First Lady Bubba

01/24/2007 06:04 pm 18:04:50 | Updated May 25, 2011

At long last, twenty-four months after the last group went home, we have a fresh batch of Tweedle Dems. All polished clean and shiny, they've announced from the steps of some stranger's lower-middle-class house that they are ready for the rigors of the presidency. They will show us how ready they are by shoving hot dogs into their mouths at the county fairs of New Hampshire, give rousing talks to crowds of tens at the VFW Halls of rural Iowa, and dial for dollars for hours on end this year for the grand prize of getting to do it all over again next year.
For me, there is only one deciding factor in these tag team presidential primaries. It's the spouse-factor. In 2004, regardless of the polls, despite the red and blue flashing states on CNN, John Kerry never had a chance because of his spousal drag. Think about who we want as first lady, the one we count on to whisper in his ear and hold down his testosterone-laden instincts. In 2004 it was a choice between foreign-born, sulky Teresa, who talks lovingly of her husband, her first one, the rich one, who died, or Laura Bush the librarian from Midland, TX. Vegas wouldn't even take a better line on it - it was a no-brainer.

For this next presidential odyssey, although it might be fun dissecting why someone, anyone, would marry blowhards who talk as much as Chris Dodd and Joe Biden, there is really only one main race here. Let's get right down to it, it's all about HillBa -- Hillary and Barak - and only one of them is going to be moving on. So, which one is it? No question, hands down, Hill and not Ba, and here's why. Michelle Obama is beautiful, smart, witty, warm and charismatic - but no matter how good she is, I am desperate to have Bill Clinton as my first lady. Hillary Clinton beats anyone, Barack, Al Gore, John McCain, easy with Bubba as the First Lady in waiting.

According to Leticia Baldridge, former chief of staff for Jackie Kennedy, the first role of the first lady is to act as a gracious hostess for official White House events. Who would be a more gracious hostess than Bubba? Forget the finger sandwiches and herbal tea, with Bill as first lady, the Daughters of the American Revolution will be gettin' some ribs with corn bread, and suds to wash it down. Napkins and bibs will be required attire for every meal.

But First Ladies do much more than host lunches and dinners. They are also in charge of decorating the White House. Nancy Reagan famously spent over $200,000 on a new set of china. With First Lady Bubba in charge, put the china back in the cabinet, we're going to Kmart and getting us some paper plates and cups! And he'll make sure that they're made from recycled paper to keep Al happy.

One of the most interesting and invigorating parts of being the first couple are the jaunts around the world to meet with other leaders. The pictures from these trips always have the lineup of the heads of state and then a separate picture with the first wives and, once in a while, a Dennis Thatcher thrown in there for fun. Now imagine that same line up of lovely women in their Chanel suits with Bill standing right, smack in the middle, Hawaiian shirt on, cigar in hand, tanned, relaxed. First Lady Bill is ready to take on Tokyo, but this time without the wonky talkfests, only sake and geisha girls for the big guy!

So, while the rest of you politicos are busy watching endless debates, wading through hundreds of polls to try to figure out who's winning, mark my words, the die has already been cast and Bubba is ready to roll the BBQ into the Rose Garden.


First Lady