This is the 13th year I'm not celebrating the holidays with my mom. The 8th year without my dad. And because both of my parents have passed away, and because I am now a mom myself, I take on responsibilities in December that other parents may not; I am my children's primary teller of family history; the go-to explainer of why we cook certain foods; the main person they ask why we follow specific traditions. My parents simply can't share the burden or the stories. Without my parents -- Jake and Lexi's grandparents -- it's up to me to make up for the shortfall.
That's why it's surprising that less than half of all mothers and fathers who have taken the Parentless Parents survey so far say they use the holidays to talk about their parents who have died. Why so few? The holidays are the perfect time to keep the memory of your parents alive for your children. After all, you have their full attention. They're home, looking to be entertained, and they're not distracted by homework, play dates, or after school activities.
Of the 45 percent of parentless parents who say they use the holidays to talk about their parents, many say they do so to help their children understand why they perform certain rituals or follow particular traditions. In the Parentless Parents survey, which is part of the research I am conducting for my forthcoming book, Parentless Parents: How the Deaths of Our Mothers and Fathers Impact the Way We Parent Our Own Children, respondents have written broadly about the kind of proactive conversations they have with their children. Some conversations can help kids know a little more about you when you were their age. One parent writes, "I tell stories of how we celebrated together as a family when I was a child." Other parents describe taking advantage of opportunities that only show up this time of year -- whether in the kitchen, "We talk about the types of food my mother used to make," or in the living room, "I talk to my children about [my parents] as we put up the Christmas tree."
Talking isn't the only way to keep the memory of your parents alive for your children and in next week's blog I will explore some creative ideas for accomplishing the same goal.
But you can't argue with the power of good conversation. It's cheap, easy, and completely portable.
So, I have a challenge for you. In the next few days, if you find yourself out of breath with all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and wrapping -- stop. Stop and take a deep, cleansing breath. Stop and consider how you can use the holidays to keep the memory of your parents alive for your children. And with all that extra time, talk. Talking with your children about the grandparents they never knew, or the grandparents they miss, is perhaps one of the greatest gifts you can give your children -- and it doesn't even have to go on sale.
How do you use the holidays to keep the memory of your parents alive? Let me know in the comment section below. You can also join the discussion by taking the Parentless Parents survey. I'll use your anonymous responses in my book.
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Allison Gilbert is currently writing her third non-fiction book, Parentless Parents: How the Deaths of Our Mothers and Fathers Impact the Way We Parent Our Own Children. If you are a parent who has lost both your parents, you can help with her research by taking the Parentless Parents online survey. You can also join the "Parentless Parents" community on Facebook.
Parentless Parents will be published by Hyperion and is a follow-up to her critically acclaimed book, Always Too Soon: Voices of Support for Those Who Have Lost Both Parents. Parentless Parents will explore how the way we parent is shaped by the loss of our own mothers and fathers; how marriages are impacted when one spouse is parentless and the other is not; and offer strategies for keeping the memory of our parents alive for our children.
In Always Too Soon, Ms. Gilbert (a producer at CNN in New York and mother of two children) interviewed celebrities and others about losing their parents. She spoke with, among others, Rosanne Cash, Geraldine Ferraro, Ice-T, Yogi Berra, Mariel Hemingway, and New York Times best-selling authors, Hope Edelman and Barbara Ehrenreich. Always Too Soon sparked the formation of the Parentless Parents organization, a national network of support groups for mothers and fathers who have lost their own parents. You can find out more about Ms. Gilbert by visiting her website at www.allisongilbert.com.