Fantasy Parenting Wish List

I like to fantasize about things that could make my life easier as a parent.

You might think I'm going to say how great it would be to have mute, pause and sleep buttons installed on my children.

Nope. My kids are perfect. It is the rest of the world that needs to change.

For those of you cringing, thinking that this is going to be another rant to the tune of "I'm a parent so I'm entitled to special treatment by other people!" Please understand that it isn't what I'm saying. What I'm actually saying is "I'm a parent so I'm entitled to special treatment by the entire universe!"

Or, at the very least, a little fantasy every now and then doesn't hurt anyone.

Here is my fantasy parenting wish list...

#1 Goodbye Daylight Saving Time

Anything that makes it more difficult to get my kids to sleep is not my friend.

There is a mistrust of bedtime:

Yes, I should just buy blackout curtains. I know. Each year I tell this to myself and each year I find myself flinging blankets over the windows.

#2 Autopilot Setting in My Car

Every once in a while, my kids will fall asleep in the car. Like both of them, at the same time!

To get them to stay asleep I have to keep driving around. And this is why I want an autopilot mode in my car. Just a button on the dashboard.

Once they fall asleep, I'll hit autopilot and then I can sleep too!

Or maybe what I actually want is a driving robot, like this:

Although I guess having someone drive for you is just called hiring a chauffeur. I can't afford to hire a chauffeur right now so I think my only option is to build the robot myself.

(Once I build this robot I will start selling them. Everyone will buy my driving robot. It will be an incredible success. Finally I'll be able to afford to hire a chauffeur! Then I'll have to choose between using the robot that I invented and hiring an actual human chauffeur. That will be a very hard decision to make. What will I do? Oh the stress.)

No. Autopilot is the way to go here.

#3 Standard Measurements & Sizes of Kids' Clothes

I want the baby clothing industry to just pick some standard sizes and measurements. I really don't think baby clothes have to be this complicated. Especially when the baby is only going to wear them twice.

No more of this 0-12 months versus 3-6 months versus 3-9 months bullshit. Especially when any one of those could be larger than the others, depending on the brand.

Related: I also dislike baby socks.

#4 Toys Come Alive At Night

Let's make toys come to life at night. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Why would it be awesome and not just creepy?

They'd put themselves away each night. Oh yes.

I'm totally willing to deal with the creepy factor in exchange for toys that put themselves away.

#5 No Candy Machines in Stupid Places

I'm not one of those anti-candy parents. I love candy. Candy is yummy. Candy is little brightly colored morsels of happiness in my mouth.

But. Candy machines cause me pain. They are usually in places where they are maximally inconvenient, like the library or hardware store. The candy inside them sucks. I rarely have coins. And thousands of hopeful kids fondle the crank leaving it covered with germs.

Just once I'd like to be able to run an errand without having to threaten to leave without Crappy Boy because he is too busy making out with the gumball machine.

What is on your fantasy parenting wish list?

Originally published on Parenting. Illustrated with Crappy Pictures™.