Before we get into the meat of this thing, let me get something that needs to be said out of the way: I am cool.
Not a cool mom. Not cool for a grown-up. Definitely not cool for an old lady. Just straight up cool, no context or qualifiers needed.
My 13-year-old son likes to doubt me and takes many opportunities to remind me that not only am I not cool, I'm also kind of embarrassing.
Here are 12 things cool moms do to embarrass their teen sons:
1. Public displays of affection. Especially between you and their other parent. Like we aren't supposed to like each other. Let's not forget, we liked each other plenty before you made an appearance. Any apathy present now is basically your fault.
2. Dancing. I've told him time and time again, 'Running Man' is a thing. Also, we invented poppin' and lockin'. I know what I'm doing here.
3. Yelling across a gymnasium filled with his peers to get his attention. Wellllll, if you would check your phone, you would know that it's TIME TO GO!
4. Showing up places unexpectedly. It's not that they care that you're there so much as that you didn't tell them you were gonna be. Teens don't like being caught off-guard or feeling spied upon. But, no one is the boss of me and I do what I want. If I have to have someone banging down the door every single time I step into the bathroom, then you get to suffer through me using my autonomy as a full-grown adult to show up at the park to make sure you're not mackin' it to some chick on the swings. And I know people don't say "mackin' it" anymore, but they should, because it's an awesome way to describe seriously weak pre-teen game.
5. Allowing sibling antics and interaction to occur. Never mind that his sibling is the cute one all the girls like to talk to. I'm guessing at some point he will figure out how to use that in his favor.
6. Bringing up uncomfortable topics. Basically sexy talk. And general discussions about girlfriends. Also, apparently my subtly wagging eyebrows are not as much subtle as they are obvious and embarrassing. I guess next time we pass an adorable young lady in the mall, I will wink.
7. Flashy dressing. And by flashy, I mean glaringly sloppy or glaringly awesome. My jeans with "Poison" airbrushed on the backside have been unequivocally banned.
8. Bumpin' your jams. In the carpool line, I threaten it always, but I do it never. But open road means boomin' systems for me. Everyone knows LL Cool J is hard as hell and must be played at full volume.
9. Ask them to allow you to photograph them. I feel like tween/teen girls are more into this (lemme tell you how many pics of my pretend daughter I have on my phone right now). Don't even think about asking my tween dude to selfie, though. He's not trying to hear that noise.
10. Clap and scream loudly as you run with him up the soccer field.
11. Use slang. Slang from the past is bad, but at least it's expected. Like no one really gets bent when I say things like "da bomb" and "what's crackin'?" But, on Easter Sunday when I said my meal prep was "on fleek," he wanted to burst into flames on the spot. So dramatic, that kid.
12. Stop doing all of these things. It will result in the largest, most frightening side-eye of all, because you're supposed to do these things. They are part of your mom duty and he expects them. Stop and he will not only become extremely suspicious, but also quite sad. He secretly loves your mildly embarrassing behavior, but from a place of love. So keep it coming. And remind him repeatedly that YOU ARE COOL. (Note: If you want to say that with a neck roll and a backwards running man exit, your point wil totally be proven. Ask me how I know this.)