THE BLOG

Clean Up America in Three Easy Steps

08/05/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Any casual viewer of cable news or peruser of the internet knows there's a lot of negativity floating out there in the American population. The Bush administration is constantly faced with this CAN'T-do spirit in the form of obnoxious protests and pesky petitions.

The most recent example of this overzealous protesting happened on Friday when four people were arrested in Iowa for trying to make a citizen's arrest of former White House Deputy Karl Rove. The group included a retired Methodist minister and peace activist Chet Guinn, and three members of Des Moines Catholic Worker.

Luckily, there is a cure for the Negative Nancy Blues infecting the American Spirit. President Bush and the U-Team (Cheney's Unitary Executive version of the A-Team) have devised a three-step solution to counteract this recent spell of democratic spirit.

I can already hear you spineless Democrats pondering, "Hey, Allison, can it work?"

First of all, shut your Communist mouths. Second, yes. Yes, it can. With a little grit, determination, and merciless martial law, we can get back to a more happy, optimistic time!

1. Arrest Everyone
: Okay, that's just me being provocative. I don't think Bush and the U-Team want to arrest EVERYONE. After all, we need people to run our Starbucks stores and Walmarts. PLUS, my coal isn't going to mine itself, so at the very least we need free men and women to carry heavy objects.

However, there's no quicker cure to the Negativity Blues than locking up protesters. The administration has already enjoyed great success with keeping protesters caged like wild animals in roadside ditches, while the president saunters through their cities.

Eager to savor the success enjoyed by Republicans in this area of marginalization, the Democrats have also followed suit with plans to cage members of their own party at the DNC this August. What a bunch of wannabes! They're all for freedom and Godless, liberal rhetoric when it's the RNC's convention, but when it's their turn to host an open, honest discussion about the State of the Union, they can't WAIT to climb on board the incarceration train!

Locking up protesters will be the foundation of America's new, clean house. The point is this: In a cage, no one can hear you scream. Well...they can, I guess, but no serious journalist is going to walk 200 yards to write down what you're screaming. That's really far, and it can be really hot in Denver during August.

2. Do Whatever You Want. All The Time: Now, certain wiener Constitutional "experts" say the president and his U-Team are not above the law. In response, I offer the Play-doh visage of Mr. Karl Rove, who refused to obey an order to testify before a House Judiciary Committee hearing. All the Bush administration needs to do his ride-out the spirit of "Nuh-UH!" and "I can't recall" until January.

For the most part, the Democrats are spiritless drones, who don't possess the will and determination to hold any Bush administration official accountable for anything, which is GREAT! Sure, occasionally a squirrelly Democrat like Dennis Kucinich rushes around everyone's ankles, flapping an impeachment in the air, but no one really cares about that stuff.

Congress stares vacantly at men like Rove when he responds "Nuh-UH!" to requests for his testimony. The worst case scenario for the U-Team is that someone like Alberto Gonzales actually has to show up to testify. In case of an event like this, the "I can't recall" policy is the way to go. That way, no confession ever becomes part of public record and the vein on Henry Waxman's forehead continues to pulsate ominously.

The "Nuh-UH!" and "I can't recall" policies once and for all dispel the myth that the purpose of government is to serve the people. If that was true, then Congress would be more powerful than the President, and the Constitution would have used its magical powers to teleport Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzales to jail. Since neither of those things happened, I can only logically conclude that the president is our King and/or the son of God and the members of Congress exist to dance, juggle, and perform other tasks to amuse him.

The scale of power is so heavily tipped in favor of the Executive branch that cops actually arrest citizens FOR TRYING TO UPHOLD THE LAW! Sorry, Iowa protesters. Maybe next time you should heed that advice from your mother and if you can't say something nice, don't expect to see your children for dinner.

We Americans need to honor the tradition of "Executive Privilege," where Executive means "anyone with whom the president makes eye contact," and Privilege means, "Can never be held accountable for anything, ever." Therefore, anything that happens in the White House is none of our business, and stop blogging about it, thank you very much.

Sure, the government functions with public tax dollars, but the reason we give them money is because WE can't be trusted with our own destinies. Do YOU know how to make write-up an annual fiscal report? I don't even understand what "fiscal" means.

Americans need to reacquaint themselves with the "Give and Take" of a society. For example, I am willing to let the government spy on me if it means they'll handle all that yucky tax paperwork. Call it a trade-off. They can listen to my mother yell at me if they'll just figure out what percentage of my pay check I don't deserve to keep.

3. Declare War on Brown People and Vaginas: Look, there's a lot of problem areas in America, and I call those areas "black people" and "women." They're the people getting uppity about John McCain siding with banning Affirmative Action , and the U-team trying to designate birth control as "abortion".

Unfortunately, the problem isn't only in the streets. Brown people and vaginas have infiltrated the highest areas of government. Did you know the Speaker of the House is a vagina? AND there's a black on the Supreme Court. I had no idea Justice Thomas is black until I saw a photo of him. I always assumed he was white (and racist) based on his voting record.

But the problem remains pertinent! What do we do with these sleeper militants? Simple: imprison them. Hear me out: According to the Justice Department, we've already imprisoned over two million individuals. That only leaves 298 million citizens, and if we figure half of those people are on our side and/or too dumb to understand what's going on, then that means we only have to keep an eye on about 149 million of them. Most of the 149 million will be too scared to do anything, and in fact only 10 million (give or take) will be a serious threat. Well, 10 million we can handle! Hell, we killed 100 million Indians to get the land in the first place!

Meanwhile, ten percent of the African-American male population is in jail, and more young black men are in jail now than are in college. Between dictating what a woman can't do to her own body, locking up the black and brown population of the country, and any citizen that protests their policies, the U-Team is well on its way to cleaning up America!

Keep the faith, people! We'll clean up this place yet!