I'm conscious enough to catch myself, instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst, I've taken a deep breath, gotten out of my own bubble, and considered how my story could very well be wrong. And then I forged ahead with the best assumption that I could (or at least not a bad one...). And every time I've done this I've been rewarded with a better outcome than I could have expected.
You get to write your own life story. How will you spin it?
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