Commercial Sex Equals Relational Sex?

In a cynical review of a sensationalistic book, The New York Times featured--front page--the thesis that there is nary a difference between men who must wine and dine women before they fork over sex, and johns who pay for prostitutes. In a discussion that would (or at least should) embarrass a bunch of fraternity boys, the New York Times argues, "Money is the elephant in every bedroom." Toni Bentley's review ("Meet, Pay, Love") of Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys, a collection of essays written by sex workers, finds nothing problematic about equating sex between romantic partners and sex between clients and prostitutes, asking "Why is sex supposed to be free? It never is." Ms. Bentley complains that "it is still taboo to regard sex and money as inextricably interwoven" and quotes approvingly British artist and author Sebastian Horsley, who asserts, "The difference between sex and money and sex for free...is that sex for money always costs a lot less." (The book itself is concerned only with straight-up money-for-sex transactions and has little to say about role of money in personal, intimate relationships.)

To highlight its point, the paper of record, once the highly regarded grey lady, provided the following case in point: A woman sitting on a stage, a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another, her legs apart. A man is going down on her. She is tapping on his shoulders every minute or so, to collect another twenty dollars for the privilege of continuing. She is grinning all the way to the bank, enjoying herself. There are many other anecdotes that have the same degrading flavor.

The review disregards several obvious compelling facts, even if we ignore the sexist assumption that these days men must wine and dine their partners, only after which will women consent to have sex--which presumably they have no inherent interest in.

First, commercial sex is often not voluntary but coerced. Hundreds of thousands of women each year are lured out of their villages, drugged and sold, and raped and beaten until they agree to become commercial sex workers.

Second, sex workers are greatly exploited; most of their incomes goes to the pimps and bosses, not to the sex workers themselves.

Thirdly, they are prone to sexually transmitted infections, and, fourth, are often involved with drugs and crimes beyond prostitution.

On the other side of this false equivalency, relational sex often is part of a much more encompassing, meaningful relationship. True, some youngsters and a few older types "hook up" for a short, even one-time, encounter. However, by and large in lasting relationships, sex is part of initiating, building, and sustaining bonds of affections, which commercial sex lacks. These bonds are a vital part of what makes a good life.

One need not be an old fashioned moralist to be surprised by the sophomoric nature of the book review The New York Times chose to feature.

Amitai Etzioni is Professor of Sociology at The George Washington University and author of The Spirit of Community and The New Golden Rule. He can be contacted at [e-mail]://www.gwu.edu/~ccps/index.html

Comments

[David Henry Sterry - Huffpost Blogger]

Why ARE you saying such nasty things about whores?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amitai-etzioni/commercial-sex-equals-rel_b_277849.html?show_comment_id=30797093#comment_30797093

[Daisy White]

"This collection is a wonderful reminder that good writing is not about knowing words, grammar or Faulkner, but having that rare ability to tell the truth, an ability that education and sophistication often serve to conceal. While we are all, I suppose, in the business of surviving, some really are surviving more notably than others. The collective cry for identity found in this unsentimental compilation will resonate deeply — even, I suspect, with those among us who pretend not to pay for sex."

The above was the closing paragraph of the article of the anthology that David Henry Sterry and R.J. Martin so diligently put together. As one of the contributors to the book I am sad to see that this closing paragraph was not the one highlighted, but rather the more obvious stereotypes that the book seeks to overcome.

What the anthology does so well is humanize a group of humans that are often not human to other humans.
Yes, sex workers are people like you, like me, like your family, and... sometimes they peel potatoes, sometimes the wear high heels, sometimes they trip, sometimes they look hot, sometimes they have a good cry and sometimes they take money for sex. The book shares this from the heart. That is its impact.

[wcastillo]

It is surprising that such an editorial review, given by someone so clearly educated—and a Professor of Sociology—no less, would miss such a profoundly blaring truth and reality about human nature and sexuality as being interwoven and complex, regardless of whether or not a relationship is a purely casual encounter by “youngsters” or others looking for a quick “hook-up”.

In fact, the first bio-medical laboratory that studies the very traditions and psychoanalytic aspects of human sexuality, Masters' and Johnson's, may have never come to fruition if all people made these same one-dimensional amateurish assumptions. None of the journals of sex research, discussions or well known books, such as Paul Robinson's The Modernization of Sex (1976), would even exist. Ever since the commencement of our evolution, as cavemen and cavewomen, sex in trade for power, food, protection or materials has been innate aspect of human nature and specialized research studies establish this.

The references to the sexual brutalities that exist in second and third world countries of the “hundreds of thousands of women each year...lured out of their villages” has little to do with the multifaceted and intricate behaviors or psychology of our own mainstream society. The references to sex workers being exploited and the sexually transmitted diseases are merely the symptoms and side effects that go with the territory of the industry. Clearly, what was entirely missed in this review was the fundamental point about what this book is really about.

[damadigna]

Unfortunately, it is, exactly that, the inability to build and sustain bonds of affection, which many a true cynic would vehemently deny, that creates such a high demand for commercial sex. Yet, it does seem all so much simpler to utilize sex industry workers, regardless of whether we enter the profession by choice or not, as the ideal scapegoat for all the immoralities that plague our society and corrode our fine institution of marriage.
The most degrading flavor to my personal palate, is the inability of well-intentioned scholars, religious devotees, and sanctimonious by-standers, to see the whole picture as intended by the book in its totality. What the whole picture intends to portray is the humanity, the harsh and brutal reality which is sometimes humorous, sometimes tragic, of those of us who have either been or are, employed in the sex industry. The sex industry continues to be taboo, its workers assumed to be uneducated, or mentally challenged rejects, drug addicted, and infected sub-human entities. Yet it is these very same deviants that provide the sense of love and belonging, factual or fancied, to many an upright, productive and moralist member of society.

[damadigna]

Indeed, one need not be an “old fashioned moralist” to feel entitled to pass judgment upon another ones’ code of ethics re:sexuality. What someone must be, though, is perhaps a puritanical, scholarly endowed yet narrow minded individual. Someone with a poignant air of condescending arrogance derived by deeply ingrained core personal beliefs over what is right and what is wrong. Mind you, not just when it comes to their own sexual behavior, in fact not even primarily their own, but rather everyone else’s. Ironically, it is these very same, highly ethical, well educated men, committed to so called “relational sex” and involved in “meaningful relationships”, i.e. marriage, that frequented the brothels I've worked in. In the meantime, their socio-inte­llectual-e­conomical or otherwise challenged comrades, cruise many an avenue in Anytown, USA. Furthermore, the truth of the matter is that sex never is free, compensation whether it be a wedding ring and commitment or $50. bucks a pop, is still an interchange of –well, “services”. And, yes, indeed, “relational sex” often carries an incredibly expensive price tag. Just ask any retired old fashioned moralist husband, or even better, wife. I’m sure many a committed fellow, sitting this very minute in a brothel or cruising the avenue, would also have something to say about this whole ugly business of sex for money. Whether it is a slam bam transaction or a prolonged life-time agony payment plan, believe you me, payment will be due.

[bluecollarblogger]

I believe that the whole key to this discussion, is the word "relationship" and "partnership". Sex for money, thats a business relationship, just like my auto mechanic, he ensures my car runs and I pay big bucks to make sure it runs well, thats a partnership of which both of us contribute. We both know our roles in this relationship and our responsabilities. this mutual respect for each other in this relationship makes everything work, the contract is clear up front, expectations are known, results are expected. Both have needs. It is not the act, it is the relationship, the partnership. I am not saying that we should all start treating each other like business clients, but I will say this, we need to respect one another like we were in a business relationship together. Would you put your life savings, the car that carries your children, in anyone's hands but someone you trust? Then why would you put your heart, your health, your future in any less. The relationship is missing so many times, the partnership is missing so many times in our socialization one with another.

[PatA]

We don't tell politicians that they can't drink, yet they can tell us that we can't smoke a joint. We don't tell politicians whether or not they can have sex, yet they can tell us that we can't have it unless they approve. Something is very, very wrong with this picture.

[Poetic]

Anyone who denies that sex and money are intricately related doesn't know any of the thousands (millions?) of women who stay with bad husbands because they need financial security. Nor does he know the reality of power (or lack thereof) in the "at home mom's" life.

[ataha]

All of the objections raised about pimps and crime are all basically 1 point. Making prostitution illegal is what makes the sex profession dangerous. If it was legal, and women who worked in the profession were assured safety, they wouldn't have to resort to pimps, street-walking, dangerous neighbourhood and drugs (which should also be legal). The government's job should NOT be to legislate morality, but to ensure that the citizens are safe. The laws should be changed so that prostitution is legal, for the safety of all involved (and the additional tax revenue maybe?).

[Niasia]

Well said.

[Hdaryl01]

Agreed. Legal and regulated allow for minimum age limit enforcement, testing for drugs and diseases, and facilitate safety for all participants.

[YeWight]

Replace "pimps" and "prostitution" with "drugs". The point remains the same.

[audadvnc]

Thanks to Sybil, Annie, Candye, Lily, all the sex workers who have commented on this page. It's good to get word back from people who know what they're talking about.

As for relation sex - when I was dating from web sites recently, I ALWAYS paid for the first meal, plus wine or whatever. It is not an expectation of sex, it is merely good manners for the gentleman to pay the first date. It's a signal that a man is of sufficient means, and is serious enough to carry on his end of a relationship. I now have a wonderful partner, and I still pay to take her out on some dates, but usually she & I trade off on the tab.

[Dimitra Ekmektsis]

Oh, hi, I was a sexworker. I wrote a book and now work with the United Nations Geneva on issues of women and children. I've met very few working women who had pimps, and even less who were "coerced" into it. You need to read my book, Secret Confessions Of A High-Priced Cll Girl (http://bit.ly/6GpSO), and review it hear. I'd love to hear your take on it.

[seattle music]

Let's ask these women what they think of "sex work" now, OK?

Amina Agisheff, Wendy Lee Coffield, Gisele Ann Lovvorn, Debra Lynn Bonner...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Ridgway

Or how about these women?

Sereena Abotsway, Mona Lee Wilson, Andrea Joesbury...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Pickton

[Hdaryl01]

Yep. It's a shame. And, a very forseeable outcome based on illegality, prohibition, and the underground nature of the profession in the US. We owed these women, and many others like them who continue in the trade today much better.

Look in the mirror. Prohibitionists are to blame for the lack of safety, the underage, the drugs, the disease, the pimps, the kidnapping, the rapes. Because, the profession is illegal, and entirely underground, and very unsafe for all participants.

You exhibit circular logic-you cite horrendous examples of what happens when it is outlawed and underground, than leverage these examples to justify further enforncement and restrictions-which actually cause the problems in the first place.

Legalize it. Regulate it. Tax it. Unionize it-as in the Netherlands. Offer a legal alternative, and watch the underage, drugs, disease, trafficking, etc. drop. Otherwise, understand that you're position continues to put all parties at risk. And is anything but humane, and civilized.

[lilycat]

Hello sweeties

So, how many of you all that are commenting on this article- actually read the book or know any sex workers.

Cause let face facts ... assumptions and statics don't mean jack... really people and real lives are the only thing that means anything. Till you hear the stories of people that have done sex work and the people, who use their services you really don't know anything...

I'm in the book and I feel so blessed to be able hear the stories of the wonderful people in book (many of which I had heard before the book). Also, I have had a few people come out to me about being sex workers since the book.

Have a beautiful day all

[avicenna]

I actually find Prof Etzioni's offense of the NYT's sex worker's piece rather endearing - but surprising. Marriage, for a greater part of societal history, has been a business contract. It has served to bind families, confirm social status, and has provided a functional structure where societal gender roles of wife in home raising the little ones and the husband "bringing home the bacon" ensured that we will continue the human race. Like marriage, sex can also be a contract without any obligation to continue the relationship beyond the exchange of the service in demand and payment. This may take away the illusion of soft colours of romance - but scientists have already done that when the denote such feelings to the release of bonding hormones - like oxytocin - which serves the purpose of attracting to people for the act of mating. Beyond that - we hit the seven year itch and get plagued with that wandering eye. I will state that I don't speak with any experience on long-term marriage - just an observer of human nature.

[lrubemp]

Well said. Etzoni touchingly clings to notions of "love" and "intimacy" as governing motives of sexual relations. These certainly play a part, but to think they trump class, status, and material well-being in bourgeois society is idealistic to a fault. The landscape is littered with the corpses of truly "loving" relationships that crashed on the shoals of "reality", while heavily populated with sham marriages based on cold calculus. It is highly amusing that as women become more independent and free to make decisions based on their real feelings, long-term relationships and marriage decline, even if, responding to the pressure of institutions, they may desire them.

[avicenna]

We unlikely would get along given the penchant for cold reality - just as well, since reality is something most like to shove under the rug whenever possible.

[HegemonyCricket]

After reading these comments, I have a tangential question that I've asked before, but never seems to get settled:

Why is prostitution illegal but pornography legal?

Both involve people being paid to have sex. Both involve the same varied, valid and contradictory examples of exploitati­on/empower­ment or coercion/consensual choice.

Art and expression come up on one side. That pornography is a constitutionally protected form of free speech as long as it meets the fairly ambiguous/­subjective standard the Supreme Court laid down not too many decades ago. However, that seems a bit of a stretch...I mean, if one setup a video camera and offered people the opportunity to star in their own porn movie with the star or starlet of their choice if they but cover the "production costs", would that actually be legal?

Likewise, how are ads that purport to pay young men and women for porn not simply solicitations for prostitution?

I'm not making a value judgment either way, I just honestly don't get it.

[AppleJuiceJunkie316]

It has to do with states rights and what's lewd and what's not to particular people/com­munities/s­tates, etc; Its illegal at the federal level, but then again, could you imagine porn brought to us by Uncle Sam. I enjoy porn.

[Duffed]

it's based on a little legal technicality. Prostitutes are paid for the act of sex; Porn Stars are paid to have sex while being filmed. The porn stars aren't technically being paid for the act itself, but rather for allowing themselves to be filmed during.

[candyekane]

As usual, the same old stereotypes are used here by Amitai Etzioni against sex workers. Had he read any of the book, Hos, Hookers, Call Girls and Rent Boys - compiled by David Sterry, he would recognize that most of our stories in the book negate the same old tired stereotypes thrust on us by mostly puritan American standards. Our stories in the anthology, tell a different story - stories of empowerment and of survival; stories of courage and triumph. While it may be true that some sex workers are victimized and under age, the majority of sex workers do take excellent care of their equipment, (their genitals) do not transmit sexual disease and are not drug addicted deviants. It is certainly a reasonable comparison between paid sex and sex in exchange for dinner or to keep the peace in an unhappy marriage. Sex is bartered daily by sex workers and their clients and bored married couples with each other. Why is one more sacred than another? There are plenty of sex workers who believe they provide a healing service to their clients and that the orgasm itself, is sacred.
Sex sells and will continue to sell. Thankfully many of us who have been involved in the sex business can come out of the closet and talk about our varied and diverse experiences in a safe setting and be taken seriously by most people because of David Sterrys book. The New York Times should be commended for taking us seriously.

[seattle music]

Keep lying to yourself, hon.

Obviously, it's what you need to do to get through the day.

But the entire AIDS epidemic that is KILLING Africa can be blamed on prostitution. Migrant workers go to the mines or road crews or factories and use/abuse prostitutes. Then they go home and infect their wives and children.

Prostitution is a scourge on human kind.

[YeWight]

Heard of condoms? A cultural achievement. Unfortunately, not in certain communities.

[Duffed]

Wow, that is one of the most striking falsehoods I have ever heard. The AIDS epidemic in africa has very little to do with prositution and much more to do with how Africans believe it can be prevented (education). By your premise, then in every country where prostitution exists (all of them fyi) and married men engage in it (again that includes every country in the world) this problem would be more widespread. AIDS in africa does have a lot of causes, prostitution is not one of them. In fact in a country where it is legal & regulated (Switzerland), the statistics show lower levels of AIDs than the norm, also lower levels of the negative effects of human trafficking generally associated with prostitution. If you are morally against prostitution that is cool, you don't have to use them, but don't think you can regulate human behavior.

[avicenna]

Although I come from the biomedical side of the research community - we've taken on more interdisciplinary research initiatives recently which confirms much of what you say is true. Many of the sex workers in Vancouver that we have held conversation with have chosen their field not through being controlled by others - but because they have found that sex work is a better source of income. As a woman who has her roots firmly in place of equal opportunity of education, pay, and access to senior positions of employment - I confess it was a bit of a bitter pill to swallow that women would actually choose what I considered to be demeaning work. However, I dislike the continual "victim" label that women have pasted on their foreheads when they behave in a manner that society at large finds to be unseemly - but undoubtedly serve a purpose given that sex work is the world's oldest profession. It may go back to our primate heritage - even female monkeys exchange sex for a good slab of meet from her mate. The survival instinct is a strong one - and it hinges on sex and security.

[brooklyncitizen]

Though there may be many of you that can claim to be professionals and are treated as such, this field is ripe with abuse and exploitation. It's worth keeping in mind.

[Duffed]

it is ripe with abuse because it is an un-regulated industry in the US, the only proper comparison you can have is between an un-regulated market & a regulated one. If you could please name me one black market that occurs without abuse & exploitation... now that i think about it EVERY market is ripe with abuse & exploitation (i.e. our healthcare, insurance & financial markets come to mind) and the only way to curb this is through proper regulation; not driving it underground and penalizing ppl. Do you think the War on Drugs has been successful too?