THE BLOG
11/26/2013 02:41 pm ET | Updated Jan 26, 2014

E!'s Script for A Very Kim and Kanye Thanksgiving

INT - KIM AND KANYE'S KITCHEN, AFTERNOON

KIM and KANYE are in their newly renovated kitchen. KIM stands over the stove, dressed in a sequined Louis Vuitton jumpsuit, gold platform Louboutin heels, and is staring at her iPhone screen. There are at least 3-4 professionally dressed caterers running around the kitchen, looking miffed that KIM and KANYE are in the way.

KIM

Babe, I just tweeted at Martha Stewart to find out how long a turkey takes to cook, and she, like, still hasn't replied. Who else knows how to cook things? Ugh, I just want to give up.

KANYE

Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way.

KIM

I know you're right, babe. But, if I can't like, cook this turkey, everything is going to be ruined. Like, my entire life. Maybe I should just go buy one that's already been cooked?

KANYE

Do anybody make real shit anymore?

KIM

Ugh, I'm trying, OK? I just have to find an amazing recipe.

KANYE

No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life. We're just wastin' time, where's the finish line?

KIM

I haven't even started yet! I just wanted everything to be perfect for Nori's first Thanksgiving with the entire family, and now everything is ruined.

KANYE

God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down.

KIM

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you getting annoyed? Why don't you help me instead of just standing there?

KANYE

Oh girl your silhouette make me wanna light a cigarette.

KIM

Aww, thanks, babe! I've been following this Atkins diet, and I think it's amazing. Oooh, do you think I could invite Dr. Atkins to our Thanksgiving?

KANYE

Doctors say I'm the illest, Cause I'm sufferin' from realness.

KIM

I know, right? I can't wait to meet him!

INT. - JENNER KITCHEN, AFTERNOON

KRIS and KHLOE are sitting in front of a laptop with obnoxiously large glasses of wine. KENDALL and KYLIE are on the other side of the kitchen on their phones not talking to KRIS or KHLOE or to each other.

KRIS

I just think that now I'm at this new place in my life, you know, I'm ready to just get out there again.

KHLOE

You just want a man to get in there!

KRIS

No, you know what I mean. I'm ready for love again! I think I want to try online dating.

(to KYLIE and KENDALL)

Girls, should I try online dating?

KENDALL and KYLIE do not respond and continue to silently take selfies.

KRIS

(Not recognizing KYLIE and KENDALL ignoring her and now typing)

What should my username be? Maybe "Hot Mama K"? Oh I like that for me. Okay now I need to list some of my interests.

KHLOE

Missionary. Doggie Style. Backwards Cowgirl...

KRIS

I was thinking something like, "I love my job, my business, working on my career, and developing my brand." Now I need a photo. What photo should I use girls? Any ideas??

KENDALL and KYLIE are still in the corner taking selfies and not acknowledging KRIS, now wearing only bras and underwear.

KRIS

I really like this one.

KHLOE

Mom, that's a picture of Kim in a bikini.

KRIS

Well I want everyone to know how much I care about my fame!

KHLOE

You mean family?

KRIS

Right, family.

(To KENDALL and KYLIE)

Come on, you girls think this picture is okay, right?

KENDALL and KYLIE have disappeared, the only remaining evidence of them is an iPhone and a fake eyelash on the counter.

KRIS

Well I love it! Here I go, entering the online dating world!
(pointedly presses enter on her keyboard, sits back and waits)

INT - KIM AND KANYE'S DINING ROOM

The family is sitting around the dinner table, KIM is in the kitchen finishing preparing the meal.

KHLOE

Kanye, where's Kim?

KIM

(off camera)

Are you guys ready for turkey?


KIM enters the dining room carrying a tray covered in deli slices of turkey.

SCOTT

(confused)

Where's the bird?

KIM

What do you mean, Scott? This is all turkey.

KHLOE

That is a lot of meat.

KANYE

Welcome to the good life.

KRIS

Kim, I'm just so proud of you and all of your hard work.

(to her date next to her)
Greg, don't you think she did a great job?

GREG

She really did.

KOURTNEY

Mom, who is this guy?

KHLOE

That's Rob's business partner.

ROB

No he's not. I work alone. I make socks.

KRIS

Rob, we know, and we're so proud of you honey. And girls, this is my date, Greg!

We met (whispers and mimes typing) online.

KOURTNEY

I can't believe you would bring a stranger to Thanksgiving, he might convince Scott to start drinking again!

SCOTT

This is what I'm talking about -- you don't trust me at all!

KIM

You guys, I spent all day on this dinner. And I want it to be special. Before we start eating, Kanye would like to make a toast to our new family. Go ahead, babe.

KANYE

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong

You been putting up with my shit just way too long

I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most

So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags

Let's have a toast for the assholes

Let's have a toast for the scumbags

Every one of them that I know.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

E! VOICE OVER

Coming up on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

KIM

(Screaming)

Babe, what the hell was that? You ruined EVERYTHING!

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are comedians and co-authors of the ebook Lean Over

Follow Alyssa Wolf on Twitter: www.twitter.com/alyssawolff

Follow Alison Leiby on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AlisonLeiby