I own a book called The Little Zen Companion and I was struck by the truth of one of the sayings by Tao Te Ching.
It was the last line that made me think. Our lives today are so busy, hectic, rushed and full of concerns that we forget to be with our families or friends when we are with them! Of course we are there physically, but mentally we are somewhere else.
How many times has someone who knows you well walked away mumbling that you are not listening or don't care? Or worse, walked away not saying anything - just thinking and believing that you don't care. Our non verbal communication is 80-93% of everything we communicate. Other people -- especially children -- know when we are not listening to them or taking in what they are saying.
One of the greatest gifts we can give the ones we love -- families or friends -- is to be present mentally when they are talking with us -- or even sitting with us in quiet moments -- anytime we are together.
When you come home from work, or from some activity, prepare yourself for "being there." As you climb out of the car, bus, plane or train, or as you are walking home make a conscious effort to say "that's the end of work, now it's time for my other life" or "it's time for my family or children."
Toddlers often demand that we give them our full attention -- usually to our benefit -- we are caught up in their ever present mood of delight or wonder or complete fascination for minutes with a leaf, or ant, or wind! As children grow older they interpret our "distance" or lack of this "full on attention" time as not caring. And they quietly drift away themselves. And we are so busy being busy that we don't notice we have missed our children's growing up.
It's not just crucial with families -- anything we do, we can do better if we focus our full attention on whatever it is. Work, tennis, reading, golf, relaxing, studying, driving. When we are on the phone to someone -- they ALWAYS know when we are doing or thinking of something else instead of being present with their conversation!
Our society seems to have bred a habit in us that encourages us to live in the past or in the future - so we miss all the wonderful moments we may experience every day. How many times have you realized a whole meeting has just gone by and you didn't pay attention to one word because you were thinking about the problem you had last week with your boss?
Or you arrived home in your car but have no recall of how you got there because you were thinking about the work troubles you think you might have tomorrow? Or two hours went by at work and you didn't do a thing because you were thinking about what happened between you and your partner the last night?
Can you see the benefit of being "present" mentally and physically with everything you do? We need to live life while it's happening rather than after it did or before it does! Its called being mindful!
This is especially if we love someone -- think of the first few weeks of any new romance -- we give our new loved one our undivided, absolute, complete attention -- we notice their every move, their smell, all their little mannerisms; we study them intently! This is major non-verbal caring and the other person loves it! And we do too. We bring out the best in each other. Then time passes and other things are given more attention; more priority -- usually unconsciously -- we are not aware of it but our loved ones are. And they gradually drift away.
Stop the drift! Be conscious from today onwards of where your mind is when your body is with your partner; children; work or relaxing. And make sure they are both together!
Zooties!
Amanda Gore
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