My life is stained by becoming an orphan at thirty-one. My mother died from ovarian cancer in 1996 and my father passed away from lung cancer a few years later. My life was, and remains full, by so many measures: I have a fulfilling marriage, two healthy children, and a rewarding and challenging career as a journalist and author. But lying just beneath the surface - accessible like a pale blue vein beneath my skin - is the void I often feel whenever I am reminded of my parents' absence.
I once felt alone with these feelings until I sought the words, insight, and advice of others and included them in my new book, Always Too Soon: Voices of Support for Those Who Have Lost Both Parents. Those intimate thoughts on loss and renewal have given me the ability to move beyond pain - and allowed me to learn some invaluable lessons: Grief can be used as a catalyst for amazing growth and provide a new sense of purpose and direction. I have also learned that there is power in community. Emotional refuge can be found when we allow ourselves to seek support. We can also feel less alone by picking up a book or joining a group - and in my case, a group of other parents know how exactly how it feels to lose your own mom and dad.
One of the first conversations I sought was with political icon Geraldine Ferraro. During an intimate discussion in her office, she confided that her father's sudden death when she was 8 years old, gave rise to who she was truly meant to be:
"I really miss my father, but I don't think I would be the person I am today if he had lived. I don't think I would have been as strong or resourceful. I would have stayed in Newburgh, New York and married somebody from West Point. I would not have become a prosecutor. I would not have been a Congresswoman. I certainly never would have run for vice president of the United States. So, my father's dying, in a strange way, shows that good can come out of horrible things. My father's death made me stronger."
Actress and now author Mariel Hemingway was prompted to finally "grow-up" when her parents died. Despite her grief and painfully recognizing she was "nobody's baby anymore," she felt compelled to transform her life for the better. "Their passing can be an opportunity for growth, if you look honestly at yourself and try to figure out who you are, " Hemingway told me over lunch in New York City. And that's exactly what she did. Shortly after her father died, she was able to pursue a writing career. Writing had been out of the question as long as her dad was alive. After all, he was Ernest Hemingway's son. He should be the next writer in the family.
By the time she was forty-one, Rosanna Arquette's parents had both passed away. The actress who had shot to stardom in the film, Desperately Seeking Susan, felt so saddened and transformed by the experience that she decided, almost immediately after they were gone, to overhaul her career.
"Six days after my father died, I started working on a film that I would direct, Searching for Debra Winger. I don't think it was a conscious decision; it just sparked a feeling to make a change." The documentary went on to become a critical success.
All of these deeply personal conversations, among others, are now in Always Too Soon. You can, of course, learn from others in person. In fact, something wonderfully unexpected has happened since the book came out a few months ago. People I met at book signings and through emails became interested in creating informal support groups to discuss the challenges of raising children without the benefit and support of one's parents.
How do you keep the memory of your parents' alive for your kids? What are some of the best ways to keep family traditions going? Am I the only one envious of friends who can ask their parents to pick up their children at the bus stop?
This new group is called, "Parentless Parents" - and meetings are now forming all over the country. Want to join us?