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A Newbie's Guide on Who to Cheer for at the 2014 World Cup

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Hey, American person watching the world cup in a pub wearing Engalnd gear! How fun is this fancy thing called the World Cup? Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, I'm into it too. But you know what's lame? You. You're cheering for England? What the hell is wrong with you? Christ, you're embarrassing us in front the rest of the world. Put down the cross of St. George for a moment, and listen up. Rooting for a team from another country over your own doesn't make you worldly, it just makes you annoying. The Queen isn't going to knight you for cheering for their soccer team, you aren't going to get a pat on the back from Stephen Fry, or a degree in Wizarding from Hogwarts.

Quit embarrassing yourself and us, and just follow these simple rules:

1. Cheer for your home country.
Do you live in America? Do you work in America? If America were destroyed by Islamofascists would you lose more than 50 percent of the people you know? Then you root for the country that paves your roads and provides you with the second highest standard of living in the world, asshat. If you miss out on the collective joy of another Landon Donovan-esque moment during the cup because you were too busy rooting for for your "Favourite" Arsena/Man-United/Chelsea player, you need a swift kick in the fish and chips, if you get my drift.

Once your home country is eliminated...

2. Cheer your heritage.
America rules! It rules so much that we allowed a bunch of foreigners to be a part of it. Once America is eliminated, if you still give two shits, you are allowed to root for whatever foreign country your descendants fled from to be a part of The Land of The Free and The Home of The Brave. So If your family is from Mexico, then root for Mexico. If you are Italian, you root for Italy. If you are generic "white" you take a stab at it by using your last name. "Liking" a country is not a good enough excuse. You can't be a fan of England because you like Monty Python or really "get" Ricky Gervais. Look, we ALL love Faulty Towers.

Once your heritage is eliminated...

3. Cheer against your enemy.
Historically, this would mean we are always against Germany, Japan, Iran, North Korea, any countries who were formerly Eastern Block, Ghana, and guess who? The bullies of the soccer world, ENGLAND. France has always been an ally. We have never been at war with France. In fact, France helped us beat ENGLAND. The British burned down the White House for God's sake! The White House! It sure isn't French petroleum ruining the gulf, and you're still rooting for their national team?! Does your dumb snobbery know no decency?

Once everyone else has been eliminated....

4. Cheer for Brazil
Brazil is fun, sexy, hosting this whole party, and may win the World Cup, so at this point, back a winner. It is a fact that everyone who backs Brazil during the World Cup gets laid if they win, so I see this as a win/win.

Go Team USA!
USA! USA! USA! USA!